Calling Me: Calling Me Back Part 5

I'd missed Ash this evening. It was never the same without her. Surely she would be back this evening from her weekend away? I pulled out my phone to message her.

Luke: Hey. Missed you at dinner tonight.

I scrolled through a few work emails, wondering if she'd message me back.

Ash: Good to know I'm missed.

I grinned at the screen. Of course she was missed.

Luke: Did you check your schedule? Can you make the awards dinner?

I was looking forward to that evening now I'd invited her. I hoped she wasn't working.

Ash: Yeah, I can make it. Richard's out that night too.

When had Richard being out become a factor in Ash's decision making? Maybe Haven was right and they were serious. My fingers hovered over the dial b.u.t.ton. I wanted to call and ask her what was going on, whether she was going to marry him. I mean, I was like a brother to her. I had a right to know, didn't I? But it wasn't just protectiveness I felt.

It was jealousy.

Of Richard.

Ashleigh "It's been amazing, hasn't it?" Richard said as he kissed me softly on the lips. We were putting our bags in the car, ready for the journey home from the Lake District.

I nodded. The weekend had been lovely, but not amazing. Richard had been kind, thoughtful and attentive as always. I had nothing to complain about. But I hadn't laughed as much as I normally did, hadn't been silly or . . . I just hadn't felt quite like myself.

"I always forget how beautiful it is up here," I said as I turned away from the car, back toward the view of the lake below me. The mountains jaggedly cut though the blue sky, and I took a deep breath full of mountain air. Before my parents moved to Hong Kong, we used to visit the Lake District quite regularly. Haven and Luke joined us once, before their parents died. Even when it rained, which was most of the time, it was incredible, magical and such a contrast to London. "Thank you for bringing me back."

"We'll have to come again. Maybe we'll have our honeymoon here. You never know," Richard said, grinning at me.

My stomach lurched at his suggestion, but I managed a small smile. It wasn't excitement that coursed through me. It was anxiety at the thought of a honeymoon with Richard, a life with Richard. He was such a great guy, and I knew that I was crazy with a capital C for not swooning at his suggestion. But as much as I tried, I wasn't as serious about our relations.h.i.+p as he was. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to fall for him. Part of me wondered whether I was just destined to be unhappy, or if I would choose the most difficult route to happiness and be bound for failure.

Richard opened the pa.s.senger door for me, and I got in, getting comfortable for the long drive.

"Have you got a busy week?" he asked as he started the engine.

I nodded. "Yeah, quite busy. I've got to study for my entrance exam, so the next few weeks will be brutal."

He glanced at me. "Sorry. What are you talking about? What entrance exam?"

"I told you that I was thinking about applying for an MBA program."

"No you didn't. Why do you want to do that?"

"I think it will be good. It'll help me if I want to head up nursing in a big hospital, or . . . I don't know. I might want a career change, to move into a more general healthcare role." I liked the challenge that an MBA provided, and it was increasingly common for nurses to get them. As much as I enjoyed my job and the contact I had with patients, I felt there was more I could do for people if I had an opportunity to influence policy within a hospital.

Richard didn't respond. He just stared out of the window at the road in front of us.

"You don't think it's a good idea?" I asked.

"I didn't think you were a career girl, that's all."

What did that mean? "What's a career girl?"

He frowned and looked in my direction, then back at the road. "Wouldn't you want to stay at home with your children?" he asked.

"Well, unless you know something I don't, I'm not pregnant. Anyway, I like working. I don't understand how a girl with a career is a bad thing."

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I think it's great that you've been to university, but motherhood is the most important job you can do."

"Like fatherhood?"

"Well, yes but it's different, isn't it?"

"Is it?"

"Well, apart from anything else, my earning potential is more than yours, so it makes more sense if either of us is to stay home that it would be you."

Were we really discussing what married life was going to be like for us? I wanted to undo the top b.u.t.ton of my s.h.i.+rt to relieve the tightness around my throat, but I was wearing a V-neck and it wasn't the collar that was creating the restriction.

"Who knows, maybe I'll end up earning more than you if I get my MBA."

"And is that what you want?"

"What? To have a successful and rewarding career? Sure. Isn't it what you want?"

"I know, but do you want that more than you want to have kids and be a stay-at-home mother?"

