Unworthy Part 9

GRACE.

I am in a complete daze after breakfast, I'm not even aware of when we get on the private jet. I have never left Great Britain, so to fly feels so alien that I just blank out over the whole journey. It is hard to rein in the panic that threatens to take me over, but at least for now the voices have gone, making me feel somewhat normal again.

We arrive in Spain and spend the next few weeks there. We travel around in a fancy soft-top car, going from place to place viewing lots of land. While driving on the first day we arrive Samuel tells me how all the local communities have been told that there is interest in the area and that there is an intention to make a hotel and they've begun to find locals who can help with the work a new hotel will bring. They have got everything ready to go for when a plot is chosen. I guess you can't expect anything less from Samuel's family. The Harding's have been told by lawyers that there were mixed reactions from the locals, but they have given their permission, so whichever land Samuel chooses he will be good to go to get the ball rolling. He looks so excited about it. Watching him drive with his sungla.s.ses in place, with his hair blowing in the wind, he looks so carefree. It is so nice to see him like that after all the stress I have put him through these last few days. It seems to happen as if like magic, as soon as I left Taunton I began to feel so much better. I still have a small need to hurt myself, but it is nothing that my band can't help me with. The little voice in the back of my head has become a distant memory. There is still the fear that it will come back, but for now it is gone and I feel more relaxed than I have done in a long time. I don't know if that is to do with Samuel or my new surroundings, but I am trying to embrace them and enjoy my time. We view lots of different lands. Samuel has a clear idea of what he is looking for and after a week we travel back to just outside Barcelona where we viewed the first area. I watch as Samuel signs on the dotted line. The plot is now under the Harding name and Samuel's smile is as big as a cat's who just got the cream. I can't help, but notice how childlike he looks in his happiness. He looks so cute and adorable which is so different from his normal demeanor. The strong-willed alpha male is now reduced to a little boy and I can't melt any more than the puddle I now am. He has the proofs all ready. His father and uncle know exactly what they want and they want each hotel in Europe to be the same, except for a few things. The plans are amazing. There will be so much room and the opportunity for jobs will be great for the local community without too much damage to the local area. It appears that the Harding dynasty is just as worried about the local environment as the locals they will become neighbors with.

Within a few days of the contract being signed we are surrounded by contractors and local builders who begin to start building. We stay there a few days as building gets under way, just to make sure everyone knows what they are doing and then make our way to the next plot of land, which happens to be in Italy. Samuel apparently misses his car so we drive across Spain towards the border with France.

It is beautiful, that is the only way to describe it, and just being able to stare at Samuel every day is just perfect. He looks amazing sat behind the wheel, and all I can do is sit and watch him, every now and then just turning away to view my surroundings so as not to give my game away. The last thing I need is to let Samuel know I am getting more and more affected by him, but every now and then I just see his grin as he catches me staring at him. Oh dear G.o.d, he is onto me and if I'm not careful he will have me declaring my love before we even get into Italy. I can't allow that to happen, I can't fall for someone to just have him turn around and laugh in my face. We may be traveling in a car, but we stop every night to sleep so I know how rough I look. I've always known I'm nothing special, my mother always made sure to remind me anyway, but even without that I know I am nothing special.

Too plain.

Too boring.

Too damaged and not worthy of happiness.

I knew that is me and I have always been happy with that, but then Samuel Harding walked into my life, turning it upside down. The more time I'm spending with him, the more I am finding out he is more than what I or the world ever thought he was. I already knew a little about his family, the image of a little Samuel being mothered and picked on by his sisters and cousins warms my cold heart. He doesn't have many friends. Growing up, whenever anyone ever tried to befriend him it always ended up with them wanting something from him and it hasn't gotten better as he's gotten older.

It began, of course, with his school peers wanting his friends.h.i.+p for protection or popularity and they got worse as they went up to high school. By then it wasn't just the boys it was the girls as well, who all wanted a piece of the Harding name.

