Hanging Hill Part 28

'I mean it.'

He sat on the bed, making the springs creak. 'You what?'

'I want it.'

He gave the sly grin he used to give her from the back of the audience, the one that made her sure the dirtiness in her was on the inside, deep, deep down, not something superficial she'd picked up from working in the club.

'You want what?'

She gritted her teeth.

'Say it. Say what you want.'

'I want you to f.u.c.k me.'

'Say, "Kelvin, I want you to f.u.c.k me."'

'I want you to f.u.c.k me, Kelvin.'

'No. Get it right. Say, "Kelvin, I really want you to f.u.c.k me." Lick your lips when you say it. Like you used to.'

She held his eyes. The trembling was starting under her ribs. 'Kelvin.' She put her tongue between her lips. Shakily moved it across them. 'I really want you to f.u.c.k me.'

He unlaced his boots and set them to one side. He stood and unsnapped the waterproof leggings, throwing them on to the floor. He unzipped his jeans and stepped out of them. He wasn't wearing anything underneath. No underwear. She could see his red t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and p.e.n.i.s dangling under the plaid s.h.i.+rt. He went to the dressing-table and sorted idly through the items on there. Please not a tennis ball. Please not that Please not a tennis ball. Please not that ... ...

He found instead a condom and split open the packet. She followed it with her eyes as he came back and sat on the bed. He wasn't stupid: he wouldn't leave a trace. It was what he'd done with Lorne.

He sat down on the bed and began fumbling with her trousers. She didn't move she couldn't. He got the zip undone and slid the jeans off, dragging her knickers with them. She kept her teeth clenched tight. Tried to shrink all her thoughts into a tight, hard knot in the centre of her mind. He pulled her sweater off over her head and dragged her bottom to the edge of the bed. Her feet clunked dully back on the floor. He knelt in front of her and put on the condom. 'Open your legs.'

The trembling under her ribs grew into a body-length spasm.

'Open your legs.'

She managed to get them a small way apart and he used his knees to move them further, then pulled her closer and pushed himself inside her. He watched her closely while he worked at her, eyes on her face. She clamped her teeth together, and kept her eyes locked hard on a b.u.t.ton on his breast pocket, holding them there, concentrating all the time on the tight place in her head. The feeling was coming back into her body now. She wished it wouldn't, she wished she could feel nothing. The blood from her nose ran down the back of her throat. The blood in Lorne's nose had congealed, blocked her nose. It had been what had killed her. What had Amy said in the barge? It seemed like an eternity ago. That rape was all about men and the way they secretly hated women?

Then, suddenly, it was over. He was finished. He pulled away from her and removed the condom. Tied it in a knot and dropped it on the floor. Then he sat on the bed next to her, almost companionably, reaching over, pus.h.i.+ng a hand up inside her T-s.h.i.+rt to ma.s.sage her breast. 'You liked that. Didn't you?'

She licked her lips. She could taste the blood. Salty, like sweat.

'I said did you enjoy that?'

She closed her eyes and nodded.

'Your nose is bleeding.'

She raised a shaky hand, still weak, and wiped it. Kelvin stood and went out. She opened her eyes and blinked at the empty room. The tennis ball The tennis ball, she thought. Now he's going to get the tennis ball Now he's going to get the tennis ball. But when he reappeared next to the bed he was holding a towel. He handed it to her. She tried to sit up but failed. He pulled her upright and she sat there with the towel pressed on her nose. The feeling was coming back to her legs now, p.r.i.c.king like pins and needles.

'I'd like to come back another time.'

'What? What did you say?'

Once, years ago, Zoe had interviewed a rape victim. The girl had said the same thing to her attacker she'd said afterwards, I really like you can we do this again? I really like you can we do this again? He'd believed her and instead of hurting her, had let her go. Zoe swallowed more blood. Repeated it, louder this time: 'I'd like to come back another time. For more.' He'd believed her and instead of hurting her, had let her go. Zoe swallowed more blood. Repeated it, louder this time: 'I'd like to come back another time. For more.'

He frowned, genuinely perplexed. 'You don't think I'm going to let you go not now do you?'

30.

