The Sea, The Sea Part 16

Hartley said, 'Could I have the car at once at once, please?' She spoke in a hard almost angry tone. t.i.tus said, 'I looked out the front, I couldn't see it. She's getting very bothered.'

'Nothing to bother about/ I said. I went into the kitchen and they followed me. 'Won't you have some supper?'

'I must go must go,' said Hartley. Her moment, whatever it had been, with t.i.tus, was now over, and the cruel husband-dominated time whose slave she was had driven even t.i.tus out of her head. The old panic was back. How I detested that fierce almost relentless look of fear upon her face. It made her ugly. While in the wood, when she kissed my hand, she had looked beautiful.

t.i.tus said, 'Come on, where's the car, she's got to go home.'

t.i.tus had evidently forgotten that his task was to keep Hartley at Shruff End. Or more likely, he had been infected by her fear. I had been too tactful in my explanations to t.i.tus, too vague. I had not told him everything that I had in mind, partly because I did not know how he would react. I had told him that my idea was that Hartley would want to stay, and that he should add his persuasions. But I now saw that I ought to have been more explicit.

'There's no need to go,' I said.

'I've stayed much longer than I meant to already,' said Hartley. 'He said he'd be back about half past nine, but he could be sooner. So please please I must go now, this very minute.' I must go now, this very minute.'

'There's no need to. I've sent Opian round with a note saying you're here with t.i.tus, so he won't worry, he'll come here. Then Gilbert can run you all back.'

t.i.tus whistled. He saw at once the enormity of what I had done.

Hartley was a moment taking it in. 'You meanyou mean you've told told him, deliberately him, deliberately told told himoh, you wickedoh, you foolyou don't knowyou don't know' Tears of rage and despair sprang into her eyes and her face blazed at me. I stepped back. himoh, you wickedoh, you foolyou don't knowyou don't know' Tears of rage and despair sprang into her eyes and her face blazed at me. I stepped back.

I said, pursuing the role that I had adopted, but also speaking sincerely, 'Hartley, you mustn't be so frightened of him! I'm absolutely fed up with your att.i.tude to that b.l.o.o.d.y man. Why should you feel you have to lie to him all the time? Why the h.e.l.l shouldn't you be here with t.i.tus, it's perfectly natural and proper!'

t.i.tus looked at Hartley with interested concern and at me quizzically. 'And did you invite invite him here? him here?

Jesus!' He added, 'Of course he won't have seen the letter yet because he won't be home.'

Hartley, looking at her watch, had just realized this too. 'Oh yes, he mustn't see it, he mustn't see it!

If we go at once there'll be time to get it before he sees it. Then everything will be all right. He just mustn't see the letter. Please, we must go at once, the car, the car!'

I said, with a maddening air of calm, 'I'm terribly sorry, but the car isn't here. It's gone on to the garage by the Raven Hotel, there's a fault in the engine.'

'When will it be back?' said t.i.tus.

'I don't know, oh soon, I daresay.'

'We could ring them up.'

'I haven't got a telephone.'

Hartley cried, 'I must go, I must go, I must go, if I run I can get there in time'

'I'll run for you,' said t.i.tus.

'No, you won't,' I said, glaring at him. 'Now, Hartley, just sit down here at the table and stop behaving like a mad person. The car will probably be back any moment. But listen, I don't want you to go back there, back to him, back to his house. I want you to stay here, to stay here with t.i.tus and me with t.i.tus and me.' I gave t.i.tus another meaningful look. I felt as if I were sifting sifting the sense into her head. Hartley sat down. She looked from me to t.i.tus and back like a frightened animal. I sat down beside her. She was trembling, and I saw some dawning of understanding in her terrified eyes. There was a sudden atmosphere of crisis. the sense into her head. Hartley sat down. She looked from me to t.i.tus and back like a frightened animal. I sat down beside her. She was trembling, and I saw some dawning of understanding in her terrified eyes. There was a sudden atmosphere of crisis.

t.i.tus said, 'She wants to go back. And I'll go back with her. I've decided to.'

I said, still trying to gain time, 'No, no, both of you stay here. Hartley, my dear, he'll know where you are, he won't think you've drowned. He can come and see t.i.tus here. t.i.tus stays here, he lives here. t.i.tus, you don't really want to go over there, do you?'

t.i.tus, visibly distressed, said again, 'She wants to go back. She doesn't want him to see the letter. There's still time. I could run over there in twenty minutes. It's just beyond the village, isn't it?'