As he tells me his story I can't help, but feel sorry for him, how sad to feel so alone that you can't trust people's motives for getting close to you. I don't tell him, I would never tell anyone, but I have an inkling of what it is like. I can't trust people because I just don't know what they would do to me or what lies they would start up, so it is just easier to keep away from everyone else. So, yes, I kind of know what he is talking about when he describes to me about feeling like he is alone, that no-one understands what he is going through. His siblings and cousins do in a way, but they are all girls. His uncle is his constant support; he can tell his uncle things that he would never tell anyone else. He loves his entire family, they are all close, but there is always something special about his uncle. As the only heir of the family his father could be strict, not in a nasty way, but just enough to let Samuel know what is expected of him or how annoyed he'd become if Samuel did something wrong. But his uncle is always there if he needs him. He didn't attend a private school, his parents wanted him to see what everyday life and people are like. He did make the odd friend, the few people who he could relate to or have the same things in common with and they are still friends to this day. He attended college where he took business studies and all the while he worked at the family business, learning all he needed to know. Of course, now he is getting groomed to take over and he is excited and nervous to embrace his future. The only thing he never sees happening is meeting a woman. My heart stops beating as I feel his eyes look at me, as I take in his statement.

He can't mean me?

Of course he doesn't mean you, stupid cow. You're talking about Samuel Harding, the man can have anyone he wants and you are just you.

You're worthless, remember.

A waste of s.p.a.ce.

How could I forget? I always have my mother's cold voice reminding me every day, tormenting me with everything everyone else said to me, but being with Samuel away from my usual surroundings is almost making me forget. It is as if his mere presence is comforting and protecting me like a blanket from the harsh wind of people's voices. With Samuel by my side I feel like I can cope with anything. He is slowly healing my twisted mind, making me more normal.

I want to be normal.

The amount of times I wished or prayed as a child that I could just be normal and that my mother could love me.

I longed for at least just one friend, someone to share my journey with, but I long ago released that. That is something I am not worthy of. It crushed me back then, but as I grew into a teenager I slowly came to terms with it and just decided it was better for myself just to keep everyone out.

To not let anyone in. And that's what I have done ever since, till now. I've been finding over the last few days, especially now while being in such close proximity with this male, that he is melting away my reserve like a d.a.m.n glacier on a warm day. I can feel the liquid as it goes down my leg, pooling at my feet, taking all my hardness with it. My hardness, my very protection from the outside world is disappearing from me and I can't do a thing about it because it's out of my control. I've lived with control around my whole life, for so long that the thought of it no longer being there as my support mechanism is too scary to comprehend.

SAMUEL.

To say I like to drive is an understatement. To feel the wind blowing through my hair and views before me become more beautiful the further we go is amazing. As a small boy I was always well-traveled. but it has always been a dream to drive through parts of Europe and I am doing it with the woman I love. She keeps herself pretty silent while she sees the view before her and listens to me talk. She manages a few words every now and then - she hasn't seen or heard from her mother since she left for London and as far as I can see that makes her happy. She has big dreams of a career which she tells me I have helped her with. She wants to own her own home and with each word that falls from her lips I can see her whole face light up. It is the first time I have really seen her so happy and although she tries to hide her past away from me, from the brief conversations and her reaction to her home town and that guy I can tell that her past is bad. She appears to just be so sad all the time and I want to change that, but I have a long way to go. I need to let her know that she can trust me with her past and her future, that I won't hurt her.

Finally we make it to the outskirts of Venice where the plot of land greets us. When we get there we are met by an old Italian, who greets us both with a firm handshake. That is good, I've always been told to shake a man's hand firmly, that it shows character and strength, and I always look at that as an adult.

The plot is even better than the pictures I have seen; it is the land that my father and uncle are more interested in due to its situation. I sign on the dotted line and within minutes I am on the phone making sure we can get development underway.

Within a few days the ball is rolling and Harding Industries will, within the next two years, be the owners of two new hotels. They aren't just hotels though. There will be a lavish spa and entertainment village, the ground floor will consist of shops and restaurants and we are already underway with filling all the units. It will be amazing for the company and I was proud when my father and uncle asked me to head it up. We have already done the same once in London and it is a huge success.

A week later things are going well with both plots. Both my site managers are happy with what they are doing and time seems to have flown by. Within a few days we will be boarding the company jet going back to New York. I have spoken so much of Grace whenever I spoke to family since leaving New York that I am finding I just want to introduce her to them. I just pray they won't scare her off. She is so scared all the time that I know she will jump at my family's overboard tendencies and then with my family comes the world's press. I am thanking the G.o.ds that they haven't already seen me and leaked photos, but I know the moment I am back on American soil they will hunt me down and devour us both.

