Andy Rooney_ 60 Years Of Wisdom And Wit Part 4

Rooney: And . . . fish.

Valenza: You had the fresh filet of sole filled with a mousse of salmon with a crayfish sauce. And then we had a little sherbet to cleanse the palate. Then, the main course, I believe you had the . . .

Rooney: The rack of lamb.

Valenza: Rack of lamb that was roasted with fresh aromatic herbs and naturel au jus. And for dessert, a little chocolate truffle. It's ice cream mixed with pastry cream. It's dipped in a very rich chocolate with little nuts and then we put it in the freezer.

Rooney: Do you get people in here ever who are surprised at the cost?

Valenza: Once in a while. Sat.u.r.day night a lady came by and asked the price and I told her and she said, "I'm coming back with a boyfriend. I'm going to get a rich boyfriend to take me in." They came down and made a reservation. They sat down. The gentleman opened the menu and there was the price and he jumped up.

He said, "Well, I just ate dinner and I thought this was just an aftertheater snack." And we said, "Thank you, maybe another day." And the lady winked at me and she said, "Well, we'll try again."

Rooney (to camera): The surprising thing about the Palace is how good it is. The food is excellent. As a matter of fact, I plan to come over here real often . . . and bring the kids.

Two of the best lunches I ever had, I ate standing up . . . and within an hour of each other. Both places serve the same thing, oysters. Felix's is on Iberville Street in New Orleans and the Acme Oyster House is right across from it.

Every restaurant has its own way of doing things and if you don't know what it is, it's easy to look dumb the first time you go in a place.

Rooney: What is the difference between the ones that are three dollars a dozen and the ones that are two-seventy-five?

Man (cutting oysters open): . . . table.

Rooney: Oh, the table. If I eat them at the table, they're more? Are some of them harder to open than others?

Man: Some of them are hard, some of them's easy.

Rooney: But they're alive until you open them, is that right?

Man: Yes, sir.

Rooney: You mean I just ate a dozen live oysters?

It's always hard to find a good place to eat when you're driving in an unfamiliar part of the country, particularly if there are three or four people in the car who don't agree where you're going to eat. You get to one place and it looks fair but you decide to pa.s.s it up. You drive ten miles and you wish you'd stopped there, usually.

The trouble with most country inns is the same thing that's wrong with so many restaurants. They're fake, an imitation of the real thing.

The food in most country inns now comes from the city . . . frozen.

Being good at picking a place to eat is a matter of experience . . . prejudice acquired over years of eating out. Deciding which restaurant not not to go to is important. . . . There are little things you look for. to go to is important. . . . There are little things you look for.

I have as many as fifty little reasons for steering clear of certain places. Just for example: * I am very suspicious of a restaurant that says it is Polynesian and has flaming torches outside.

* If a Chinese restaurant serves chop suey and chow mein, I a.s.sume that it isn't very good . . . or very Chinese.

* Cute names on restaurants, such as Dew Drop Inn, suggest that the owners aren't very serious about their food. Watch out for places named after a new movie.

* Places that advertise "Home Cooking" don't interest me. If I want home cooking, I'll eat at home.

* And I'm put off if there's a sign in the window saying "open." Restaurants with open signs usually leave them there even when they're closed.

* I'm not attracted to an establishment that puts more emphasis on liquor than on food.

* Usually I avoid a restaurant located in a shopping center.

* And if a restaurant is connected with a bowling alley, it isn't where I'm going to spend my money for food.

* I don't eat where there's music, either. Sometimes two things that are great by themselves are ruined when mixed. Food and entertainment are best kept apart.

* It's hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that thinks it has enough help without going to one with a sign in the window advertising for waiters.

* And when I stay in a hotel or a motel, I never eat in the restaurant attached to it unless it's snowing.

There are just as many things that attract me to a restaurant: * I'm a sucker for a place bearing the first name of the owner. If it's called "Joe's," I go in.

* I'm attracted to a restaurant that has a menu written with chalk on a slate.

