Dinner At The Homesick Restaurant Part 14

She remembers when Cody first showed her this place. "Imagine what can be done with it, Mother. Picture the possibilities," he said. He was planning to marry and raise a family here-provide her with lots of grandchildren. He even kept the livestock on, paying Jared Peers to tend it till Cody moved in.

That was years ago, though, and all that remains of those animals now is a couple of ragged hens gone wild, clucking in the mulberry tree out behind the barn.

She has a key to the warped rear door but it isn't needed. The padlock's missing and the rusted hasp hangs open. "Not again," she says. She turns the k.n.o.b and enters, warily. (One of these days, she'll surprise someone and get her head blown off for her trouble.) The kitchen smells stale and cold, even in the heat of the day. There's a fly buzzing over the table, a rust spot smearing the back of the sink, a single tatter of cloudy plastic curtain trailing next to the window. The linoleum's worn patternless near the counters.

Ezra follows, burdened with household supplies. He sets them down and stands wiping his face on the sleeve of his work s.h.i.+rt. More than once he's told her he fails to see the use of this: cleaning up only to clean again, the next time they come out. What's the purpose, he wants to know. Why go to all this trouble, what does she have in mind? But he's an obliging man, and when she insists, he says no more. He runs his fingers through his hair, which the sweat has turned a dark, streaked yellow. He tests the kitchen faucet. First it explodes and then it yields a coppery trickle of water.

There are half a dozen empty bottles lying on the floor-Wild Turkey, Old Crow, Southern Comfort. "Look! And look," says Pearl. She nudges a Marlboro pack with her toe. She sc.r.a.pes at a scorch on the table. She discreetly looks away while Ezra hooks an unmentionable rubber something with the broom handle and drops it into the trash bag.

"Cody," she used to say, "you could hire a man to come and haul this furniture off to the dump. Surely you don't want it for yourself. Cody, there's a Sunday suit in the bedroom closet. There are shoes at the top of the cellar stairs-chunky, muddy old garden shoes. You ought to hire a man to come haul them for you." But Cody paid no attention-he was hardly ever there. He was mostly in New York; and privately, Pearl had expected that that was where he would stay. Which of those girlfriends of his would agree to a life in the country? "You'd just better watch out who you marry," she had told him. "None of your dates that I've I've met would do-those black-haired, flashy, beauty-queen types." met would do-those black-haired, flashy, beauty-queen types."

But if only he'd married one of them! If only he'd been satisfied with that! Instead, one afternoon Ezra had come into the kitchen, had stood there looking sick. "What's wrong?" she'd asked. She knew it was something. "Ezra? Why aren't you at work?"

"It's Cody," he said.

"Cody?"

She clutched at her chest, picturing him dead-her most difficult, most distant child, and now she would never have the answer to him.

But Ezra said, "He's gone off to get married."

"Oh, married," she said, and she dropped her hand. "Well? Who to?"

"To Ruth," he said.

"Your Ruth?" Ruth?"

"My Ruth."

"Oh, sweetheart," she said.

Not that she hadn't had some inkling. She had seen it coming for weeks, she believed, though she hadn't exactly seen marriage-more likely a fling, a flirtation, another of Cody's teases. Should she have hinted to Ezra? He wouldn't have listened. He was so gullible, and so much in love. Ruth was the center of his world, for some reason. And anyway, who would have thought that Cody would let it get so serious? "He's just doing it to be mean, sweetheart," she told Ezra. She was right, too, as she'd been right the other times she'd said it-oh, those other times! Those inconsequential spats, those childhood quarrels, arguments, practical jokes! "Cody, stop it this instant," she used to tell him. "You think I don't see what you're up to? Let your poor brother alone. Ezra, pay no mind. He's only being mean." Back then, Ezra had listened and nodded, hoping to believe her; he had doted on his older brother. But now he said, "What does it matter why he did it? He did it, that's all. He stole her away."

"If she could be stolen, honey, why, you don't want her anyhow."