'Oh go, please, please,' cried Hartley, 'go now, the door isn't locked, you can just?

'Or should I run to the hotel? Which is nearer?'

I said to t.i.tus, 'I want him to see the letter. And you are both to stay here. Are we that man's slaves?

I want to let your mother out of that cage.'

Hartley gave a cry of woe.

'Why do you want him to see the letter?' said t.i.tus. 'I don't understand all this, it's like some sort of plot. I know you said you hoped she'd want to see me here, and that. But I didn't think you meant to pull the whole bag of tricks down on her head.'

'That is exactly what I do want to do,' I said, 'to pull the whole bag of tricks down on her head.'

'No, no!' Hartley leapt up and made a dash for the door.

I blundered after her, and reaching for her shoulder grabbed the neck of the dress, which tore a little. When she felt it tear she stopped. Then she came back to the table and sat down with her face in her hands.

t.i.tus said, 'Look, I don't like this. You can't keep her here against her will.'

'I want her to be able to decide freely.'

'Freely? She can't,' said t.i.tus. 'She's forgotten about freedom long ago. Besides, if you keep her here she'll be far too frightened to think. You don't know what this is like, she might go mad. I'm afraid I misunderstood. You didn't say so, but I thought you had some sort of understanding with her. I thought she was sort of prepared. But you can't suddenly make someone leave someone they've lived with for years.'

'Why not? When people do leave people they've lived with for years they usually do it suddenly because that's the only possible way. I'm helping her to do what she really wants to do but without help can't. Isn't that clear?'

'Not awfully.'

'She'll calm down, she'll be able to think, soon, tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow? Here Here?'

'Yes.'

'You're going to keep her all night?'

'Yes.'

'Suppose he comes?'

'I don't think he will. To answer your earlier question, I did not invite him.'

'Oh, Jesus. What'll he think?'

'I don't care a f.u.c.k what he thinks,' I said, 'in fact, the worse he thinks the better. Let him think anything his foul imagination can beget.'

'That's part ofpulling everything down?'

'Yes.'

'My G.o.d,' said t.i.tus. Then he said, 'I think it's obscene. And I don't like this talking about her as if she were a child or mental patient. I'm going to swim.'

't.i.tus don't think too ill of me you see '

'Oh I don't think ill of you, in a way I'm quite breathless with admiration. I just couldn't do it myself.'

'You're not going to run over there for the letter?'

'No. I expect it's too late anyway.'

'And you won't run away from me?'

'I won't run away from you.'

He went out of the back door.

Outside it was a hazier later evening and the shadows of the rocks were long, long on the gra.s.s. I did not look at my watch. I sat down beside Hartley.

She had taken her hands from her face and was sitting limp, staring at the table. Where I had dragged at her dress there was a little triangular tear. I could see the deep reddish streak of sunburn that led downward from her throat. I could see her bra.s.siere and the roundness other contained b.r.e.a.s.t.s. The quick almost panting movement of her breath.

It was indeed obscene. I had, from the inception of this plan in my mind, intended to keep Hartley here, by force if necessary; but I had not imagined the details, and I had somehow hoped that as soon as she saw t.i.tus in my house she would make the great mental leap, the intuition, the necessary conjecture: she would see see her freedom and the possibility of living with t.i.tus and me. And once she had grasped her freedom I had the strong and reasonable hope that she would come to me, even though t.i.tus was an unknown quant.i.ty and had his own freedom to dispose of. But perhaps I had indeed, inspired by the boy's providential appearance, tried to move too fast. The horrors of the last half hour had shaken my resolution so that I nearly conceived of, after all, taking her home. Yet could I, now? He was almost certainly back and had read that letter and my plan had succeeded so well that it had trapped me also. I did now look at my watch. It was twenty-five past nine. her freedom and the possibility of living with t.i.tus and me. And once she had grasped her freedom I had the strong and reasonable hope that she would come to me, even though t.i.tus was an unknown quant.i.ty and had his own freedom to dispose of. But perhaps I had indeed, inspired by the boy's providential appearance, tried to move too fast. The horrors of the last half hour had shaken my resolution so that I nearly conceived of, after all, taking her home. Yet could I, now? He was almost certainly back and had read that letter and my plan had succeeded so well that it had trapped me also. I did now look at my watch. It was twenty-five past nine.