* And to me, a real sign of cla.s.s is a restaurant that refuses to accept credit cards.

If you've always thought of a menu as just a list of the food a restaurant serves, you're wrong. Menus are a big business by themselves and a lot of restaurants spend a fortune making theirs look good.

We went down to a studio one day when they were filming a new cover for a Howard Johnson menu. The food was fixed in a kitchen near the studio. They try to be honest about it . . . but nothing ever looks smaller smaller in the picture on the menu. For instance, they weigh the meat all right, but then they barely cook it so it doesn't shrink. in the picture on the menu. For instance, they weigh the meat all right, but then they barely cook it so it doesn't shrink.

In the course of doing this report, we've looked through and collected several hundred menus. You can tell a lot about a restaurant from a quick look at its menu . . . even from the outside of it. For instance, if there's a ta.s.sel on the menu, you can add a couple of dollars per person.

Here's the Captain's Seafood Platter. The trouble with a restaurant called the Captain's Seafood Platter in Kansas City is that all the fish comes frozen, and by the time it's cooked in hot fat, you can't tell the oysters from the French fries.

The Lion's Paw . . . "Homemade Cheesecake." You always wonder whose home they mean it was made in.

Don Neal's Mr. T-Bone. He's a musician, I guess. This is the kind of a menu that's so cute you can hardly tell what they have to eat. "Rhapsody of Beef " . . . Roast Top Sirloin. "Symphony of the Deep" . . . Baked Lake Superior Whitefish. "Taste Buds in Concert" . . . Breast of Chicken Almondine.

Here's a place called the Bali Hai, a Polynesian restaurant. The "PuPu Platter," they have. "Shrimp Pago Pago." I never know about the drinks in a place like this. Here's one called "Scorpion Bowl." I hate drinking from a gla.s.s with a naked girl on it.

This is a Spanish restaurant, La Corrida. Picture of a bullfight. They've just killed the bull, I guess.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I hate being reminded of the animals I'm eating. I'll eat almost anything, too, but there are a few things I'm narrow-minded about. Rabbit I don't eat, tripe, calves' brains, snails. I know I'm wrong, but I just don't eat them.

Karson's Inn in Historic Canton. This is one of those menus that tell you more about a town than you want to know. "Welcome to Karson's Inn in Historic Canton. . . . " It goes on and tells you all about how interesting Canton is.

Here's one from Troggio's in New Castle, Pennsylvania. This one tells you about how interesting New Castle is.

This is the Lamplighter, a family restaurant. It's one of those where they tell you about the family. "For over 50 years the Ferri Family has enjoyed serving the finest food to nice people like you. . . . " They like me.

This is another one: the Presuttis'. Mama and Poppa Presutti are on the cover there. And, yep, they tell you about the Presuttis here. "In 1933, Mr. and Mrs. S. Presutti converted their home into a restaurant." It goes on. You know, fine, but what have they got to eat?

This is something called the Shalako. It's one of those menus with a lot of writing in it. I always figure if I wanted to read, I'd go to a library. It says, "The Shalako is the most important religious ceremony performed by the Zuni Indians." And it goes on for three pages. You can imagine a waiter standing there while you read this history of the Zuni Indians.

Here's a place called the Parlour. I wonder where this is? Oh, there is no doubt where this is: "It is dusk in St. Paul. Sunset's fading light reflects a red ribbon on the meandering Mississippi River. The skyline is silhouetted against the blue-gray haze."

A menu.

We had a not particularly reliable survey made of menus and we have the results for you. According to the count we made, the most used words on menus were these, in order of frequency: 1 . "Freshly"

2. "Tender"

3. "Mouth-Watering"

4. "Succulent"

5. "On a Bed of "

6. "Tangy" "Tangy"

7. "Hearty"

8. "Luscious"

9. "To Your Liking"

10. "Topped with"

11. "Savory"

12. "Tempting" and "Delicious" (Tie) 13. "Surrounded by"

14. "Golden Brown"

15. "By Our Chef "

16. "Seasoned to Perfection"

17. "Choice Morsels of "

18. "Delicately" and "Thick" (Tie) 19. "Crisp"

20. "Not Responsible for Personal Property"

"Freshly" was far and away the first.