Ezra just looked at her-bleak faced, grim, a walking ache of a man. She knew how he felt. Hadn't she been through it? She remembered from when her husband left-a wound, she'd been, a deep, hollow hole, surrounded by shreds of her former self.

She sweeps all the trash to the center of the floor, collects the bottles and the cigarette packs. Meanwhile, Ezra tapes squares of cardboard to the broken windowpanes. He works steadily, doggedly. She looks up once and sees how the sweat has made an eagle-shaped stain across his back. There are other cardboard squares on other panes, broken earlier. In a few more seasons, it occurs to her, they'll be working in the dark. It's as if they're sealing themselves in, windowpane by windowpane.

When Cody came back with Ruth, after the honeymoon, he was better-looking than ever, sleek and dark and well dressed, but Ruth was her same homely self: a little muskrat of a girl with wickety red hair and freckles, her skin that tissue-thin kind subject to lip sores and pink splotches, her twiggish body awkward in a matronly brown suit that must have been bought especially for this occasion. (Though Pearl was to find, in later years, that all Ruth's clothes struck her that way; nothing ever seemed as natural as those little-boy dungarees she used to wear with Ezra.) Pearl watched the two of them sharply, closely, anxious to come to some conclusion about their marriage, but they gave away no secrets. Ruth sat pressing her palms together; Cody kept his arm across the back of the couch, not touching her but claiming her, at least. He talked at length about the farm. They were heading out there directly, settling in that night. It was too late for sowing a garden but at least they could clean the place up, begin to make plans for next spring. Ruth was going to get started on that while Cody went back to New York. Ruth nodded at this, and cleared her throat and fumbled with the pocket of her suit jacket. Pearl thought she was reaching for one of her little cigars, but after a moment she stopped fumbling and placed her palms together again. And in fact, Pearl never saw her smoke another one of those cigars.

Then Ezra arrived-not whistling, oddly quiet, as he'd been since Ruth had left. He stopped inside the door and looked at them. "Ezra," Cody said easily, and Ruth stood up and held out her hand. She seemed frightened. This made Pearl like her, a little. (Ruth, at least, recognized the magnitude of what they'd done.) "How you doing, Ezra," Ruth said, quavering. And Ezra had said...oh, something or other, he'd managed something; and stood around a while s.h.i.+fting from foot to foot and answering their small talk. So it looked, on the surface, as if they might eventually smooth things over. Yes, after all, this choosing of mates was such a small, brief stage in a family's history.

