Our Deportment Part 32

Always express your own opinions with modesty, and, if called upon, defend them, but without that warmth which may lead to hard feelings. Do not enter into argument. Having spoken your mind, and thus shown you are not cowardly in your beliefs and opinions, drop the subject and lead to some other topic. There is seldom any profit in idle discussion.

SINGING AND PLAYING IN SOCIETY.

A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play: but being requested to do so, if she intends to comply, she should do so at once, without waiting to be urged. If she refuses, she should do so in a manner that shall make her decision final. Having complied, she should not monopolize the evening with her performances, but make room for others.

RECEIVING AND MAKING PRESENTS.

Emerson says: "Our tokens of love are for the most part barbarous, cold and lifeless, because they do not represent our life. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Therefore let the farmer give his corn; the miner his gem; the sailor coral or sh.e.l.ls; the painter his picture, and the poet his poem." To persons of refined nature, whatever the friend creates takes added value as part of themselves--part of their lives, as it were, having gone into it. People of the highest rank, abroad, will often accept, with grat.i.tude, a bit of embroidery done by a friend, a poem inscribed to them by an author; a painting executed by some artist; who would not care for the most expensive bauble that was offered them.

Mere costliness does not const.i.tute the soul of a present; it is the kind feeling that it manifests which gives it its value. People who possess n.o.ble natures do not make gifts where they feel neither affection nor respect, but their gifts are bestowed out of the fullness of kind hearts.

A present should be acknowledged without delay, but you must not follow it quickly by a return. It is to be taken for granted that a gift is intended to afford pleasure to the recipient, not to be regarded as a question of investment or exchange. Never allude to a present you have given, unless you have reason to believe that it has not been received by the person to whom it was sent.

Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to them, nor indebted to them for some marked favors. A married lady may accept presents from a gentleman who is indebted to her for hospitality.

In presenting a book to a friend, do not write in it the name of the person to whom it is given. But this is a rule better honored in its breach than in its observance, when the giver of the book is its author.

Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman, should be in the name of both herself and her husband.

Never refuse a present if offered in kindness, unless the circ.u.mstances are such that you cannot, with propriety, receive it. Nor, in receiving a present, make such comments as would seem to indicate that your friend cannot afford to make the present. On the other hand, never make a present which you cannot afford to make. In that case the recipient, if he or she knows anything of your circ.u.mstances, will think that you had better kept it yourself.

GOVERNING OUR MOODS.

We should subdue our gloomy moods before we enter society. To look pleasantly and to speak kindly is a duty we owe to others. Neither should we afflict them with any dismal account of our health, state of mind or outward circ.u.mstances. Nevertheless, if another makes us the confidant of his woes, we should strive to appear sympathetic, and if possible help him to be stronger under them. A lady who shows by act, or expresses in plain, curt words, that the visit of another is unwelcome, may perhaps pride herself upon being no hypocrite. But she is, in reality, worse. She is grossly selfish. Courtesy requires her, for the time being, to forget her own feelings, and remember those of her visitor, and thus it is her duty to make that visitor happy while she remains.

A LADY DRIVING WITH A GENTLEMAN.

When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her phaeton, he should walk to her house, if he accepts the invitation, unless, the distance being great, she should propose to call for him. In that case he will be on the watch, so as not to keep her waiting, and, if possible, meet her on the way.

AN INVITATION CANNOT BE RECALLED.

An invitation, once given, cannot be recalled, even from the best motives, without subjecting the one who recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or regardless of all conventional rules of politeness. There is but one exception to this rule, and that is when the invitation has been delivered to the wrong person.

AVOID TALKING OF PERSONALITIES.

Avoid speaking of your birth, your travels and of all personal matters, to those who may misunderstand you, and consider it boasting. When induced to speak of them, do not dwell too long upon them, and do not speak boastfully.

ABOUT PERSONS' NAMES.

Do not speak of absent persons, who are not relatives or intimate friends, by their Christian names or surnames, but always as Mr. ----, or Mrs. ----, or Miss ----. Never name anyone by the first letter of his name, as "Mr. C." Give a foreigner his name in full when speaking of him.

SHUN GOSSIP AND TALE-BEARING.

Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal confession either of malice or imbecility. The young of both s.e.xes should not only shun these things, but, by the most thorough culture, relieve themselves from all temptation in that direction.

REMOVING THE HAT.

A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman instinctively removes his hat as soon as he enters a room, the habitual resort of ladies. A gentleman never retains his hat in a theatre or other place of public entertainment.

TREATMENT OF INFERIORS.

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an equal.

INTRUDING ON PRIVACY.

Never enter a private room anywhere without knocking. Sacredly respect the private property of others, and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into letters, desks, packets, trunks, or other belongings of another. It is ill-mannered to read a written paper lying upon a table or desk; whatever it may be, it is certainly no business of yours. No person should ever look over the shoulder of another who is reading or writing.

You must not question a servant or child upon family affairs. Never betray an implied confidence, even if you have not been bound to secrecy.

KEEPING ENGAGEMENTS.

Nothing is more rude than to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make, carry a little memorandum book, and enter them there.

VALUE OF POLITENESS.

Chesterfield says: "As learning, honor and virtue are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness and good-breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are above the generality of the world, who neither possess them themselves, nor judge of them rightly in others; but all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing."

ADAPTING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Conform your conduct as far as possible to the company you chance to be with, only do not throw yourself into improper company. It is better even to laugh at and join in with vulgarity, so that it do not degenerate into indecency, than to set yourself up as better, and better-mannered than those with whom you may chance to be a.s.sociated.

True politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit but absolutely demand a temporary violation of the ordinary obligations of etiquette.

A WOMAN'S GOOD NAME.

Let no man speak a word against a woman at any time, or mention a woman's name in any company where it should not be spoken. "Civility,"

says Lord Chesterfield, "is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their s.e.x, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours."

DO NOT CONTRADICT.

Never directly contradict anyone. Say, "I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed," or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant it is better to let it pa.s.s without correction.

EXPRESSING UNFAVORABLE OPINIONS.