How were we having this conversation at the beginning of a five-hour car ride?

"I want to have kids and a career. I guess like you do."

Richard nodded but didn't reply.

Haven had been right. Richard wasn't the man for me. If I hadn't known before, how he saw our future together had solidified my feelings. Ultimately, if we didn't want the same things from life, then whether or not there was pa.s.sion between us didn't matter. It was a relief in a sense. It gave me a sensible reason for not wanting Richard. I didn't have to worry about whether or not I was prepared to give up pa.s.sion for a good guy, or that wanting someone who was my best friend, who made me laugh but also knew how to make my toes curl, was nave and ridiculous. These were concrete compatibility issues.

I would have to tell him. Sooner rather than later. It was clear that he was serious about us, and it wasn't fair to keep him thinking that I was too.

"Hey, you've ordered the wine, I see," I said to Haven as I reached the table. We were meeting at one of our favorite restaurants in London. It wasn't fancy, but the staff was friendly and the tapas amazing.

"You look really good," she replied.

"Thanks." I'd been home to change. I wanted to feel good tonight.

"The Lake District agreed with you then?"

I grinned. "Kind of. I always love going back, but Richard and I didn't work out."

"What do you mean?" She paused just before pouring my wine. I pointed at my gla.s.s. I needed a drink.

"I ended it with him last night. Things weren't right."

"Because of the s.e.x?"

"Yes and no. I think the s.e.x was just a metaphor for our lack of connection on a lot of levels. We wanted different things, and I couldn't be myself around him; he didn't make me laugh. I think I would have been less with him-certainly not been everything I could be."

"It sounds like you made the right decision. You need someone who will make you more, bring out all your colors."

I nodded.

"How did he take it?" she asked.

I wasn't sure how he'd taken it. One minute he'd been mentioning our honeymoon and being really attentive, but he'd barely reacted at all when we'd met the next day and I told him that I didn't think we were going to work out. "Okay, I think. Sometimes I thought he was really into me, and then other times I wasn't sure if it was me, or the idea of me he liked. I'm going to start Internet dating, I think," I said.

"So this isn't about Luke?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Ending things with Richard isn't because you still have a crush on Luke?" I looked over my shoulder to check who was around. The last thing I needed was Luke to be behind us.

"Haven, I've loved your brother a long time. I'm not sure that will ever change, but he's going to go off and have his two kids and picket fence with Emma. I'm pleased for him if that will make him happy. I just need to concentrate on what's going to make me happy."

She looked surprised. "You think you love him?"

"I know I do," I replied.

"I'm sorry," Haven said as she reached for my hand. "I didn't realize that you felt that strongly."

"It's fine. I've had a lot of time to get used to the fact that he doesn't feel the same way. If it hasn't happened by now, I know it's never going to." I took a deep breath. "I'm not saying I'm over him, or that I ever will be. I just know I have to make my world about more than him." Haven's eyes were gla.s.sy with tears. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," I said, squeezing her hand.

"No, I'm pleased you did. I'm sorry you haven't felt you can talk to me about this stuff."

I pulled my hand away. "He's your brother. I don't want to make it awkward for you. Anyway, now we don't need to talk about it again. I'm moving on. Dating Richard was good for me. I just need to find the right guy. Can we clone Jake? That would work for me."

"You know, with his science-y contacts and his money, that's a real possibility. I'll ask him. In the meantime, more wine?"

I nodded. "Oh yeah, and he has to adore me like Jake adores you."

"From what you were saying, Richard adored you."

"I think he liked me. I guess it's mutual adoration that I'm after."

"You know that Jake and I hated each other when we first met. It's not always love at first sight."

"I know, but I gave Richard three months. I mean, you know by then, don't you?"

The more distance I had from Luke, the better. I needed to stop comparing what I had with him, what I felt for him, to whomever I dated next. Maybe practice would make perfect.

Luke I wasn't going to leave it until Emma's deadline was up. Now I knew where we were going, it seemed unfair to string things out. Emma had the day off tomorrow, so I was going to tell her this evening. I'd texted her earlier in the day to suggest we talk when she got home from work, and she'd replied saying she'd be home at eight. I'd also called Haven and asked if I could spend a few days with them while I got myself sorted out.