But Ezra no longer played tunes on his recorder, and he continued to look limp and beaten, and he went to bed every night with no more than a "Good night, Mother." She grieved for him. She longed to say, "Ezra, believe me, she's nothing! You're worth a dozen Ruth Spiveys! A dozen of both of them, to be frank, even if Cody is is my son..." Though of course she loved Cody dearly. But from infancy, he had batted her away; and his sister had been so evasive, somehow; so whom did that leave but Ezra? Ezra was all she had. He was the only one who would let her in. Sometimes, in his childhood, she had worried that he would die young-one of life's ironic twists, to take what you valued most. She had watched him trudging down the street to school, his duck-yellow head bowed in thought, and she would have a sudden presentiment that this was the last she would see of him. Then when he returned, full of news about friends and ball games, how solid, how commonplace-even how irritating-he seemed! And sometimes, long ago when he was small, he might climb up into her lap and place his thin little arms around her neck, and she would drink in his smell of warm biscuits and think, "Really, this is what it's all about. This is what I'm alive for." Then, reluctantly, she allowed him to slip away again. (They claimed she was possessive, pushy. Little did they know.) As a child, he'd had a chirpy style of talking that was so cheerful, ringing through the house like a trill of water...when had that begun to change? As an older boy he grew shy and withdrawn, gazing out of s.h.i.+ning gray eyes and saying next to nothing. She'd worried when he didn't date. "Wouldn't you like to bring someone home? Ask someone to Sunday dinner?" He shook his head, tongue-tied. He blushed and lowered his long lashes. Pearl wondered, seeing the blush, whether he thought much about girls and such as that. His father had left by then and Cody was no help, three years older, off tomcatting someplace or other. Then as a man, Ezra was...well, to be honest, he was not much different from when he was a boy. In a way, he was an my son..." Though of course she loved Cody dearly. But from infancy, he had batted her away; and his sister had been so evasive, somehow; so whom did that leave but Ezra? Ezra was all she had. He was the only one who would let her in. Sometimes, in his childhood, she had worried that he would die young-one of life's ironic twists, to take what you valued most. She had watched him trudging down the street to school, his duck-yellow head bowed in thought, and she would have a sudden presentiment that this was the last she would see of him. Then when he returned, full of news about friends and ball games, how solid, how commonplace-even how irritating-he seemed! And sometimes, long ago when he was small, he might climb up into her lap and place his thin little arms around her neck, and she would drink in his smell of warm biscuits and think, "Really, this is what it's all about. This is what I'm alive for." Then, reluctantly, she allowed him to slip away again. (They claimed she was possessive, pushy. Little did they know.) As a child, he'd had a chirpy style of talking that was so cheerful, ringing through the house like a trill of water...when had that begun to change? As an older boy he grew shy and withdrawn, gazing out of s.h.i.+ning gray eyes and saying next to nothing. She'd worried when he didn't date. "Wouldn't you like to bring someone home? Ask someone to Sunday dinner?" He shook his head, tongue-tied. He blushed and lowered his long lashes. Pearl wondered, seeing the blush, whether he thought much about girls and such as that. His father had left by then and Cody was no help, three years older, off tomcatting someplace or other. Then as a man, Ezra was...well, to be honest, he was not much different from when he was a boy. In a way, he was an eternal eternal boy, never got boastful and brash like most men but stayed gentle, somber, contentedly running that restaurant of his and coming home peaceful and tired. boy, never got boastful and brash like most men but stayed gentle, somber, contentedly running that restaurant of his and coming home peaceful and tired.

It was a shock when he introduced her to Ruth. What an urchin she was! But plainly, Ezra adored her. "Mother, I'd like you to meet my-meet Ruth." Pearl had stalled a little, at first. Maybe she had failed to act properly welcoming. Well, who could blame her? And now, seeing how things had turned out, who could say she'd been wrong? But she can't help wondering, anyhow...If she'd been a little more encouraging, they might have married sooner. They might have married before Cody could work his mischief. Or if she had let herself realize realize...Yes, she wonders over and over again: if she'd mentioned Cody's plot to Ezra, stopped that situation that was not so much a courts.h.i.+p as a landslide, a kind of gathering and falling of events...

Ridiculous, of course, to imagine that anything she did could have mattered. What happens, happens. It's no one's fault. (Or it's only Cody's fault, for he has always been striving and compet.i.tive, a natural-born player of games, has had to win absolutely everything, even something he doesn't want like a runty little redhead far below his usual standards.) She opens the farmhouse parlor to air it. It smells like skunk. She leaves the front door ajar, taking care not to step onto the porch, which could very well give way beneath her. She remembers how, toward the end of that first week after the honeymoon, she asked Ezra to bring out to Ruth a few odds and ends for the farm-some extra pans, some linens, a carpet sweeper she had no use for. Was there an ulterior motive in her suggestion? If not, why didn't she accompany him, visit the bride like any good mother-in-law? "Please, I don't want to," Ezra said, but she said, "Honey. Go." She hadn't had any conscious design-truly, none at all-but it was a fact that later that morning, dawdling over the dishes, she'd allowed herself a little daydream: Ezra coming up behind Ruth, setting his arms around her, Ruth protesting only briefly before collapsing against him...Oh, shouldn't it be possible to undo what was done? What all of them had done?

But Ezra when he returned was as subdued as ever, and only said that Ruth thanked Pearl for the pans and linens but was sending back the carpet sweeper as the farmhouse had no carpets.

Then Sat.u.r.day, Cody came storming in with everything Ezra had taken to Ruth. "What's all this?" he asked Pearl.