It was Zoe's face that stopped Sally. She'd got halfway up Hanging Hill, gripping the steering-wheel so hard her hands were white, leaning forward and staring out of the windscreen. The turning to Lightpil House and Kelvin's cottage was up ahead but, as she indicated to turn, out of nowhere Zoe's expression popped into her head. It was when she'd been standing at the table in the kitchen the day before yesterday, talking about patterns and the way we all connected to each other.

Sally faltered. Her foot twitched on the accelerator. She tried to picture Zoe with a tin full of a dead man's teeth, driving into the countryside with them. To do what? Point the finger at someone innocent. She couldn't conjure up the image. Just couldn't. Clever as Zoe was, it wasn't how she'd deal with this. And then Sally had a memory of Kelvin Burford at nursery school all those years ago a fierce and st.u.r.dy little boy with the snot dried in crusts where he'd wiped it across his face, the feral sense of determination that stuck right out of his eyes whenever he looked at you.

As the turning to the gamekeeper's cottage came up to meet her, she flicked the indicator off. She let the car sail past it, continuing on along the main road. Scared as she was of Kelvin, she couldn't do something else this contorted. Whatever Steve said, she couldn't go on spoiling the pattern.

No. There had to be another way.

31.

'What's the matter?' Kelvin had brought a bottle of cider up from the kitchen. He was standing at the window that looked out to the side of the house, uns.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the bottle and pouring the contents into a cloudy gla.s.s. He lowered his chin and gave Zoe a long, measured look. 'What's the matter with you? You look weird.'

She lay in a curl against the bed head. She could no longer breathe through her nose: it had filled with compacted blood. Just like Lorne's had. She kept thinking about that pile of bodies in Iraq. She kept thinking that if Kelvin had seen things like that on a day-to-day basis then Lorne's death would have seemed like nothing.

All like her ... ...

He knew Lorne as a stripper or topless model. The same way he'd known Zoe. Neither of them would matter much to someone this insane. They'd be just links in the sequence. The superintendent had laughed, and said, 'You're telling us there's a pile of bodies somewhere?' but Kelvin wouldn't see any difference between a pile of dead women and a pile of dead Iraqi insurgents. And to fight it she had nothing. Clever, clever Zoe. Spiky and cold, yes, but you couldn't take the clever out of her. Except now. When she just couldn't find a clever solution to this.

'I'm ...' she began.

'What?' He looked up sharply. 'You're what?'

She hesitated. If she told him now she was police it could go either way. It could scare him into releasing her, or it could make him finish the job off even quicker.

'You're what?'

'I'm cold. Can I have my sweater back?'

He grabbed it from the floor and threw it at her, then sat down and drank the gla.s.s of cider in one gulp. He lit a cigarette and smoked for a while, his eyes on the wall, as if he was lost in thought. She clutched the sweater round her shoulders. Gave a small s.h.i.+ver. 'I have to go now.' Her voice was coming out a bit thick when she spoke, making her sound as though she was deaf. 'My husband's going to call the police he'll be worried about me. I want to see you again. I'll come back.'

'You've said that already.'

'I meant it.'

He poured more cider, screwed the lid on the bottle and raised the gla.s.s, as if he'd lost interest in her. She dropped her head back and breathed slowly through her mouth. She'd noticed in the last ten minutes that the window-frame was weak. Maybe maybe ...

'You made me angry.' Kelvin didn't turn to her. 'You made me angry and you made me do it. There's a line, you know.' He tapped the cider gla.s.s rhythmically. 'A clear line. And once you cross it, once you've stepped into that other world, you have to accept the consequences. You have to take special measures.'

'I'll come back.'

'Shut up. I'm thinking.'

She lay in silence, her eyes going from him back to the window-frame. Magpies sat in the branches of the tree outside, the way they had outside Lorne's house. She wanted to shout to them, tell them to fetch someone, as if they could help her. Kelvin drank some more. He pulled up a chair and put it next to the chest of drawers, sat with his elbows on it, as if it was a desk. Lit another cigarette.

'Can I have some water?'

He lowered his chin and turned his eyes to her, his face serious. 'What?'

'Water? I'm thirsty.'

'Are you?'

'Please?'

He shrugged, pushed the chair back. 'Did you like me f.u.c.king you?'

She clenched her teeth.

'I said did you like me f.u.c.king you?'

'Yes.'

