Everlasting. Part 17

It was quickly so hot inside the van, so moist from their breath and sweat, that their skin grew slippery, and as they moved together they were covered with an aromatic film, as sweet and slick as attar, the oil of roses.

They slept in the van until the first light awakened Piet. He drove Catherine back to her apartment.

"Come to my place tonight," Catherine said. "I'll fix something for dinner."

"It will have to be early," Piet replied, stifling a yawn.

Catherine laughed and nuzzled him. "Piet, I think I've worn you out! Look, take the day off after you buy the flowers. Sleep all day."

"All right," Piet said, kissing her softly. "Good night."

It was odd to be in her apartment, awake and dressed, at five-thirty. Her head felt light and buzzing. She walked from window to window of her apartment, looking out at the New York City streets as if her building were a s.h.i.+p newly landed in a foreign port. Now the streets appeared to be paved with silver, and window boxes blazed with geraniums and petunias like jewels. In her bedroom, she stripped off her clothes and crawled naked between white sheets.

In the early afternoon, Catherine awoke, clearheaded and light-hearted. She sang as she showered and dressed, hummed as she hurried into her office. She worked steadily until late that afternoon, when Leslie knocked on Catherine's office door.

"Is this a good time?"

"Yes. Come in," Catherine said. "We're really slow today." She kicked off her heels and curled up on the opposite end of the sofa from Leslie.

"You look like the cat that got the cream," Leslie said.

"I am the cat that got the cream."

"Well, it's about time. So, how was it?"

Catherine grinned. "Absolutely perfect."

"Lucky you. I can't believe you waited all these years. I wasn't even sure you were interested in him until I saw you with him last night."

Catherine told Leslie about Ned in England and, in a different tone of voice, about Piet the night before. "I'd better make an appointment to see a gynecologist."

"Do it right away. Believe me, it's not something you want to wait on."

Something in Leslie's voice made Catherine ask, "Leslie. Are you pregnant?"

"Not now I'm not!" she answered, standing up with a surge of energy. "Let's go for a walk. I hate just sitting. Can you leave for a while?"

"Sure. I'll just tell Jason to take over."

They walked out into the afternoon suns.h.i.+ne, heading for Central Park. Perhaps it was the motion that freed Leslie, or the way walking kept them from meeting each other's eyes, or perhaps it was the bustle of the city around them that put everything in its proper perspective. But finally Leslie was able to tell Catherine why she had come to New York.

"I love Paris. It's my place. I feel more at home there than I do here. But I had to get away for a while."

"Why?"

"I had an abortion. Just three weeks ago. Oh, I'm fine-I've never felt better, it was done in a doctor's office and I wasn't very far along. I didn't want to marry the father, and I don't think he would have married me. Well, we'd only just met. It was all a mistake. It shouldn't have happened. I don't feel guilty, and I'd have an abortion again, but I do feel just-sorry. Sorry it all happened."

"I'm sorry, too, Leslie. Sorry you had to go through all that."

"Well, it comes down to choosing your life, doesn't it?" Leslie said. They'd entered the park now and slowed their stride as they walked along a sidewalk dappled with sun and lacy shadows from the trees overhead. "I'm serious about painting, Catherine. I always have been. You know that. Part of the reason I came back to New York was to remind myself what I'm escaping. I've visited Robin and Terry the past few days, and they're happy and sweet as always, but Catherine-they're just like we knew they'd be. Paper-doll husband, home, and children. Textbook life. It gives me the creeps. Just seeing them makes me want to run screaming back to Paris."

Catherine laughed. "Oh, Leslie, you're too hard on them."

"You don't understand!" Leslie stopped on the pavement and grabbed Catherine by the arm, turning Catherine to face her. "I want to choose my life," she said hotly.

"I do understand, Leslie. Let go. I'll tell you about something I did."

Sitting in the sun on a bench in Central Park, she told Leslie about blackmailing P. J. Willington. Somehow, she was not surprised by Leslie's whoop of laughter.

"How wonderful! How brave! I've always wanted to do something like that."

"It's illegal, Leslie. It's wrong."

"What does illegal mean? Laws are made by men."

"Still-"

"We're mavericks, you and I, Catherine. And that sometimes means making our own rules."

Listening to Leslie, Catherine felt something inside her relax. It was as if she'd been offered absolution, sufficient for her own needs. As they walked back to the shop, Catherine linked arms with her friend.

"Oh, G.o.d, Leslie, I wish you lived in New York! I miss talking with you! It's so hard to sort things out."

"I think you're doing beautifully," Leslie said as they entered Blooms, where Piet stood, relaxed and idle, waiting for Catherine.