My heart was thundering in my chest. All the pieces were in place-I just needed to pull the trigger. I wasn't sure if I'd be met with tears or anger. She'd been so unpredictable recently. Part of me thought that I was giving her the conclusion she was expecting, and that she would simply want me to leave. Then the other part of me feared for my man parts. I didn't want to be Bobbitted.

I'd packed a suitcase of things I'd need over the next few days, and I was just putting it behind the door in the spare room when I heard Emma's keys in the lock. This was it. I had to say it quickly, get it out and then see where we went from there.

I moved into the kitchen and pulled out two gla.s.ses from the cupboard. I'd bought a bottle of her favorite wine. Was that insensitive? Would she think I was going to propose? s.h.i.+t, maybe I hadn't thought this through. I didn't know what the right thing was. I didn't want her to be upset. I didn't want her to hate me. I wanted her to see that although I loved her, I just didn't want to marry her.

"Hey," she said softly as she came into the kitchen, taking off her coat. Her eyes went to the wine and the corners of her mouth twitched. s.h.i.+t, she thought it was good news. Her eyes flicked to mine and she stilled. I pa.s.sed her a gla.s.s of wine.

"How was work?" I asked.

"Fine. Someone threw up on me. You?"

My stomach was churning and I was conscious of my bones, as if my nervousness had penetrated right to my skeleton. "Okay," I said. She took her gla.s.s and collapsed on my sofa. I sat opposite her on the coffee table. I had to do this now, or I would lose my nerve. "I've thought about what you said." Her eyes were a mixture of fear and excitement, her knuckles white with her grip on the gla.s.s. "I've thought of little else since you brought it up, and it's not going to work out for us." The churning in my stomach was near overwhelming as I searched her face for a reaction. She was very still. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Do you need more time?" she asked in a quiet voice. It wasn't what I'd expected her to say. "I mean, I shouldn't have given you that deadline. If you're not ready, I can give you more time." Her words came more quickly and tears were forming in her eyes.

I leaned forward and took her hand. "You were right to push me. I'd not thought about it, and I should have done. I should have understood how you felt about our future together and I didn't. I'm sorry." I'd been selfish. I'd wanted to freeze time and live in that exact moment for the rest of my life, because if that were possible then I didn't have to lose anything or anyone.

After my parents died, for months, I'd kept imagining the last time I'd seen them, the last time I'd hugged them, the last time I'd told them I loved them. I wanted to remember those moments as perfect. I did it so often that the pictures in my head had become distorted, and I couldn't separate out what really happened from what I had invented. In my own life, I'd clung to everything around me, afraid to lose anything, not questioning whether or not I really wanted those things.

It was time to grow up and move on.

"And you don't want to marry me?" she asked, her voice wobbling on the word "me". s.h.i.+t, how did I make this better?

I took her hand and squeezed it. "I love you. You are amazing. You're bright and kind and all the things any guy would be lucky to have in a wife." Her tears spilled over and down her cheeks.

"But not enough for you?"

"I just don't want to get married. Not yet, maybe not ever. I don't see myself with kids. You do and that's fine. I want that for you but-"

"I'll wait. I can give you a year and see if you feel differently." She sounded so sad, and I hated that I caused it.

I shook my head. It would be easy at this point to agree to an extra year. It would keep everything just the same. But I couldn't do that to her. I wanted her to have the future she imagined for herself, and I would never be able to give her that.

"I won't do that to you," I said as I squeezed her hand. "I can't."

"I don't mind. I'll wait. I shouldn't have pushed-I knew you weren't ready. Please Luke, don't leave me."

A month ago, I never would have thought that we'd have this conversation. I thought we were happy. We had a relations.h.i.+p I enjoyed because we gave each other so much freedom. And I loved her. I really did. But now she was offering me this extra time, which I knew I couldn't take because it wasn't fair on her. But ultimately, I didn't want it. I wanted to move on. The churning in my stomach was no longer about the impact this conversation was having on me but what it was doing to Emma. I was ready for a different future.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think anything will change for me. I'm sorry," I said.

She took a sharp intake of breath and narrowed her eyes. "Is there someone else?"

"Of course not." How could she think that? "I've never cheated on you or anyone."

"Not with Ash?"

My stomach twisted. Did she think there was something between us? My feelings about Ash and Richard had confused me, but I hadn't reached a conclusion about why. "Not anyone."