"Why, Cody, pots and sheets, as you can surely see."

"How come Ezra brought them out?"

"I asked him to," she said.

"I won't have it! Won't have him hanging around the farm."

"Cody. It was at my request. Believe me," she told him.

"I do," he said.

She tried to get Ezra to go again the following week-taking the rug from the dining room and the carpet sweeper, once more-but he wouldn't. "I'm not comfortable there," he said. "There's no point. What's the point?" She supposed he was right. Yes, she thought, let Ruth wonder where he'd got to! People who leave us will be sorry in the end. She imagined Ruth alone in the farmhouse, roaming from room to room and peering sadly through the bare windows.

The next weekend, Pearl asked Ezra to drive her out. He couldn't very well refuse; he was her only means of transportation. They both, without discussing it, wore Sunday clothing-formal, guestlike clothing. They found the house looking sealed and abandoned. A lone hound nudged at a bone in the yard, but he surely didn't belong there.

Back home, Pearl placed a call to Cody in New York. "Aren't you coming to the farm any more?"

"Things are kind of busy."

"Won't Ruth be there during the week?"

"I want her here with me," he said. "After all, we just did get married."

"Well, when will we see you?"

"Pretty soon, not too long, I'm sure we'll be down in a while..."

But they weren't; or if they were, they didn't tell Pearl, and she was too proud to ask again. The summer ended and the leaves turned all colors, but Ezra dragged himself along with no change. "Sweetheart," Pearl told him, as in his boyhood, "isn't there someone you'd like to have home? Some friend to dinner? Anyone," she said. Ezra said no.

From time to time, Pearl called Cody in New York again. He was courteous and noncommittal. Ruth, if she spoke, gave fl.u.s.tered replies and didn't seem to have her wits about her. Then in October, two full weeks went by when no one answered the phone at all. Pearl wondered if they'd gone to the farm, and she begged Ezra to investigate. But when he finally agreed to, he found n.o.body there. "Someone's shattered four windowpanes," he reported. "Threw rocks at them, or shot them out." This made Pearl feel frightened. The world was closing in on them; even here on her own familiar streets, she no longer felt safe. And who knew what might have become of Ruth and Cody? They could be lying dead in their apartment, victims of a burglary or some bizarre, New York-type accident, their bodies undiscovered for weeks. Oh, this was what happened when you broke off all ties with your family! It wasn't right; with your family, if with no one else, you have to keep on trying.

She called frantically, day after day, often letting the phone ring thirty or forty times. There was something calming about that faraway purling sound. She was, at least, connected-though only to an object in Cody's apartment.

Then he answered. It was late in October. She was so taken aback that she didn't know what to say. It seemed the monotonous ring of the phone had grown to be enough for her. "Um, Cody..." she said.

"Oh. Mother."

"Cody, where have you been? been?"

"I had a job to see to in Ohio. I took Ruth along."

"You didn't answer the phone for weeks, and we looked for you out at the farm and some of the windows were broken."

"d.a.m.n! I thought I was paying Jared to keep that kind of thing from happening."

"You can't imagine how I felt, Cody. When I heard about the windows I felt...You're letting that place go to rack and ruin and we never get to see you any more."

"I do have a job to do, Mother."

"I thought that once you married, you were moving down to Baltimore. You were doing over the farmhouse and planting a garden and all."

"Yes, definitely. That's a definite possibility," said Cody. "Get Ezra to tape those windows, will you? And tell him to speak to Jared. I can't have the place depreciating."

"All right, Cody," she said.

Then she asked about Thanksgiving. "Will you be coming down? You know how Ezra likes to have us at the restaurant."

"Oh, Ezra and his restaurant..."

"Please. We've hardly seen you," she said.

"Well, maybe."

So in November they returned-Cody looking elegant and casual, Ruth incongruous in a large, ornate blue dress. Her hair was so stubby, her head so Small, that the dress appeared to be drowning her. She staggered in her high-heeled shoes. She still would not meet Ezra's gaze.

"What have you two been up to?" Pearl asked Ruth, as they rode in Cody's Cadillac to the restaurant.

