Calling Me: Calling Me Back Part 1

Calling Me.

Calling Me Back.

Louise Bay.

Luke.

I wasn't a fan of weddings, especially when the only people I knew had their names on the invitation. I'd only met the bride and groom once, maybe twice. They were Emma's friends. Although Emma and I had been a couple for over three years, and even though we lived together, we still led quite separate social lives. I liked that independence from each other. I felt sorry for couples who couldn't do anything apart. If it had been up to me, I wouldn't have come to this wedding. Surely Emma wanted to spend the weekend catching up with old university friends. She didn't need me here. And while she was doing what made her happy, I could be hanging out with my friends and doing what made me happy.

"Aren't the flowers beautiful?" she whispered as the string quartet played a familiar tune to keep us occupied while the bride and groom disappeared to sign the register.

I glanced around the old stone church from our seats toward the back. Was anyone else cold? And what was that sweet, familiar scent lingering in the air? I hadn't noticed the flowers. I nodded as Emma glanced up at me. Weren't flowers always pretty? Did anyone go to a wedding and say the flowers were awful? I didn't share the thought with Emma. She was normally the more cynical of the two of us-part of the reason we worked so well, so maybe I was being unfair. The flowers were pretty.

The bride and groom beamed at each other as they reappeared and started the march back down the aisle. We all followed them back into the sun for the beginning of the endless photographs.

"They're using the same photographer as Julie and Tim," Emma said. "Their photos were fantastic, weren't they?"

I nodded and placed my hand on Emma's lower back, guiding her toward the tray of champagne. I took two gla.s.ses and handed one to her.

This was the third wedding we'd been to this year. Hopefully, this was the last of them. All my mates seemed to be getting married, and each time another engagement was announced, I did my best to offer my congratulations, but h.e.l.l if I could understand why they felt the urge to tie the knot. Marriage was such an outdated inst.i.tution, and it didn't seem to stop people splitting up. I really didn't see the point.

My parents had died when my sister and I were teenagers. Perhaps that was why all this pomp seemed so irrelevant. Life had proven to me that all good things came to an end and there were no happy endings. If there was any hope of me believing in the fairy tale, it died along with my parents. To me it was couples like them who deserved to have happily ever after. It was clear to everyone they'd been crazy about each other. We hated it as kids, of course, but looking back, their love for each other was what made our home so happy when we were young. If it hadn't worked out for them, what hope was there for the rest of us?

"To the last wedding of the season." I clicked my gla.s.s to Emma's.

"Try and be a bit more enthusiastic," she said with a frown.

"You can talk. You can't tell me you're enjoying this."

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? Everyone's happy and in love. It's beautiful."

Emma handed me her champagne, opened her bag, pulled out a tissue and began to dab at the corners of her eyes. Was she upset? She was one of the toughest girls I knew. I'd seen her cry three times since I'd known her.

I bent my head to her ear. "Are you okay?"

She looked up at me. "It was just such a beautiful ceremony, and they seem so happy."

I rubbed her lower back, and she leaned her head on my arm. I'd never have described Emma as sentimental, but apparently she was at weddings. I slipped my hand around her waist. It wasn't a move I was particularly familiar with. We weren't the kind of couple who needed to be touching all the time. Surprisingly, her arm slid under my suit jacket, but her tears didn't stop.

"Hey, babe, what's the matter?" I guided us to the side of the throng of people that were gathered to listen to the instructions of the photographer. I was sure she wouldn't want anyone to see her upset. When my sister got like this, it was normally a hormonal thing. I decided not to bring that up. I wasn't sure Emma'd take the suggestion well.

"It's just such a nice wedding," she said as we wandered toward a tree at the far edge of the lawn. "And I was just thinking that when we get married, ours should be just like this one."

