Witchful Thinking Part 14

aHave you lost your mind!a I screamed, trying to yank myself out of Mercedesa vise-like grip.

But Sinjinas eyes never strayed from his master. In their narrowed depths, I could see hatred.

I glanced at Varick and found him standing in the middle of the room, his arms crossed against his chest, austere in his apparent indifference. aYou have acted outside your cla.s.s.a Varick paused for two seconds. aIt is none of your business whether or not I propose to our Queen.a With another growl, Sinjin lunged at Varick again, and then I completely lost sight of them both. They were moving so quickly, their vampire speed prevented me from tracking them with my naked eye. But while I couldnat see anything more than a few wisps of color here and there, I could hear them. The air was thick with the sounds of gnas.h.i.+ng teeth and blows against flesh.

aSinjin!a I screamed out again before turning to face everyone in the room. aSomeone do something!a a aTis between master ana servant,a Odran said while firmly shaking his head.

aThat is bulls.h.i.+t,a I railed back and glanced at Klaasje, noticing she was worrying her bottom lip and gripping her arms against her chest.

aHelp him!a I screamed, hoping she understood that I meant Sinjin.

aI canat,a she answered, shaking her head. She refused to look at me. aVarick is my elder.a I started forward but Randas voice in my head stopped me.

Jolie, no! They will kill you!

And as if his words werenat enough to keep me out of the fight, I suddenly found I couldnat move my feet. It was like my shoes were stuck to the floor with super-glue. Rand had magicked me in place.

Before I could rebuff Randas magic, a sound like ripping fabric caught my attention and I blinked to find Sinjin suddenly on the ground before me. He was lying prostrate, blood covering every inch of him. I started to move toward him but my feet wouldnat oblige me. I threw an angry expression to Rand and he nodded. Instantly I dropped to my knees beside Sinjin, afraid that Varick had killed him.

Varick took a few steps closer to us and with a thought, I erected a wall of protective energy that encapsulated us. It was a silly attempt, since my powers didnat work against vampires, but really it had been more of an instinctual response than a logical thought.

aYou stay away from him,a I screamed at Varick. As if he hadnat heard me, Varick took another step closer and I stood up, inserting myself between him and Sinjin.

aI order you to leave him alone,a I yelled. aAs your Queen, I order you to back away a now.a aHe does not know his place,a Varick said and glared at me, but he took a few steps away from us all the same.

Glancing at Sinjinas b.l.o.o.d.y heap of a body, I was suddenly frightened for hima"frightened for what would happen to him at Varickas hands if he survived the damage that had already been inflicted on him. I glanced at Varick again and swallowed hard as I realized the truth in Varickas eyes. Sinjin would suffer for his disobedience. But the degree to which head suffer was what was worrying me.

aI am hereby nullifying Sinjinas ties to you,a I said even though I wasnat sure if I had the power to make such a demand.

aNo, Jolie!a I heard Randas voice and there was a round of gasps in the room followed by total silence, but I didnat care. It was my responsibility to protect Sinjin.

aYou are unable to make that command,a Varick said in an even tone.

aI am the Queen of the Underworld,a I shot back.

aJolie, think about this,a Rand said. He was instantly by my side but I didnat spare him a glance.

aMy command is law,a I said.

Varick shook his head and glanced at Mercedes as if to double-check who was right and who was wrong.

Mercedes merely nodded. aIf it is the Queenas will, so it must be,a she said in a small voice, the tone of which relayed the fact that she didnat agree with what Iad just done.

aI order Varick to release Sinjin of any and all ties between them,a I continued, glancing at everyone in the room. aFrom this point onward, Sinjin is his own master vampire. He will answer to no one but me.a aYou have made a terrible mistake,a Varick spat out at me. He was shaking with outrage. aAnd you will suffer for it.a Before I could say anything more, he simply vanished.

JOURNAL ENTRY.