CHAPTER TWENTY.

GRACE.

Before I know it we are into the last week of July.

I am waking in the mornings so happy, it is as if I have been given a new lease of life and I am embracing it with both hands. I no longer feel like the scared timid girl I once was only a few short months ago. I am growing with confidence, as if the weekend in Taunton never happened. I am just growing with the strength my new role and friends.h.i.+p are giving me. I feel so happy and relaxed and I only hope that the little fear I have in the back of my head, that it will all come cras.h.i.+ng down, is just that, a fear. Samuel won't allow me time to dwell, this morning when he tells me we are spending the weekend in Venice.

Samuel has someone meet us to pick up the car where we board a boat and are taken into the heart of Venice. Old buildings and water surround us and it is just beautiful to look at. The smell I a.s.sumed would greet us is non-existent. The hotel we are to stay in is simply beautiful, and right in the heart of the city. It is as if I have just stepped foot in a fairy tale. We spend a day and a half visiting all the sights that Venice has to offer, we even go on a gondola ride. The whole time I am there I am made to feel like a princess and that lasts well into the Sat.u.r.day evening meal. Samuel has arranged for us to have a meal at the hotel on the balcony looking out over the water. At any other time I would have panicked, thinking it was too grand a gesture. The kind of gesture someone would do for the one they love, but I know Samuel doesn't harbor such feelings for me. That's why, for once I allow myself to have a little fun. We are friends after all and it has been such a remarkable few months that Samuel deserves to have me relax just a little and enjoy what he is trying to do for me. The balcony has no romantic overtones to it, there is still light around so we can see each other and our food.

Throughout the meal the wine flows and the meal is to die for. I have never tasted anything as good. Samuel, as always, looks delicious and I can't help, but remember what lies beneath that white s.h.i.+rt. I lick my lips as I think of licking my way up those firm muscles, I wonder how his skin would taste or how soft his would be under my touch, and then I remember that d.a.m.n nipple bar. Just the thought of playing with it and hearing Samuel's moans has my knickers dampen and become a twisted ma.s.s of material. Oh G.o.d, since I met him he is making me worse than I ever thought I could be. I've never thought like that and now I can't get rid of the ideas of pleasure that are ruling my head and heart. As much as I fear what is going on, I am finding I am enjoying it far too much, the way my body comes alive. At the thought of him touching me or doing anything with me, my body turns into a heated inferno. And that is exactly how I feel with the wine rus.h.i.+ng through my bloodstream, making my reactions and emotions far more intense as Samuel leads me back to our room.

"Do you want another drink?" He asks me as he walks over to the mini bar. Another drink? I've really had enough, but what will one more really do? I am already in my hotel room; it isn't as if I am in a dangerous situation.

"What the heck, yes, please?" I say as I feel my shoulders rise and fall with my statement. I watch as Samuel pours us both a gla.s.s of something amber and he motions me to sit down. He soon follows me and takes a seat while he hands me my drink, which burns as it slides down my throat.

"Have you had a nice evening?"

"Hmmm." I take another sip of the burning liquid as I watch Samuel watching me. My head begins to feel a little hazy, but it's kind of refres.h.i.+ng to begin to let go. To let go, how nice would it be to just forget everything except the man that is looking me up and down like he is preparing to jump me so he can eat me alive.

"Hmmmmm."

"I a.s.sume that means yes. That you've had a good evening with me." And he almost looks like a little boy begging to have his wish granted for the first time. If only I were that wish, I would give anything to be exactly what this man needs in a woman.

"I always have a good time with you, Samuel."

"Is that so, sweet cheeks?" I have no control over my body; it is the alcohol surging through my blood allowing me to get closer to Samuel, to touch his cheek as I look into his eyes, letting me look into his soul. He wants me, I can see it there as clear as day, and he's wanted me since the first time we met. I look in to his black orbs and I know I want him too.