I had to work hard to keep my breathing even, my pace consistent, my hand on her back. When we get married? Where had that thought come from? That wasn't who we were, and it certainly wasn't anything I'd thought was meant for us. I'd always thought we were on the same page about this stuff. I had to fight off the feeling of my blood thickening in my veins and crawling through my body. I wanted to tense, to stop, but I kept breathing, kept walking. Luckily for me, we were interrupted by a squeal, and as I turned, I saw a tiny girl in a short red dress running toward us with her arms outstretched, clearly excited to see Emma.

I took the opportunity to excuse myself to the bathroom and made my way back to the church where I could consider the bomb that had just been dropped. I scrubbed my face with my hands. Had she made that comment because she was a gla.s.s of champagne in, or had she really been considering our wedding?

I had just turned thirty. The last thing I was thinking about was marriage. I wasn't ready for that step, not now and maybe not ever. I didn't believe in forever. My parent's accident had proven there was no such thing. I didn't want to think about until death do you part. It seemed so depressing.

Maybe I had conveniently a.s.sumed that because it had never come up between us, Emma and I were on the same page when it came to getting married. We'd never actually spoken about it, so I'd thought she was happy with how things were. She had been the one who suggested living together. Like she'd said, it made sense-we could save on bills and mortgage payments. It had been so logical. But marriage? That wasn't logical-there was no sense to it. I had never been moving toward things being any different between us. Had she? The thought was like a short, sharp shock to my brain. My head began to throb in response.

In the bathroom, I let the tap run cold before I poured myself a drink of water. I watched my reflection in the mirror as I drank, my throat bobbing up and down as the liquid pa.s.sed through my body. I set aside the gla.s.s, grasped the counter and took another deep breath. I needed my body to return to normal, but I could still feel the thickness in my veins and the panic in my shortened breaths.

Ashleigh.

"I'm so glad you could make it," Haven said as she opened the door to her and her husband's apartment. "I've missed you at Sunday night dinner."

Haven and I had been best friends since we were two, and Sunday night dinner was our thing. But I'd not been for a few weeks. I'd been dating and, well, that was complicated.

"Where's Jake?" I didn't hear the sound of her husband clattering about in the kitchen.

"Study. They've had a breakthrough, apparently." She shrugged.

"So, how was your date with Richard?" Haven asked, wandering down the hall to the large, open-plan living s.p.a.ce that boasted cityscape views like a huge piece of art dominating the room.

I took a deep breath in, winded by the sight of London, the home I'd refused to leave when my parents left for Hong Kong when I was eighteen. "Good," I replied and took a seat at the breakfast bar while Haven busied herself preparing some wine.

"And? How was it?"

It was a loaded question. I'd been dating Richard a little less than three months, but last night was the first time I'd slept with him. Haven knew I'd planned to give it up last night.

"Yes, we had s.e.x," I said, jumping right to the part she was really asking about.

She turned from the fridge, waiting for me to expand on my revelation. "And?" she asked when I stayed silent.

I shrugged. "It was fine. It was just s.e.x."

"What was 'just s.e.x'?" I spun on my stool as Jake entered the room. He pulled me in for a hug and then looked at me as if he was expecting an answer.

"We need you to solve the world's energy crisis for about twenty minutes longer and then you can come out and have wine," Haven said to Jake.

"But I want to hear about the 'just s.e.x'," Jake said.

"I know, but so do I, and Ash will pretend to be coy until you leave." I laughed. "This is important girl stuff," Haven continued. "Give us twenty minutes and I'll make it up to you tonight." She winked at him and he grabbed her round the waist and kissed her neck. They were so happy together. Jake brought out the best in Haven and vice versa. They were what love was meant to be about-the real deal, not two people making do, no "there's n.o.body better so he'll do." I'd come to realize that love like theirs was more rare than the fairy tales had me believe.

"Enough," I said, covering my ears and closing my eyes.

"Okay, twenty minutes," Jake said, unwrapping himself from Haven and stalking back to the study.

Haven abandoned any pretense of dinner prep and brought over a bottle of wine and two gla.s.ses, placing them on the breakfast bar and then seating herself on the stool next to me.