Catherine lay naked on her bed, facedown, legs spread, hands grasping at the sheets. It was late, after midnight, and hot and dark in her bedroom. She was covered with sweat. Behind and above her, Piet moved. They'd been making love for hours. Several times she had stopped him from doing certain things. "Don't," she'd said. "I can't." And he had stopped at once. Now he was only touching her back, her waist, her hips, lightly, but she knew what he was doing. Piet had a way of slowly making love that was like gently tracing lines all over her body. Yet when he chose, he could touch that one spot in her that made her plunge, blinded, deafened, crying, into a dark realm of such extreme pleasure that she cried out in terror. Now he flattened his body on top of hers so she could feel the scratch of his hairy chest, the rod of his p.e.n.i.s against her skin. She was wet, shuddering against him. He took her too far, too deep, he made her feel too much, yet she knew she would want him over and over again.

In early August Leslie went back to Paris. Piet always took two weeks off in late August to visit his family in Amsterdam, and when he told Catherine he was going this year as usual, she was both disappointed and relieved. Disappointed, because she knew she'd miss him ferociously. Relieved, because his absence meant she could rest, sleep, see Ann on the Vineyard, recover herself.

At first, after they became lovers, she couldn't help but worry what working together now would be like. He was still her employee. And with all her employees, Jesus and Manuel and Lina, even with Sandra and Jason, Catherine knew that she had to maintain just the slightest distance. She felt like the captain of a s.h.i.+p who at times had to be obeyed or they'd all go down, yet because of her youth and femininity it was hard work. She could laugh and joke with her employees, she could even fall apart occasionally, but she had to recover quickly. Her clothes, her Miss Brill's voice, above all her competence, earned her her workers' respect. But she knew that would be weakened if they sensed her l.u.s.t for Piet.

But a day went by, then two days, then a week, and she realized that Piet hadn't changed toward her at work at all. In the shop he was completely natural and una.s.suming with her, cool and deferential as he always had been. She was grateful, yet she also wondered at his composure after the nights they spent together.

During the two weeks Piet was in Amsterdam, Catherine was struck anew at how essential he was to the smooth running of her business. Now she had to rise at four-thirty and get to the flower district to buy the flowers for the day. It took knowledge, skill, and rapport with the wholesalers to do the job well. Some flower wholesalers offered better prices on their flowers if the transaction was paid in cash rather than charged to the house account. Catherine had to compare flowers at various wholesalers, judging by touch and instinct which were tight and fresh, keeping in mind the orders for the day and which arrangements called for closed or open flowers. Back at her shop, she missed Piet in the bas.e.m.e.nt. He managed the workers with a mixture of good humor and fierce authority that Catherine could never hope to imitate. Even in August, Blooms required one man who did nothing but wash containers, unpack nonperishables, and keep the shelves clean and stocked, one man to clean and condition the flowers that came into the shop from the market, and one or two delivery men who could set up Jason's often intricate, fragile arrangements in hotel lobbies and meeting rooms without destroying them. The delivery men had to know how to get around New York quickly, how to speak politely and intelligently with hotel managers, yet they had to be strong enough to carry all the heavy containers. And these men didn't always find it easy to take a young female boss seriously.

After giving them their orders for the day, she had to talk with Jason about the day's arrangements, touch base with Sandra about which clients were expected. By midafternoon she was exhausted, and by evening all she wanted to do was sleep. She couldn't wait for Piet to return.

Late in August she met his plane and drove him back to her apartment. They made love quickly and greedily, then slept. When they awoke, Piet presented her with an unusual necklace of bronze and beads and little bells, which she kissed him for but secretly didn't like. Over scrambled eggs, she screwed up her courage and asked, "Piet? Now that we are ... involved ... is there anything you'd like to change about work?"

He seemed surprised. "No. What would I want to change? I'm happy."

"But I know you have a lot of money. Why are you working for me when you have so much money? You could start your own store. You could become partners with me."

"I'm planning, Catherine."

"Well, don't be so secretive! Tell me!"

"I will when things are worked out. Right now everything is vague. Don't worry. I'll let you know if I foresee any changes in my life."

Piet was able to keep his private life utterly separate from his working life, and that both frustrated and pleased Catherine. He continued to rise early to buy the flowers and to leave the shop early in the afternoon while she worked into the evening. As the autumn unfolded, they saw each other several times a week. Piet would come to her apartment, they would eat dinner, make love, fall asleep. They had little time for small talk or evenings out; they were both so busy with work and so eager to spend what time they had making love.

In September New York's social season began. Catherine's desk was piled high with engraved invitations on creamy vellum and carbon-smeared invoices on onionskin. She had to meet with prospective clients, usually for tea at their offices or homes, where she could look at the room to be decorated. This year, she found herself full of energy, bright ideas, charm, patience, and tact. In response, her clients recommended her to friends, and she began getting more calls, more business. She loved it. She worked hard.