"Savory," Number 11, was interesting. Actually, on menus where the dinner was more than $7.50, it was usually spelled with a "u." s-a-vo-u-r-y.

"Surrounded by." "Surrounded by" and "On a Bed of " are a lot the same, but "On a Bed of " actually beat out "Surrounded by."

"Golden Brown." Almost everything is "Golden Brown." Sometimes the lettuce is golden brown.

"By Our Chef." Even places that don't have a chef say "By Our Chef."

"Seasoned to Perfection." "Choice Morsels of." "Delicately" and "Thick" were tied for 18. Number 19 was "Crisp." And Number 20 on our list of most used words was "Not Responsible for Personal Property."

Wine menus. Last year was a very good year for wine menus.

Anyone who orders wine in a restaurant always wonders how much the same bottle would cost him in a liquor store. We thought we'd find out.

Rooney (in liquor store): What's the price of the Chauvenet Red Cap? Liquor-Store Owner: Six-ninety-nine.

Rooney (from menu): Chauvenet Red Cap . . . twenty dollars a bottle.

This is at the restaurant called the Michaelangelo. Let's see. Liebfraumilch, Blue Nun . . . ten dollars. (To liquor-store owner) What do you get for Blue Nun?

Owner: Three-eighty-nine.

Rooney (from menu): Mouton Cadet Rothschild, 1970 . . . twelve dollars. (To liquor-store owner) This Mouton Cadet. What do you get for that?

Owner: Three-ninety-nine.

Rooney: You don't lose any money on that, either.

Owner: No.

Rooney (from menu): Chateau Malijay . . . six-forty-five.

Owner: That's a Cote du Rhone . . . one-ninety-nine.

Rooney (from menu): Here's a bottle of Pouilly-Fume de la Doucette, 1971 . . . eighteen dollars. (To store owner) What do you get for that?

Owner: La Doucette, Pouilly-Fume . . . We sell it for six-ninety-nine.

Rooney (from menu): This is a restaurant in Las Vegas. Here the Lancers Rose is eleven dollars. (To store owner) Lancers Vin Rose?

Owner: Lancers sells for four-twenty-nine.

Rooney: I always thought this was the kind of a wine where the bottle was worth more than the drink. I guess you wouldn't want to comment on that?

Owner: No. I'd rather not.

Everyone complains about wine sn.o.bs. Sn.o.bs of every kind have a bad reputation in America. No one understands that it's the sn.o.bs who set the standards of excellence in the world. There are art sn.o.bs, literary sn.o.bs, music sn.o.bs, and in every case it's the sn.o.bs who sneer at mediocrity. The gourmets are the food sn.o.bs. Without them we'd all be eating peanut-b.u.t.ter sandwiches.

Like the gourmets, wine sn.o.bs know what they're talking about. So if you're going to drink wine, get to know something about it. Be prepared to pay too much for a bottle of wine. Be your own wine sn.o.b . . . it's part of the fun.

A good rule of thumb is, if you can afford a wine, don't buy it. I went to the National Restaurant a.s.sociation Convention in Chicago and everywhere I wandered someone was pus.h.i.+ng food or drink at me.

Everyone who sells anything to restaurants had an exhibit, so there were garbage cans . . . corn cookers . . . can openers . . . wall decorations . . . seating arrangements . . . and devices to keep bartenders from stealing.

Restaurants sell 20 percent of all the food eaten in the United States. They are first in the number of retail business places. In other words, there are more restaurants than any other kind of store. We did a lot of poking around at the convention and we got a frightening look at what some restaurants are going to be feeding us.

1st Exhibitor: Well, this is a soy protein with about 60 percent protein and it goes into . . .

Rooney: What does it do?