The last few days have sort of blurred together in my mind, becoming like one enormous day and night with no ending and no beginninga"mainly because so much has happened. And my mind is such a complete muddle, I canat focus on one subject for more than a few minutes before another one comes flying in, demanding to be heard. I wonder if this is what it feels like to lose your mind.

So, Diary, youare probably most interested in what happened to Sinjin after he was attacked by Varick. Well, thank G.o.d he ended up surviving the attack. He only required Klaasjeas blood (apparently vampires can drink one anotheras blood and the blood of a vampire is endowed with healing traitsa"something I was unaware of). Anyway, Klaasje basically nursed him back to health and in so doing, she and I had some time to a get to know each other better.

I have to admit that I feel guilty over the way Iave been treating Klaasjea"Iave been short with her and none too friendly. And really, she has never been anything but kind and respectful to me. Well, the ugly truth of the whole matter is that I was jealous of Klaasje because of her relations.h.i.+p with Sinjin. And as much as it pains me to write this now, I feel that I must. I have feelings for Sinjin and I always have. Now I can admit that Iam ashamed of myself because the truth of the stupid situation is that I have no right to be jealous of Klaasje because I donat want to be with Sinjin in a romantic waya"that is, I donat think Sinjin and I have any hope of a future together.

But moving on a after the whole ordeal with Varick, I ordered everyone to leave the room so Klaasje could tend to Sinjin. At the time, Sinjin was incoherent, not even able to sink his fangs into Klaasjeas skin, so shead had to open her own wrist while I held Sinjinas head to it, allowing the blood to drip into his mouth. Little by little, his strength appeared to return; within thirty minutes or so he was able to hold Klaasjeas wrist himself.

While Sinjin was out of it, probably dreaming of large-busted women with prominent veins, Klaasje and I had the opportunity for a little girl talka"a little one-on-one time. And given the fact that I was acting like a jealous a.s.s, of course I pried into the nature of their afriends.h.i.+p.a And Klaasje had some pretty curious things to say on that subject.

She admitted that Sinjin would forever hold a place in her heart because she had loved him once, back when they knew each other in Texas, but she firmly insisted that she would never drop her defenses enough to love him again. She said she recognized who and what Sinjin was and she realized that Sinjin was incapable of loving another persona"that he just wasnat awired that way,a as she said. And of course I could relate to her story myselfa"she had touched on the exact reason why I believe in my heart of hearts that Sinjin isnat in love with me. Because heas incapable of it.

Strangely enough, Klaasje seemed happy with their bizarre friends.h.i.+p even though she was convinced it would never be more than it now was. Even stranger, she said Sinjin acted differently around mea"that she would never have imagined head endanger himself and rebel against Varick because of a woman. She seemed perplexed over the fact that Sinjin had seemed a jealous and possessive. Those were words that just didnat describe him. He wasnat that typea"he was the love-aem-and-leave-aem type.

Of course I didnat know what to think about any of that and just shelved it away as a mystery Iad never unravel. Sinjin was Sinjin and Iave come to realize I will never understand him or his actions. But somehow Iam okay with that, I guess.

After our heart-to-heart about Sinjin, I felt sorry for Klaasje as I wondered what it would mean to have loved Sinjin such a long time ago and be reunited with him in the here and now. Klaasje seemed to be lost in her thoughts for a little while and then she finally shook her head as she rubbed Sinjinas forehead (he was still out of it at this point) and asked him what head gotten himself into.

It was all very strange, and Iave since replayed the events over and over again in my head until Iam so sick of them, I canat even see straight. But at least Sinjin turned out to be okay. Klaasje informed me that he would require her blood each evening; in about three to four days head be the same old Sinjin we all know so well.

What that meant for me was that I couldnat leave the house, because I was sans my two bodyguards (Klaasje was too weak to protect me, owing to the bloodletting, and Sinjin a well, I think that much is obvious). Unless I wanted to subject myself to an entourage of wolves who had been appointed as my impromptu bodyguards, I was stuck in Kinloch.