I took her hands and put them neatly one on top of the other, and my hand above them. Then I turned her face round to look at me. She had not been crying. To my unspeakable relief I received, not the harsh anxious glare that I so much dreaded, but a new quiet look, gentle and reflective; and although she looked so sad yet she seemed younger, more like her old self, and also more alive, less apathetic, more intelligent. My confidence returned. Perhaps, after all, her freedom was stirring. Perhaps my plan had been right. It was a question of a cure, a psychological cure. And in the instant I decided that it would now be fatal to show any weakness. I must be absolute, I must be to the full the being who had made t.i.tus breathless with admiration.

'I'm not going to let you go, Hartley. Not tonight, not ever. You can't go back tonight anyway. It's too late to get that letter. He's He's got it now. Let him think what he pleases. Why should you fear him and lie to him? That hurts me so. I can't bear it, t.i.tus can't bear it. t.i.tus wants you, but he doesn't want him. Doesn't that suggest anything to your mind? I like t.i.tus, t.i.tus likes me. Why shouldn't t.i.tus be my son, why shouldn't you be my wife? It's fate. Hartley, it's fate. Why should t.i.tus turn up just got it now. Let him think what he pleases. Why should you fear him and lie to him? That hurts me so. I can't bear it, t.i.tus can't bear it. t.i.tus wants you, but he doesn't want him. Doesn't that suggest anything to your mind? I like t.i.tus, t.i.tus likes me. Why shouldn't t.i.tus be my son, why shouldn't you be my wife? It's fate. Hartley, it's fate. Why should t.i.tus turn up just now now, why should he come to me me? Why should I be here at all? You must see how extraordinarily it's all worked out. t.i.tus so much wanted to be with you, but he would never have gone over there, never. And you were glad to see him, weren't you? And you were able to talk to him. What did you talk about?'

'The dogs'

'The dogs?'

'He was remembering the dogs we had when he was little, he likes animals.'

'Ohgood. Hartley, just relax, let it go, let it drop drop.'

'Let what drop?'

'You knowthis burden, this useless fruitless loyalty, this pointless sacrifice. You're making his his life a misery too, let it go, let life a misery too, let it go, let him him go. You're like a half-dead person.' go. You're like a half-dead person.'

'Yes,' she said thoughtfully. 'I've felt half deadyesoften. I think quite a lot of people do. But you can live on half dead and even have pleasures in your life.'

The reflective tone of her voice made me want to sing out with joy. I was reaching her. She was speaking of it, of it it. I was waking up my sleeping princess. 'You must be hungry. Have some wine. Have some kedgeree, there's a bit left.'

'I'll just have some wine. And some of that bread.'

'And cheese. And olives.'

'I don't like olives, I told you before.'

She ate a few mouthfuls of bread and cheese, then thrust it aside. She drank some wine. I drank a little too. I could not eat.

'Hartley, do you know, I think you've crossed the Rubicon. And what's on the other side? Freedom, happiness.'

'Something has certainly happened,' she said, and she gave me her calmer face, deliberately smoothing out her brow with her hand. Then she smoothed her cheeks, moulding her face and making it calm and open. There was a capability, a capacity there which heartened me. I saw again the way her 'wildness' was also a kind of serenity. 'But it's not what you think. It isn't anything to do with happiness. I'm not going to struggle with you, dear Charles, I mean to struggle physically, to try to rush away, and to weep and scream when I can't, though that is just what I am doing now in my mind, weeping and screaming. There are moments, I've learnt, when one has to fold one's hands. I can see what you want to do and why. You want to make my marriage crash, explode. But it won't. It's indestructible.'

'You speak as if it were a prison.'

'People live in prisons.'

'Not if they can get out.'

'Then too, sometimes. Butoh you don't understand. You can only make things worse. And you have done so tonight.'