"Yes. Yes it is. You make me feel alive, Samuel. For the first time since I can't remember when, you make me feel like I am worth something more than the piece of s.h.i.+t I was always made to feel like." I stop the flow of words as I realize I'm crying. I attempt to wipe them away before Samuel realizes, but it is too late. A lone finger rises to my left eye and wipes the dampness away before he does the same to the right. His eyes are intense as he watches me, but I can see the worry, the care and I'm sure even love as he attempts to make me feel better.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's true." He gives me a questioning look and I don't know if it's the wine, but I need to tell him why I think like I do.

"My mother. She would always remind me what I was. That I was trash."

"Why would your mom say that to you?"

"It's true, that's why. I damage everything that is close to me." I raise and drop my shoulders again as Samuel looks on at me with confusion.

"Fun, huh." I down the rest of my drink and the burn isn't even noticeable any longer. I feel my body go weak and I can't help the yawn. I rub my eyes as if doing that will make me feel better, but as with everything except hurting myself or even that amber liquid I find it doesn't.

"Good night, Samuel."

SAMUEL.

Once again I watch her walk away.

Always running, never staying long enough to hear the truth. If she had stayed she would have heard me say that all her mother has ever told her are lies. I can't understand how a parent can allow a child to feel like that about themselves. I guess I am just very lucky to have grown up in the loving family that I did. I know what my family expects from me, but I also know that they love me and that nothing could ever change that. I want to make it all better for Grace. I want to wipe away all the nasty things her mother has ever told her and replace them with my kind words. She deserves to know what an amazing person she is and I just can't understand how her mother has let her know any different. I hadn't expected her to have drunk as much as she had, but it has made her loose with her tongue and for that I am grateful. I am able to piece together a little more of the Grace puzzle and I can only hope that she will allow me to see the finished product. When she looked into my eyes I could see the love that resided within her. She loves me; she just doesn't want to acknowledge it yet. I can work on that, at least she has the right feelings. I just need to help her see it more clearly. And I will, if it's the last thing I do. She is mine and I will have her by my side.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.

GRACE.

I feel so sick as I just lie in my bed.

I can't sleep.

I toss and turn, remembering all the things I said to Samuel.

I try counting sheep, but it doesn't help the sick feeling I can't get rid of.

I take in deep breaths, but nothing seems to help.

My stomach feels like it's tying up in knots and the sensation of needing to be sick seems to be getting worse with each knot that tightens around my midsection. The sensation gets to a point where I know I need the bathroom and I very quietly make my way over there just as that same sensation overtakes me. I manage to get to the toilet just in time, but as I try to empty my stomach the feeling doesn't go away, only worsens. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep now so I make my way back to my room. I lie back in my bed, but again I can't get the feeling of sickness away and I just lie there trying to trick my body into the sleep it needs, but no joy. My whole body feels like it's breaking out in a sweat and I don't know if it could be a bug or just an aftereffect from something I ate at dinner the night before. I know it can't be the drink, I didn't drink that much, but my head still feels fuzzy like it's full of cotton wool. The hotel restaurant is a five-star, it can't possibly be food poisoning, but I have been working so much with Samuel that I haven't really been in contact with anyone to get a bug. Before I can think anything else about it I have the sudden urge to get to the bathroom again. I jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom as quickly as I can without disturbing Samuel in the process. I reach the toilet just as I let go of the contents of my stomach and it doesn't seem to want to give up, even when I feel like I sit in front of the toilet for hours just being sick. When I end up only dry heaving I can feel a gentle hand at my back.

"Are you OK?" I can't escape the little laugh at his question.

"I know, stupid question right." I manage to lift my head, but barely see him before I get the need to be sick once again. More dry heaving and my stomach seems to be twisting around itself, leaving me in so much pain I can only grunt.

"F...feel r...really bad." I whisper, just as another wave of dry heaving comes over me. I can hear Samuel move around behind and to the side of me just as I feel a cold cloth at my neck. I raise my head again from the bowl as I see Samuel sit to the side of me as he moves the cloth to around my face and to my forehead. He hands me a small gla.s.s of water which I take with shaky hands.

"Slow sips, OK."

"OK." The water feels refres.h.i.+ng as it goes down my burning throat.

"Feel any better now?"