So for the past three days Iave been sitting around here, playing with the cat and otherwise trying to keep myself occupied. Granted, we reanimated more soldiers in Bellaas armya"and I had the apleasurea of more lessons, the most recent on the history of the werewolf. But other than those minor distractions, Iave had way too much time on my hands. And having too much time on my hands sucks because it gives me plenty of opportunities to think, think, and think some more about how Rand chose not to ask for my hand. He never championed me, never played the role of white knight, riding up on his steed to steal the maiden away from the troll-faced interlopers. I know that sounds completely stupid but there is a part of mea"the little girl deep down inside mea"who believes in fairy tales and would love nothing more than to live that ridiculous dream. But thatas all it isa"an intangible dream. And one that should be destroyed, as far as Iam concerned.

Iave finally come to terms with the fact that the Rand of today is drastically different from my 1878 Rand. Really, they arenat even the same person. So maybe Iall never be able to keep the promise I made to 1878 Rand about us being together in this century. Maybe we arenat fated loversa"maybe we never were. Maybe we simply arenat fated anything.

I know it probably sounds like Iam feeling sorry for myself and I guess the truth is that I am. But, Diary, I have never felt so completely alone beforea"so totally abandoned. Yes, I have Christa and Iave always had Christa, but she has her own life.

I keep remembering my Rand of 1878, how tender he was, how our love had been so all-encompa.s.sing, so whole, true, and real a so completely beautiful. And the worst part is that I keep replaying in my head the memory of the moment he slid his motheras ring onto my finger and asked me to marry him. The look in his eyes had been so deep, so genuine. I experienced true happiness, true love for the first time in my entire life.

Thereas a void inside me nowa"a void thatas been sucking in all my hopes and aspirations for love. Itas a darkness thatas taking me over, a disease. But thereas nothing I can really do to stop it. Short of returning to 1878 and living out the remainder of my years there, I donat know that there is anything that can be done to save my heart from splintering and dying.

I set my pen down and felt a sob catch in my throat as I glanced down at Randas motheras ring, which I still wore on my left hand. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I pulled the ring off and opened the top drawer of my desk, dropping the ring inside. As I closed the drawer, I felt like I was closing off the part of me that believed in the idealism of love, the part of me that loved Rand.

At the sound of a knock on my door, I wiped my wet cheeks against the arms of my sweats.h.i.+rt. Mercedes announced herself and I begrudgingly opened the door, realizing the reason for her visit.

aIam not going to marry any of them,a I said with conviction.

Mercedes nodded as if she wasnat surprised by my announcement. aMay I come in?a I opened the door obediently, allowing her to enter.

aI do hope you have considered every angle of this issue? Weighed both the pros and the cons?a she asked.

I nodded and sighed, gazing out my window at the gray clouds that now obstructed the sun. Drops of rain began to gently fall, spritzing my window. aYes, my mind is made up.a aVery well,a Mercedes answered, offering me a brief smile before she turned to face the door. She took a few steps toward it but then stalled and faced me again. aDo you trust Sinjin?a she asked.

aTrust Sinjin?a I repeated, my tone belying the fact that I was at a total loss.

Mercedes nodded and focused on the ocean view outside my window. She approached the window and placing her fingers on the sill, stared down at the waves as they lapped at the rocks.

aWhy do you want to know?a I prodded when it seemed shead completely gone mute.

She continued admiring the view. aWere your hopes on Sinjin?a aWhat?a I asked, realizing she meant had I hoped Sinjin would ask for my hand instead of Varick. aNo! I wouldnat marry Sinjin.a She turned her eyes to me with a relieved expression and just nodded, although she didnat say anything for a few seconds. aI hope that in emanc.i.p.ating Sinjin from his master, you realized the weight of your action?a I hadnat really thought about the repercussions of that move so, no, I couldnat really say I did.

aWhy, whatas the big deal?a My voice was laced with defensiveness.