Ann called Catherine from Boston often that fall to tell her how much she loved college. Sh.e.l.ly had returned from his camping trip to start his junior year, then dropped out after a month. He told his father college was too much of a drag. Sh.e.l.ly's friend Todd had dropped out, too, and they were heading back to California in Todd's van. Catherine's father called her to complain.

"Dad, there's nothing I can do. Sh.e.l.ly's on his own now."

"But, Catherine, we're afraid he's smoking pot."

"All the kids are smoking pot! Come on, Dad-" Catherine drummed her fingers with impatience.

"But San Francisco. Hippies. Who knows what Sh.e.l.ly might do? You know he's always been hard to handle."

"Yes, and he's a grown man now. He's responsible for himself. There's nothing we can do." Catherine softened her voice. "Let him go. You know, I heard from Ann last night. She got an A on her history exam." Talking about Ann always cheered their father up.

Blooms did a staggering amount of business over Christmas and New Year's. People who never bought flowers wanted flowers now, and those who always bought flowers wanted something special. People who didn't know what to buy for presents, or had forgotten a gift, came rus.h.i.+ng desperately into the shop and went out smiling, laden with an unusual plant or a sheaf of fresh-cut flowers. Women too busy with shopping and parties and Christmas b.a.l.l.s and charity dinners and celebrations had Catherine come in to decorate their homes for Christmas.

"Now this is wealthy!" Catherine whispered to Piet as they set up a fourteen-foot Christmas tree in the marble-floored foyer of an apartment that looked out over Central Park. In the four niches of the semicircular foyer were four marble busts representing the virtues of the women of the British empire. Catherine attached a sprig of red-berried holly jauntily over the ear of each marble lady. That was the sort of touch the clients liked; it made them seem witty.

Once Catherine asked Piet if he would attend a holiday ball with her.

"Sorry. I know I'd be too tired. Besides, I don't have a tux."

"Well, buy one, Piet. You can afford it!"

"Look, Catherine. Don't tell me what to do with my money, and I won't tell you what to do with yours."

"Oh, Piet! You drive me crazy!"

"I know. It's good for you," he replied, and began kissing the back of her neck.

It was true. Piet was good for her. Catherine was grateful for his odd way of loving her, if love was what it was. They had never said "I love you." Not once. They never spoke about a future together. They didn't trade intimate stories about their families and their past. They made love, and they talked shop. They lived in an infinite present, concerned only with each day's work, each night's pleasure. However odd it seemed, Catherine was very happy. She was free to give her life over to her ambitions for the store, knowing that she could have companions.h.i.+p without complications. Piet brought her pleasure, took pleasure from her, and asked for nothing more.

There were moments when she was drifting up from sleep, or relaxing in a scented bath, when thoughts of Kit would rise within her like a spell, and she remembered how with Kit she had felt like one-half of a whole. When she and Kit had made love, she had felt that they were working together toward the same thing. It was different with Piet. He did things to her. She liked what he did, and she enjoyed doing things to him, but she never felt more separate from him than when they were in bed.

So, Catherine told herself, the body lies, our deepest instincts lie. Kit was married to someone else. She shook her head sharply, snapping herself out of memory into real life.

In the spring of 1969, a national women's magazine did a profile on Catherine as one of the new young female millionaires. Catherine wondered if Kit would see the article, especially the picture where Piet stood at her side in front of one of Blooms' opulent displays. She was surprised at herself: when would she ever stop thinking of Kit?

"Spring bulbs will be plentiful," Kathryn said.

It was late March, a windy, rainy, bleak day, but cozy by the fire in the library, where the two women sat looking at the sketch pad on which Kathryn had drawn up her diagrams and lists.

Catherine was now in the habit of visiting her grandmother once a week, on Mondays, her day off. The drive out to East Hampton and back provided her with valuable quiet time, and her grandmother's house and gardens always gave her new ideas. And she knew her grandmother liked having her around, although it was always on Kathryn's terms.

Kathryn was obsessed. She was seventy-three, and before she died, she wanted to plan and plant a white-and-purple garden at Everly. Years ago she'd chosen the spot, a peaceful, flat s.p.a.ce of ground that she could see out of her bedroom window. Back then she'd had j.a.panese lilac trees, lilac bushes, and rhododendrons planted. Now, in the spring of 1969, these bloomed lavishly, enclosing the chosen s.p.a.ce in dense, plumy, fragrant walls of blossoms.

Now she was making diagrams and lists of what she would plant that summer. "White: snowflowers, paperwhite narcissus, crocuses, and lily of the valley. I must write to Holland for some white tulip bulbs. Purple: crocus again, and a mult.i.tude of hyacinths. I want to have the walkways paved in a swirling design, with white paving stones. The heather and heath will grow wonderfully with that sandy soil. Late in spring, an army of iris. Then violets, although they need the shade. In the summer, larkspur, snapdragons, and sweet pansies. I've always loved pansies."