Sunday night dinner was our family tradition. And family was what I considered Haven and her brother, Luke. Our close circle had expanded when Haven married Jake, bringing him and his sister, Beth, into the fold. Wine and gossip were essential components to the ritual.

"We have twenty minutes and we have a lot to talk about. So spill," Haven said.

"There's nothing much to say. I guess we've taken it to the next level." Unfortunately, the experience had been decidedly un-notable, but Richard was such a nice guy and he was so kind, it felt wrong to say that, to feel that. I wanted to like him. I wanted sleeping together to be explosive...but it hadn't been. It had been nice. But nice was good, right?

"But was it good? You said it was just s.e.x. That doesn't sound like good s.e.x." Haven's gaze skirted all over me as if I were going to start talking from somewhere other than my mouth.

"It was fine," I said, not quite knowing what to say. "I mean, I think it has potential."

"Oh G.o.d, was it that bad?"

"I didn't say it was bad," I replied. It just hadn't been amazing. "He's a great guy. And he really cares about me. First time s.e.x is never easy, especially if you're not hammered."

I envied Haven. She'd found the one. But most people didn't, did they? They certainly didn't find the love of their life twice-and I'd found mine a lifetime ago. Too bad the feeling had never been mutual. Still, I had no right to ask for the one twice. I needed to make peace with the fact that a nice guy was a good option-maybe the only option-for me.

The buzzer sounded and Haven slid off her chair to answer it. She answered the intercom and let Luke into the building then hovered at the entrance waiting for her brother to get to the door.

Luke.

I took a deep breath.

At any given moment, I could recall the exact second I fell in love with Luke. It was summer, and Haven, he and I were sitting under a magnolia tree in their parents' garden, jos.h.i.+ng and giggling. He'd turned to me and grinned, his smile wide-his perfectly white teeth made brighter by his golden skin-his hair floppy and in need of a cut. He'd raised his eyebrows at me and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. And that was it. A spell was cast. Even now, almost fifteen years later, my cheeks heated at the memory of that moment.

"Is Emma coming today?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't know if it was just me, but things always seemed easier when Luke's girlfriend wasn't here.

"I don't think so," Haven said as she turned to answer the door. "I guess we'll find out."

I let out a sigh of relief when I only heard Luke in the hallway.

Even after all these years of knowing him, I had to consciously remember to breathe when he walked into a room. Like some fantasy Viking, he was tall, blond and underneath his tight, golden skin, his muscles looked hard as wood. His sheer physical presence almost overwhelmed me for the first seconds I was around him. It was always as if he took up all the air, all the s.p.a.ce in the room-he was all I could see. I grinned as he walked in my direction.

"Hey, stranger, where have you been?" he asked as he pulled me out of my seat as if I were a doll and hugged me, his body coc.o.o.ning mine, squeezing me tight. "You smell good," he said.

I ignored his question. If Richard and I were to have a fighting chance, I had to get some distance from Luke. I needed to see someone else in the room. I'd come to the conclusion that if I kept comparing every man I met to my long-time love, I'd die alone, surrounded by cats. So I'd stepped back from spending so much time with him, and hadn't been coming to Sunday dinner as regularly.

"You look well," he said. I smiled, giddy from his proximity, concentrating on not making my grin too wide.

"It's all the 'just s.e.x'," Jake bellowed from behind us. We both spun around. "Now Luke's here, I can come out, right?" Jake asked.

Haven rolled her eyes as he grabbed two beers from the fridge and handed one to Luke.

"So what's this about s.e.x?" Luke asked, before taking a swig from his bottle.

"It's Ash and Richard, I think," Jake said, knocking his beer against Haven's and my gla.s.ses.

"Right, that's about as much as I want to know." Luke grimaced and Haven looked at me and rolled her eyes. I had always been like a little sister as far as Luke was concerned. There had never been any ambiguity for him.