"Oh, nothing so much."

"Are you decorating Cody's apartment?"

"Decorating? No."

"We've hardly seen it," Cody said. "I'm taking on longer-term jobs. In December I start reorganizing a textile plant in Georgia, a big big thing, five or six months. I thought maybe Ruth could come with me; we could rent us a little house of some kind. There's not much point in commuting." thing, five or six months. I thought maybe Ruth could come with me; we could rent us a little house of some kind. There's not much point in commuting."

"December? But then you'd miss Christmas," said Pearl.

Cody looked surprised. He said, "Why would we miss it?"

"I mean, would you still make the trip to Baltimore?"

"Oh. Well, no, I guess not," he said. "But we're here for Thanksgiving, aren't we?"

She resolved to say no more. She had her dignity.

They sat at their regular family table, surrounded by a fair-sized crowd. (In those days-the start of the sixties-s.h.a.ggy young people had just discovered Ezra's restaurant, with its stripped wood and pure, fresh food, and they thronged there every evening.) It was sad that Jenny couldn't come; she was spending the holiday with her in-laws. But Ruth, at least, rounded out their number. Pearl smiled across the table at her. Ruth said, "It feels right funny to be eating where I used to be cooking."

"Would you like to visit the kitchen?" Ezra asked. "The staff would enjoy seeing you."

"I don't mind if I do," she said. It was the first time since her marriage that she'd looked at him directly-or the first that Pearl knew about.

So Ezra sc.r.a.ped back his chair and rose, and guided Ruth into the kitchen. Pearl could tell that Cody wasn't pleased. He stopped in the act of unfolding his napkin and gazed after them, even taking a breath as if preparing to object. Then he must have thought better of it. He shook out the napkin angrily, saying nothing.

"So," said Pearl. "When do you move to the farm?"

"Farm? Oh, I don't know," he said. "Everything's so changed; the whole character of my work has changed." He looked again toward the kitchen.

"But you'd planned on raising a family there. It was all you ever talked about."

"Yes, well, and these long-term contracts," he said, as if he hadn't heard her.

Pearl said, "You had your heart just set on it."

But he continued watching the other two. He was not the least bit interested in what she might be saying. The kitchen was fully exposed, and could not have concealed the smallest secret. So why was Cody nervous? Ezra and Ruth stood talking with one of the cooks, their backs to the dining room. Ezra gestured as he spoke. He lifted both arms wide, one arm behind Ruth but not touching her, not brus.h.i.+ng her shoulder, surely not encircling her or anything like that. Even so, Cody rose abruptly from his chair. "Cody!" Pearl said. He strode toward the kitchen, with his napkin crumpled in one fist. Pearl stood up and hurried after him, and arrived in time to hear him say, "Let's go, Ruth."

"Go?"

"I didn't come here to watch you and Ezra chumming it up in the kitchen."

Ruth looked scared. Her face seemed to grow more pointed.

"Come on," said Cody, and he took her elbow. "Goodbye," he told Pearl and Ezra.

"Oh!" said Pearl, running after them. "Oh, Cody, what can you be thinking of? How can you act so foolish?"

Cody yanked Ruth's coat from a bra.s.s hook in pa.s.sing. He opened the front door and pulled Ruth into the street and shut the door behind them.

Ezra said, "I don't understand."

Pearl said, "Why does it always turn out this way? How come we end up quarreling? Don't we all love each other? Everything else aside," she said, "don't we all want the best for one another?"

"Certainly we do," Ezra said.

His answer was so level and firm that she felt comforted. She knew things were bound to work out someday. She let him lead her back to the table, and the two of them had a forlorn turkey dinner on the wide expanse of white linen.

Upstairs there are four bedrooms, spa.r.s.ely furnished, musty. The beds are so sunken-looking, evidently even the courting couples have not been tempted by them. They're untouched, the drab, dirty quilts still smooth. But a dead bird lies beneath one window. Pearl calls down the stairwell. "Ezra? Ezra, come here this instant. Bring the broom and trash bag."