"If you had a greenhouse, Grandmother, you could start the pansies, and many of the others, in the house in the winter."

Kathryn brushed at the air as if at an irritating gnat. "I've always thought greenhouses looked vulgar. Like factories. No, there's no need for a greenhouse. I can start what I want in the windows of the pantries and sheds."

Catherine didn't argue. She didn't want to offend her grandmother by presuming to tell her how to run Everly. Still, with Blooms, it was such a temptation, all this open s.p.a.ce here, so close to New York; if she could have only an acre of ground to plant.... The floral trade was such a compet.i.tive business, especially in New York. Yet while Kathryn encouraged Catherine to talk about her latest, most clever arrangements, she grew impatient with any real shop talk, to say nothing of discussing finances. Catherine supposed one of the prerogatives of old age was that of choosing to listen only to what was pleasant.

Catherine worked hard, and she was getting rich. Twice a month she had dinner with her financial adviser, Mr. Giles, who adored her for making so much money at such a young age. Following his advice, when she was offered the chance of buying the apartment beneath hers, she grabbed it and turned her apartment into a s.p.a.cious duplex. Now she had a living room, dining room, and guest room on the first floor and a huge bedroom with a fireplace, a dressing room, and an office on the second. She furnished the apartment with European antiques that Mr. Giles considered shrewd investments; she bought at Christie's or one of the smaller auction houses like Tepper.

She did not suggest to Piet that he move in with her, for whenever she even approached the subject, he s.h.i.+ed away. The more she tried to learn about him, the more mysterious he became. If she tried, however subtly, to pry, he closed up, a creature with a sh.e.l.l. She knew everything about his body, but almost nothing about his private thoughts. The few times she got angry, he remained fatally cool; the more she stormed, the thicker his invisible s.h.i.+eld became. Frustrated, she now and then threatened to break things off. But this always led to Piet smiling and touching her, drawing her near him, kissing her, embracing her, and then they were making love and she forgot about leaving him.

That summer she took Ann to France to spend a week touring the castles in the Loire Valley. Then Ann flew to England to work with Hortense for the summer, and Catherine spent a week in Paris with Leslie. Leslie's Left Bank loft was full of vivid abstract paintings that Catherine found rather alarming; and Leslie herself seemed a bit alarming, too. She still wore black constantly, with heavy black eye shadow and white lipstick, and she worried constantly, neurotically, about her paintings. "I didn't get this one quite right," she said over and over again to Catherine, biting her nails, intense. Catherine met Leslie's current lover, another artist named Paul, a skeletal, nervous, vaguely s.a.d.i.s.tic man who gave Catherine the creeps.

"Don't you ever think about getting married? Having children?" Catherine asked Leslie. They were sitting under an umbrella at a sidewalk cafe, drinking Pernod.

"G.o.d, no. The very thought horrifies me. Don't tell me you're thinking of that kind of life! Catherine, you're a closet bourgeois."

"Perhaps. At least I'm beginning to wish whatever it is I have with Piet were a little more definite. Do you know, we've been lovers for a year now, and he hasn't ever said he loves me!"

"What about you?"

"Of course I have-" Catherine grinned. "But now that I think about it, I've always said it when we've been ... in bed. I've never said it when we've been, oh, walking down the street. As a matter of fact, when we're not in bed, we're rarely together, unless we're working. And then it's as if we're completely different people. He never touches me at work-and I'm grateful, but still, Leslie, don't you think that's weird? After a year of being lovers?"

"Mmm?" Leslie's attention had wandered. A handsome young man in blue jeans had sat down at a table near theirs and was eyeing Leslie over his beer.

"Leslie," Catherine whispered, "he's too young! I'll bet he hasn't even graduated from college!"

"They're the best kind. They can go on all night."

"You're a hopeless degenerate."

"I'm working at it. You should work at it, too, Catherine. You don't want to end up married and dead." Leslie lowered her eyelids and smiled invitingly at the young man. "I'd die if I didn't get a look like this at least once a week," she said.

When Catherine returned from her vacation, Piet was gone to Amsterdam. She had to work twice as hard to make up for his absence, and what free time she had she spent at Everly with her grandmother. Almost every Sunday Catherine spent weeding and watering the white-and-purple garden, which was taking nicely; then she'd sit with Kathryn and Clara, drinking tea and admiring the results of their labor.

One Sunday afternoon Catherine spotted a postcard on the front hall table, message face up. She recognized the handwriting.

Dear Grandmother, I've got blisters on my hands from the secateurs and spades, aches in my back, dirt under my nails, and I've never been so happy. The next time you come to this Everly, you can see what I've done. I think I'll become a horticulturist.