Her words, her tone, now sounded terrible, like a calm judge p.r.o.nouncing a fatal sentence. Yet I thought, if she desperately, absolutely wanted to go she would would weep and scream, and could reasonably believe that this would make me give in. So, since she was, though tragically, calm she must be a little bit glad to be forced to stay. No doubt her feelings were wretchedly mixed, positively minced up. It was getting a little darker in the kitchen now. t.i.tus came in through the outside door and went over to the stove. He did not look at us. He found the plate with the remains of the kedgeree. I was suddenly reminded of Gilbert who would still be at his post outside. I called after t.i.tus, who was disappearing into the hall with the kedgeree, 'Go and tell Gilbert to come in. He's up by the tower with the car. Then lock the front door.' weep and scream, and could reasonably believe that this would make me give in. So, since she was, though tragically, calm she must be a little bit glad to be forced to stay. No doubt her feelings were wretchedly mixed, positively minced up. It was getting a little darker in the kitchen now. t.i.tus came in through the outside door and went over to the stove. He did not look at us. He found the plate with the remains of the kedgeree. I was suddenly reminded of Gilbert who would still be at his post outside. I called after t.i.tus, who was disappearing into the hall with the kedgeree, 'Go and tell Gilbert to come in. He's up by the tower with the car. Then lock the front door.'

I gave her some more wine. There was now something almost alarming about her resigned quietness. Did she expect I would suddenly take her home after all? Perhaps it was her dread of just this prospect which made her so quiet?

I did not immediately follow up what she said. I got up and locked the outside door and pocketed the key. I was faintly sure Ben would not turn up tonight. I was feeling so strong now that I hardly cared whether he did or not. I heard Gilbert coming in, complaining loudly to t.i.tus, and I heard the key turn in the front door. I lit a candle and pulled the curtains although it was still light outside with a huge dull moon the colour of Wensleydale cheese. It was the first time I had been with Hartley without an urgent time limit. The sense of solitude with her, of the extension of time, was uncanny. I felt both exultant and unreal. I drank some more wine.

'Hartley, I don't think I've been perfectly happyat allsince you went away. You can't conceive how I suffered then. But we were happy, weren't we? When we were on our bikes. That was youth, like it ought to be, joyous, perfect. I've never loved anybody else. That is why, really, you must excuse me if I now go to some lengths ' I adopted a light tone, hoping to entice her into some gentleness of response. And I thought, oh G.o.d, if only I'd found her during the war, if only I'd run into her in the street in Leicester! And with the speed of the cinema-reeling imagination I saw how I might have met her, how she would have told me her marriage was a failure, or better still Ben would already have met a hero's death, and... I even got as far as composing my explanation to Clement before Hartley spoke again.

'You think it odd I'm so quiet. It's like a sort of peace. Sometimes I feel I haven't much further to go.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Sometimes I wish he would'

'Would what? Has he threatened you?'

'No, nothat wasn't what I was going to say.'

'What do you mean then? Look, you can't can't go back to him, I won't let you, even if you don't want to stay with me.' But what did I think I would do then, set her up in a flower shop? go back to him, I won't let you, even if you don't want to stay with me.' But what did I think I would do then, set her up in a flower shop?

'Hartley, you've got to stay with me and t.i.tus, it's your place. Apart from anything else, t.i.tus having come to me will confirm Ben's idea that he is my son.'

'Have you only just thought of that?'

'Oh, Hartley, darling, be gentle with me, don't be so sort of remote. Admit it, say it, you've never really loved anybody but me, you've come home at last. That night when I saw you in the car headlights you had come here here, you had to come. Say that you love me, say that it will be all right, that we'll be happy. Christ, don't you want to be happy at last and live with a man who loves you and is kind to you and believes what you say? Hartley, look at me. No, come in here, I don't know why we're sitting at this stupid table.'

I picked up the candle and pulled her into the little red room and drew the curtains. I sat in the armchair and wanted to take her on my knee, but she slipped to the floor at my feet and held on to my hand. I began very slowly and carefully to kiss her, then to caress her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. We were like children, adolescents. I felt for her a desire which was marvellously indistinguishable from pure love, reverent, strong, consumingly protective. And my desire was also that of a boy, incompetent, unskilled and humble. I did not know how to hold her or how to make her dry lips respond. Finally I got down on the floor too, manoeuvred her to lie full length beside me, and clasped her, peering awkwardly into her face.

'Hartley, you love me, don't you, don't you?'

'Oh yes but what does it mean?'

'We're close, we know each other.'

'Yes, it's strange, but in a way I do know you, and there isn't anyone else who's near me like that. I suppose it's just because we were young, and later you can't know people, or I couldn't.'