"I think so" I say as Samuel takes a hold of my hand to help me get up, but as soon as I am back on my feet I feel dizzy and another urge to be sick takes my body again. I collapse to my knees just as the water I have just drunk comes back up my throat, burning my insides as it goes. Samuel moves my hair away from my neck and attempts to dab away the moisture that is pooling there just as I heave again.

"No more water." He moves the cloth to my face again and it feels nice and refres.h.i.+ng as he pushes it gently against my forehead.

"Come on; let's see if we can get you back to bed." Samuel gently puts his hands underneath my arms and helps to get me back on my feet.

"Teeth. I need to clean my teeth." Samuel takes me to the sink and helps me to get the paste on my toothbrush so I can clean out my mouth.

"Don't swallow the water."

"OK." Once my mouth has the nasty taste removed Samuel leads me back through to my bedroom and pulls back the covers and I am surprised when he climbs in with me.

"What are you doing?"

"Don't worry, sweet cheeks, I just want to make sure you are OK." I settle down within the depths of the mattress and I am aware of Samuel doing the same thing and moving right up to me while on his side.

"Turn over." I attempt to slowly turn over and as I do I can feel Samuel's arms around me as he pulls me into him so we are spooning.

"Samuel?"

"Don't worry." I rest my head on my pillow and I can feel Samuel's breath against my skin and it instantly makes me feel alive, just like all the other times he has been this close to me. I feel a hand move to my stomach where he does light touches around the area and I can feel myself drift off to sleep. I can't help, but think as I drift off that this is where I am meant to be. Being in Samuel's arms feels like I am home, like I am where I have always been meant to be and I can't get away from those very thoughts as his light touches on my stomach do their work and I fall into a restful sleep.

When I awaken in the morning I am still spooned against Samuel's warm body and I am greeted by his morning wood.

Oh my G.o.d, why is that there? I can see the dusky light come through the blinds and I know that it can only be early as I give a yawn. I move with the action and by accident I am made to go further into Samuel's hold and can feel a stronger presence of his erection. That one action makes me go into full panic mode as I hear him moan behind me and his erection get harder against my back.

Why would he have morning wood?

Oh s.h.i.+t, why is it getting bigger?

Oh G.o.d, it can't be me Oh G.o.d, please don't be a reaction to me.

I don't think I can cope if this is anything else but friends.h.i.+p. He can't love me; I don't deserve to be loved. You stupid cow, he's your boss, you can't be friends. I look behind me and I can see him sleeping and he looks so peaceful and G.o.dlike. His chest is out in full view and I can see his muscles beneath his skin that look beautifully sculpted. He's so handsome even in his restful state and the man looks like a G.o.d; he's a G.o.d in human form. I need to get my head straight, but I am so overcome with tiredness that I just fall back to sleep again.

When I awaken again the sun's beams are in full bloom and as I turn I notice that I am alone in the bed, but Samuel's side is still warm. He hasn't been up for long and it makes me wonder where he is and what he could be doing.

Grace, why do you even care? As I try to come up with a sensible answer the door to my room opens and I see Samuel walk in with two tall gla.s.ses of water. He is only wearing his pajama bottoms and I can see the way they hang off his hips and I can just make out a delicious V that is calling for my tongue to lick and caress. Oh, and there's that d.a.m.n nipple bar and tattoo again. I try to hide my thoughts, but I can tell from the look in Samuel's eyes that he knows exactly what I am thinking and I can't help the blush that creeps up my cheeks.

"How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad, just weak and tired."

"I would think so. I'm going to work from here today and I want you to rest."

"Rest?"

"Yes, Grace, rest. I think you are over-worked." He hands me one of the gla.s.ses of water and I take gentle sips as I watch him watching me.

"Good girl." he says as he takes back the gla.s.s and puts it on the stand by my side of the bed.

"Would you like to try some toast?" As he says the words I can hear my tummy grumble and I'm sure that Samuel can hear it too.

"I'll take that as a yes. I want you to rest." I watch as he steps away from the bed and then walks through the door, his hips have a gentle sway as he walks and his b.u.m looks firm with each stride he makes. I shake my head at my thoughts, trying to stop myself having any more.

He's my boss, he's my boss, I keep repeating to myself.

He's my boss He's my boss, but he has looked after me.