He mounts the stairs obediently. She looks down and sees, with a pang, that his lovely fair hair is thinning on the back of his head. He is thirty-seven years old, will be thirty-eight in December. He will probably never marry. He will never do anything but run that peculiar restaurant of his, with its hodgepodge of food, its unskilled waitresses, its foreign cooks with questionable papers. You could say, in a way, that Ezra has suffered a tragedy, although it's a very small tragedy in the eyes of the world. You could say that he and Ruth, together, have suffered a tragedy. Something has been done to them; something has been taken away from them. They have lost it. They are are lost. It doesn't help at all that Cody in fact is a very nice man-that he's bright and funny and genuinely kind, to everyone but Ezra. lost. It doesn't help at all that Cody in fact is a very nice man-that he's bright and funny and genuinely kind, to everyone but Ezra.

You could almost say that Cody, too, has suffered a tragedy.

In 1964, when she went out to Illinois to visit them, she felt in their house the thin, tight atmosphere of an unhappy marriage. Not a really terrible marriage-no sign of hatred, spitefulness, violence. Just a sense of something missing. A certain failure to connect, between the two of them. Everything seemed so tenuous. Or was it her imagination? Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it was the house itself-a ranch house in a development, rented for the four months or so that Cody would need to reorganize a plastics plant in Chicago. Plainly the place was expensive, with wall-to-wall carpeting and long, low, modern furniture; but there were no trees anywhere nearby, not even a bush or a shrub-just that raw brick cube rising starkly from the flatness. And outside it was so white-hot, so insufferably hot, that they were confined to the house with its artificial, refrigerated air. They were imprisoned imprisoned by the house, dependent upon it like s.p.a.cemen in a s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p, and when they went out it was only to dash through a crus.h.i.+ng weight of heat to Cody's air-conditioned Mercedes. Ruth, going about her ch.o.r.es every day, had the clenched expression of someone determined to survive no matter what. Cody came home in the evening gasping for oxygen-barely crawling over the doorsill, Pearl fantasized-but did not seem all that relieved to have arrived. When he greeted Ruth, they touched cheeks and moved apart again. by the house, dependent upon it like s.p.a.cemen in a s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p, and when they went out it was only to dash through a crus.h.i.+ng weight of heat to Cody's air-conditioned Mercedes. Ruth, going about her ch.o.r.es every day, had the clenched expression of someone determined to survive no matter what. Cody came home in the evening gasping for oxygen-barely crawling over the doorsill, Pearl fantasized-but did not seem all that relieved to have arrived. When he greeted Ruth, they touched cheeks and moved apart again.

It was the first time Pearl had ever visited them, the first and only time, and this was after years of very little contact at all. They seldom came to Baltimore. They never returned to the farm. And Cody wrote almost no letters, though he would telephone on birthdays and holidays. He was more like an acquaintance, Pearl thought. A not very cordial acquaintance.

Once she and Ezra were driving down a road in West Virginia, on an outing to Harper's Ferry, when they chanced to come up behind a man in jogging shorts. He was running along the edge of the highway, a tall man, dark, with a certain confident, easy swing to his shoulders...Cody! Out here in the middle of nowhere, by sheer coincidence, Cody Tull! Ezra slammed on his brakes, and Pearl said, "Well, did you ever." But then the jogger, hearing their car, had turned his face and he wasn't Cody after all. He was someone entirely different, beefy jawed, nowhere near as handsome. Ezra sped up again. Pearl said, "How silly of me, I know full well that Cody's in, ah..."

"Indiana," said Ezra.

"Indiana; I don't know why I thought..."

They were both quiet for several minutes after that, and in those minutes Pearl imagined the scene if it really had been Cody-if he had turned, astonished, as they sailed past. Oddly enough, she didn't envision stopping. She thought of how his mouth would fall open as he recognized their faces behind the gla.s.s; and how they would gaze out at him, and smile and wave, and skim on by.

Whenever he phoned he was cheerful and hearty. "How've you been, Mother?"