aSinjin will be much more powerful now.a I gulped. I didnat know why but for some reason that seemed like a bad thing. aHow? Heas still the same Sinjin.a Mercedes shook her head and forced a smile. aSinjin now has no one to keep him in line. That is why I wanted to know whether you trust him.a I narrowed my eyes. aI think the real question should be if you trust him.a Her shoulders bounced with surprise, as if she was taken aback. aWhy should it matter if I trust him?a I shook my head. aIt seems like thereas something going on between the two of you and every time I try to get an answer out of either of you, you tiptoe around the subject or avoid it in some other way.a Mercedes nodded as if she were weighing my words. aI do not trust the vampire,a she said simply.

aWhat are your meetings with Sinjin about?a I demanded, crossing my arms against my chest.

Mercedes shrugged and stepped away from my window, coming to stand in the middle of the room, just before me. aSinjin is after powera"whether it be your power or mine. He craves control.a Knowing Mercedes, I figured she wasnat giving me the whole picture. But at this point, I couldnat say I really cared what Sinjin and Mercedes were up to. No, I didnat care because I actually had another plan for my lifea"another path Iad just decided on about, um, ten minutes ago.

aMercedes,a I started, searching for the right way to phrase this next part. aAs your Queen, I want you to send me back to 1878.a aFor what purpose?a she asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

aBecause I hate my life,a I said and took a few steps away from her, feeling the sudden need to escape the d.a.m.ning expression in her eyes.

aWhat do you mean?a she asked.

aItas not that I hate it,a I admitted. I took a deep breath and looked at her. aI was happy in 1878. I loved Rand and he loved me. Nothing is the same now.a aIt is your duty to make it the same.a I laughed, but it was an ugly sound. I looked at the waves outside my window and wished I had no responsibility other than cras.h.i.+ng against the rocks and pulling back with the tide again. I faced Mercedes and shook my head. aIave tried to make things right in this century, believe me.a Mercedes shook her head. aPerhaps you are not trying hard enough. There is a reason, a purposea"a aYes, yes, yes, I know what youare going to say and Iam sick to death of hearing it,a I snapped. aIf this is the purpose and the reason to my life, I want none of it.a I started to shake with anger. aI hate what my life has become.a aI am very sorry to hear that.a But her tone said she wasnat sorry and wouldnat allow me to leave my troubles and worries behind. Mercedes would always protect the monarchy. She would always protect the kingdom.

aIf youare really sorry then send me back,a I finished.

Mercedesa lips pursed as her eyes narrowed on me. aAnd what of your responsibilities as Queen?a I shrugged and waved away her concerns. aYou be Queen. You are way more suited to the role than I ever was anyway. Youare more powerful than I am. You should have been Queen from the get-go.a aYou are not fully aware of your powers yet,a she said.

aI donat care. Right now, youad make a better Queen.a She shook her head. aI am not meant to be Queen, Jolie. The responsibility has always been set aside for you.a She took a few steps closer to me and tried to relax her frown into a smile, which came out looking like a grimace. aStop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on being the monarch we both know you are.a aThis isnat about feeling sorry for myself,a I barked although she did have a pointa"I was wallowing in my own misery. But no need to admit that.

aThen think no more on it.a She started for the door. I suddenly felt the tears welling in my eyes. aPlease, Mercedes.a She paused for a moment more and then showed herself out of my room, closing the door behind her.

I wasnat sure when Iad made the decision or why, really, but I found myself standing outside Randas guest room door and it took all my nerve to knock. Rand was visiting Kinloch in his position as chief advisor, not only to meet with Mercedes and me but also to help us reanimate the remainder of Bellaas soldiers.

I knocked and held my breath, my heart beating in time to the sounds of Randas heavy stride as he came to answer the door. He pulled it open and looked surprised at first, but his surprise slowly gave way to a smile.

aJolie?a aCan we talk?a I asked, s.h.i.+fting from one foot to the other as if I had to pee.

aOf course.a He opened the door for me.