He c.o.c.ked his head, cupped his hand to his ear.

'I liked it. Kelvin.'

'Good. Then I'll get you some water.' He got up. Halfway to the door he took a sudden sharp step towards her, his hands coming up as if he was going to attack. She jolted back into the headboard, her arms flying up to protect her face. Then she saw he was smiling. Cautiously, she lowered her hands. 'Don't be so jumpy.' He smiled. 'We'll get through this, babe.' He came back to the bed and squeezed her leg rea.s.suringly. 'We'll get through this together.'

32.

When he'd gone she worked fast. She pulled on her trousers, her sweater. No time for knickers. It seemed to take for ever to get the boots on to her numb feet. Downstairs Kelvin turned on the tap in the kitchen. The water pipes in the walls knocked and groaned. The condom she shoved into her back pocket. She'd been thinking hard. The frames between the panes in the french windows were fragile little more than beading holding the gla.s.s in: she'd be able to fit through the hole made by three frames in a vertical row. The moment the first pane went he'd hear, though, so she'd have to do it fast. Bam bam. Like the karate experts she'd once sat and watched in a j.a.panese park at dawn. Like Uma Thurman in the yellow jumpsuit in that film years ago.

From the balcony the drop was ten feet. If she didn't land well she could forget it her legs and feet were weak enough already without an injury and her only hope was to recover from the drop instantly and run straight into the forest before he could follow. Even when he had realized what the noise was it would take him time to get from the kitchen to the front of the house. The front door was locked he'd have to find the key or go out of the back and round the cottage before she had time to reach the far trees.

The sound of him opening and closing the fridge door came up clearly from the kitchen. She heard him filling a kettle doing what? Making tea for himself? He was so f.u.c.king calm that he was happily making tea, as if this was a normal Thursday for him. She flexed each muscle, checked it was working, wouldn't let her down. Then she linked her hands into the iron bed head to brace herself, lifted her right knee up to her chin and kicked. The gla.s.s broke instantly, falling outwards, tinkling on to the balcony. The cross brace above it needed a second thump. It splintered, taking the pane above with it. Another kick and the final pane toppled outwards from the frame. The hole was almost three foot deep.

Kelvin's footsteps were in the hallway; she heard him on the stairs, bellowing, 'b.i.t.c.h! b.i.t.c.h!'

Good. Coming upstairs would cost him more time. With the sleeve of her sweater pulled down over her hand, she punched out the remaining slivers of gla.s.s and pushed her feet through. Then her hips. She heard Kelvin in the room, shouting and swearing, but she was gone, over the railings of the balcony, slithering down until she was dangling underneath it.

'Do it,' she hissed, looking at the ground, which seemed a million miles from her feet. 'Do it.'

Through the broken window she saw him appear in the doorway, his face contorted with rage. She let go of the railings and dropped. She landed on the weed-cracked concrete, her ankle twisting painfully under her. She stumbled, her knees making awful cracking noises as they hit the ground. But she was OK. She pushed herself up and ran. Kelvin was yelling somewhere inside the house, throwing furniture around in his fury. She pictured a shotgun being chambered as she flung herself into the trees, heading aimlessly into the forest.

The trees didn't quite have their full summer growth on them, and she could see a long way ahead. She could see the zigzaggy green splash of lawns. Maybe the edge of the estate that neighboured Goldrab's. She pushed her wobbly legs on, breathing through her swollen mouth, cras.h.i.+ng through dead wood and leaves, waxy green carpets of wild garlic in the corners of her eyes. Eventually the wood gave out to a sweep of gra.s.s so clipped and green it could have been a golf course. Beyond it she saw a pale Cotswold chippings driveway and a spectacular stone mansion basking in the sun, with turrets and stone urns on the parapets. A Land Rover stood in the driveway. She ran to it and tugged at the doors locked continued, breathing hard now, past another car, past cold frames and a walled garden where white peonies and early roses grew, each neatly labelled. The front door had a huge old knocker a Jacob Marley and she hammered on it, the noise echoing through the house and out across the grounds. She glanced anxiously over her shoulder up the lawn. There was no sign of Kelvin in the trees.

'h.e.l.lo?' She opened the letterbox and yelled through it. 'Anyone home?'