Richard had asked me out a few times before I said yes. He was a doctor at the hospital where I was a nurse. Wasn't that the stuff of romance novels?

It was just that when Richard was close by, I didn't get the thudding in my chest that I had at the moment because Luke was less than a meter away from me.

"Can't you two go and catch up on the rugby or something?" Haven suggested.

I watched Luke's neck as his beer slid down his throat, my eyes following the invisible liquid down to the triangle of bare skin exposed by the open collar of his s.h.i.+rt. I forced myself to look away. How did he still have this effect on me after all these years?

Jake clasped Haven's face between his hands and pulled her toward him, kissing her pa.s.sionately, while she waved her arms about as if she was protesting. As if. He released her after a couple of seconds and wandered over to the other side of the room with Luke to watch the television, leaving Haven looking dazed and confused.

She grinned and rolled her eyes. "He's incorrigible."

I was delighted that she'd found such a great guy in Jake; she'd been unhappy for so long before him. I smiled and let out a steady breath as Luke's absence gave me more s.p.a.ce for my mind and body.

"Anyway, back to s.e.x with Richard. What's the deal?" she asked, turning to me and pulling me further away from my thoughts of Luke. Haven and I rarely talked about my feelings for Luke directly. As teenagers, we'd discussed it, but as adults, we skirted around it, aware of the volatility of the subject. I loved our world together-our bond, our shared experience-and I didn't want to destroy our family. I wanted to find someone special, someone who thought I was more than sister material. Haven had done it, and it had given me inspiration that I could, too.

There was no way Haven was going to give up on the subject of Richard. She wanted me to be happy even more than I did. "It was okay. It wasn't earth shattering. It wasn't awful." Richard was such a nice guy that I wanted it to be better, and with a little work, I was sure it could be.

She twisted her mouth as she considered my confession. "I think s.e.x can improve as a couple gets to know each other, and you held off a long time. Maybe it was too much pressure."

I nodded enthusiastically. "Exactly. So, we'll see." I desperately wanted her to be right, but I was worried Richard was too nice a guy. I wanted to be f.u.c.ked properly. I needed a guy who knew what he wanted-what I wanted-and made it all happen. Richard had been . . . careful.

"And he's so nice to you," Haven said.

"Exactly. He totally is." I was determined not to reject Richard just because he wasn't Luke. I'd been doing that for too many years.

I was ready for my happily ever after.

Luke.

I stayed at Haven's until she kicked me out at just gone midnight. Earlier in the evening, I'd offered to take Ash home, but she'd refused. I'd not seen much of her lately, and I could have done with a talk. I couldn't remember the last time it had just been her and me. We used to meet for lunch or after work sometimes, but it had been ages. When I'd hugged her h.e.l.lo earlier, I'd realized that it was her I could smell in the church the previous day. I'd never noticed the perfume that surrounded her, probably because she was just Ash scented to me.

I quietly opened the front door of the house Emma and I shared, trying to turn my key as slowly as possible in the lock, to avoid the overly loud clunk it made. It was late, and she had an early s.h.i.+ft the next morning at the hospital.

I didn't switch on any lights and quietly got undressed to my boxers and slid under the blankets.

"Hey," she said.

I'd been sure she would be asleep.

"Having trouble sleeping?" I asked.

She turned over to her side, facing me. "Yeah, a little. How was Sunday dinner?"

"Good. Everyone asked after you." It wasn't entirely true, or even slightly true, but I was sure they had meant to ask after her.

"That's nice," she replied.

I sighed and slid my hand behind my head, my eyes drawn to the light of the streetlamps bleeding into the room from the edges of our window blind. The atmosphere was thick with the unspoken words of a conversation we were about to have.

"Did you enjoy the wedding?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure." I'd deliberately avoided the subject since her tears during the photographs on Sat.u.r.day. "Haven cooked duck for dinner. We should try it sometime. It was good. She's turning into quite the chef."