I hurried inside and glanced around the room, taking in the light brown of the walls and the white of the furniture. Randas laptop was on a table positioned just in front of the fireplace. It was the only possession of his I could see.

aWhatas on your mind?a he started.

I stood in front of the fireplace and gazed down at the logs, covered in soot and halfway burned. aWhy didnat you stand up for me?a The frown on his face announced the fact that he had no idea what I was referencing. aI apologize buta"a aWhen everyone was offering marriage, why didnat you champion me?a He shook his head. aThere was no reason for me to.a aNo reason?a I scoffed.

Randas frown deepened. aYou are a strong woman, Jolie, itas not my responsibility to save you.a I felt something burst inside me, something angry. aItas not about saving me.a aThen what is it about?a I shook my head, feeling tears starting in my eyes. It had been incredibly stupid for me to come herea"especially given the fact that Rand and I had to work together closely. Iad let my emotions get the best of me, and it wasnat something I was proud of. Especially not when I was Queena"I needed to be more in control of myself.

aNever mind.a I turned on the ball of my foot as I started for the door. Rand grabbed my hand and pulled me back around again until I was facing him, until we were mere inches apart.

aI knew you werenat going to accept any of them,a he said in a gravelly voice.

aHow did you know that?a aBecause I know you.a I shook my head and dropped my attention to the floor before bringing it back to his face. aRand, for once, I just wanted you to react emotionally, to think with your heart instead of your brain. For once, I hoped youad stand up for me, let it be known that youare the only one for me.a I felt mortification blossom up within me at the fact that I was admitting things I usually kept inside and under wraps. But maybe it was about time I let it all out. Maybe admitting to my true feelings was exactly what I needed to do.

Rand glanced away from me and sighed deeply before looking down at me again. aI knew you wouldnat accept any of those proposals. You told me as much yourself.a He took another deep breath. aAnd Iall be d.a.m.ned if my marriage proposal were ever to be lumped in with the likes of Odran, Trent, Varick, and the King of the f.u.c.king demons!a I pulled away from him and shook my head, only aware of the fact that he just wasnat getting it. I started for the door again with tears bleeding down my cheeks.

aI donat know why I keep trying, Rand,a I said in a small voice, refusing to look at him. aItas like you keep kicking me and I stupidly keep coming back.a Before he could respond, I left the room.

I wasnat sure where I wanted to go and took the stairs two at a time, heading into the hallway that led through the living room and into the bedrooms belowground a those of the vampires. I angrily wiped the tears from my cheeks and vowed to myself that I would never expect anything of Rand again. He wasnat my 1878 Rand. He wasnat the same man Iad given myself to. The quicker I realized that, the better. Things with Rand were over. Done.

When I stopped walking, I found myself standing outside Sinjinas door, battling with myself over whether or not to knock. A plan had been coming together in my head, an escape route. But even as I stood in front of Sinjinas door, I had to ask myself if I was really going to do it.

I rapped on the door twice. It opened and Sinjin appeared in the darkness, glancing at me in surprise.

aPoppet, are you well?a aI need to speak with you,a I answered. Then it occurred to me that maybe Sinjin had a woman in his bedroom with him. aCan I come in or are you a occupied?a aOf course.a He smiled and opened the door just a smidgeon, forcing me to squeeze past him. When I did, I realized he was wearing only a pair of white silk boxer shorts. His chest was bare and beautiful, with its sculpted, ropy muscles.

aUm, do you want me to come back after youave dressed?a I asked, feeling decidedly uncomfortable.

Sinjin closed the door behind him and leaned against it, crossing his arms against his wide chest and smiled down at me a hungrily. aNo.a aOh, okay,a I said and started to fidget with the zipper of my sweats.h.i.+rt. Not wanting to face Sinjin in his current state of undress, I glanced around the room. It was a fairly large s.p.a.ce, painted dark blue; the carpet was a dark gray, thick and plush, almost like walking on memory foam. A king-sized bed with a black leather headboard dominated one wall, and black side tables flanked the bed. A flat-screen television decorated the opposite wall, and it looked like Sinjin had installed some sort of high-tech sound system. Itas not like I knew anything about sound systems but given that there were speakers in each corner of the ceiling, I figured it would probably be impressive to anyone who knew about that sort of stuff.

aDid Mercedes pick all this stuff out for you?a I asked, in awe.