No answer. She limped along the front of the house, catching sight of ta.s.selled curtains inside the leaded windows, her reflection moving across them hair all over the place, her nose swollen to twice its normal size. She rounded the corner and made her way past dustbins, a pile of sawn logs, two cans of oil. She hammered on the back door, put her hand up to shade her eyes and peered through the windows. She saw an elegant painted kitchen, a central island, an Aga. No lights or sound. She went back to the corner of the house, and as she did she saw him. Just a blur in the trees, his red and black s.h.i.+rt a patch of moving colour running down to the lawn with his arms out at his sides. She turned and began to head towards the front of the house, to the driveway that led to the road. Immediately she saw her mistake she'd be in the open on the driveway. She hesitated. There was a wheelie bin next to one of the dustbins. She opened it and looked inside. It was almost empty just one tied carrier bag of rubbish at the bottom and it was solidly placed against the wall. It didn't move as she swung in one leg, then the other, landing in the bottom, reaching above her head to pull the lid closed.

It was dark and warm in the bin. She couldn't hear anything outside, just the hot percussive in and out of her own panting bouncing off the plastic walls. She wiped the sweat off her forehead and carefully lifted the carrier bag to her knees, silently using her fingernails to slit a hole in the plastic. Inside were the remains of a kid's packed lunch a couple of squashed drinks packets, a screwed-up ball of silver foil with crumbs on it, a wad of napkins printed with blue dinosaurs and three baked-beans cans. She pulled the lid out of one of the cans and put it between her knees, crus.h.i.+ng with all her might until it folded into two. Then she reversed it and folded it again. She did it three times before it split along the folded edge. She held it against her fingertip sharp. It would work if she got the right angle.

Footsteps sounded on the gravel. Kelvin. She held her breath, raised the tin lid in both hands above her head. He went past getting so close she could hear his breathing, a raspy, deep-barrelled noise. He wasn't fit in spite of his job and his army background: the drink and the cigarettes had taken their toll. She could have outrun him, could have got to the road if she'd just had the confidence. She heard him go round the house twice, circling like a buzzard, pa.s.sing so close to the bin she felt his clothing brush it. Then his footsteps disappeared towards the road.

After a long time she dared to look out. The long, sun-baked drive led to two stone newels, the gates standing wide open. She was just in time to see him exit and stand in the lane, looking up, then back down the hill. He hesitated, then turned and began to walk in the direction of his cottage.

When she was sure he had gone, she clambered out of the bin. She stood for a moment, unpicking the wad of dinosaur napkins, then carefully cleaned out the inside of a second beans can. She rinsed it under the garden tap, dried it with the napkins, pulled the knotted condom out of her pocket and dropped it in. She secured it by wadding a couple of napkins on top. Then she rinsed her hands again, splashed some cold water on her face, and began to hobble down the driveway towards the road. It was early afternoon. The sun had just begun its long descent from the top of the sky.

33.

Sally sat at the open kitchen window, an untouched cup of coffee at her elbow, and stared out across the fields. The Caterpillar opposite Hanging Hill had its new leaves on, and the outline it cast against the midday sky was thick. One day it had been a line of skeletons, stretching their hands to the sky, and the next they'd fattened into trees. Just like that, summer was on its way.

She picked up the phone and looked at it. No messages, no texts. Steve had already gone to the gate for his flight home. She unfolded the wet wipes, now dry, and flattened them on the table, tracing her fingers across the words.

Evil b.i.t.c.h.

There was a way of dealing with this. There was. She just couldn't see it yet.

The doorbell rang and she sat bolt upright. She hadn't heard a car. There definitely hadn't been a car. Hurriedly she folded the tissues, went to the window and leaned out. Standing on the porch with her back to the window was a woman, filthy dirty and dressed in torn jeans, hair straggling down her back.

'h.e.l.lo?'

The woman turned, looked back at her without a word. Her face was bruised, her nose swollen; there was dried blood in her hair and on her face. Her eyes were dead black holes.

'Zoe?'

She shovelled the wipes into a drawer, slammed it closed, went into the hallway and unlocked the door. Zoe stood with one arm against the wall, her shoulders sagging, her head drooping. She gazed at Sally as if she was looking at her across a great, shattered expanse of desert. As if she'd found herself in a world so terrible that no one, no one, could ever adequately describe it.