Sinjin chuckled. aNo. Had she, I imagine this room would resemble the rest of the housea"a style not quite in line with my own.a Well, I guess Sinjin wouldnat like my style either because I loved the furnis.h.i.+ngs in Kinloch. But that wasnat why I was here and I needed to get to the point. I mean, I was standing in a room with a half-naked vampire.

aThank you, poppet,a Sinjin said, and his English accent was thick, sensual.

I glanced at him in surprise. aFor what?a He stood up straight from his stance against the door and approached me. When he was just in front of me, he put a hand on each of my shoulders and pushed me backward until my calves met his bed.

aSit, you appear nervous,a he said.

So I did. I sat down on his enormous bed and watched a smile of amus.e.m.e.nt spread across his mouth that said he had me right where he wanted me.

aWhy are you thanking me?a I demanded.

aYou freed me from Varick,a he said simply. aThat was a favor the likes of which I will never be able to repay.a I shook my head. aThereas no need given all the good turns youave done me.a I mean, there was rescuing me when Bella kidnapped me, training me to fight against the vampire Ryder, feeding me his blood a the list went on.

aWe can agree to disagree, poppet.a He studied me for a moment or two, still standing before me. aTell me why you have come.a I dropped my gaze to my hands, which looked so small in my lap, and sighed before glancing up at Sinjin again. aI want you to take me away.a He quirked a brow and considered me curiously. aTake you where?a aI donat care. I just want to escape.a I stood up and approached the far side of his room, wis.h.i.+ng he had a window. I suddenly felt claustrophobic. I leaned against the wall and faced him again. aI no longer want this life. I want out of here.a aDo you think that is being responsible given youra"a aI donat care about responsibility!a I railed.

Sinjin nodded as if he couldnat disagree. aAnd you wish for me to escort you a to what?a aTo a new life,a I muttered as I took a deep breath. This wasnat coming out exactly like I had hoped it would. aI mean, I imagine you arenat tied to Kinlocha"or to Britain, for that matter?a Sinjin nodded. aI have no ties.a Considering that to be in my favor, I took a few steps toward him. aWe could go somewhere else, then, Sinjin. We could travel the world and do whatever we want to do.a aWhat are you trying to escape?a I swallowed hard. aNothing. Iam aa aPerhaps I should rephrase the question. Who are you trying to escape?a There was no point in lying. aRand.a Sinjin nodded and was silent for a few seconds, but he never took his eyes from mine. aI will heed your wishes on one condition.a aWhich is?a He came closer to me until no more than six inches of air separated us. aThat you forget the warlock. If we are to start a new life together, I want you to give yourself to me. I want to share your bed, your body.a I swallowed hard and battled the feelings within me. I wanted Sinjin, I always had. But could I go through with it? Could I shelve my feelings for Rand and focus on Sinjin? The better question was: Could I trust Sinjin?

aDone,a I said.

Sinjin smiled broadly and took the step that separated us until his chest brushed up against mine. aYou do understand what that entails?a I felt the breath catch in my throat as I forced myself to meet his sensual gaze. aI think so,a I answered, so intimidated by him that it came out as a mere whisper.

aIt means, my pet, that I will taste you whenever I choose, your body will belong to me, it will be my name you scream when I am inside you.a Feeling his breath against my cheeks, I closed my eyes. I couldnat help it. A flurry of b.u.t.terflies started in my stomach. I tried to beat them down, tried to convince myself I could go through with this.

aDo you think about making love to me?a he asked, his breath caressing my skin as his finger outlined my neck, tracing my collarbone.

aIave always wondered what it would be like,a I admitted.