The Comedies of Terence Part 24

_PARMENO alone._

Heav'ns, what a strange disease is this! that love Should so change men, that one can hardly swear They are the same!--No mortal liv'd Less weak, more grave, more temperate than he.

--But who comes yonder?--Gnatho, as I live; The Captain's parasite! and brings along The Virgin for a present: oh rare wench!

How beautiful! I shall come off, I doubt, But scurvily with my decrepit Eunuch.

This Girl surpa.s.ses ev'n Thais herself.

[Changes:

_Harper_ Either you'll straight return, or soon at night Your dreams will drive you out o' doors.

PHaeD. I'll toil _Colman 1768_ Either you'll straight return, or want of sleep Will drive you forth at midnight.

PHaeD. I will toil

_PARMENO alone._ _In 1768 edition this pa.s.sage is labeled SCENE II._]

SCENE II.

_Enter GNATHO leading PAMPHILA; PARMENO behind._

GNAT. Good Heav'ns! how much one man excels another!

What diff'rence 'twixt a wise man and a fool!

What just now happen'd proves it: coming hither I met with an old countryman, a man Of my own place and order, like myself, No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spent In mirth and jollity his whole estate.

He was in a most wretched trim; his looks Lean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags.

"How now!" cried I, "what means this figure, friend?

Alas! says he, my patrimony's gone.

--Ah, how am I reduc'd! my old acquaintance And friends all shun me."--Hearing this, how cheap I held him in comparison with me!

"Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!

Have you spent all, nor left ev'n hope behind?

What! have you lost your sense with your estate?

Me!--look on me--come from the same condition!

How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!

I've ev'ry thing, though nothing; naught possess, Yet naught I ever want."--"Ah, Sir, but I Have an unhappy temper, and can't bear To be the b.u.t.t of others, or to take A beating now and then."--"How then! d'ye think Those are the means of thriving? No, my friend!

Such formerly indeed might drive a trade: But mine's a new profession; I the first That ever struck into this road. There are A kind of men, who wish to be the head Of ev'ry thing; but are not. These I follow; Not for their sport and laughter, but for gain To laugh with them, and wonder at their parts: Whate'er they say, I praise it; if again They contradict, I praise that too: does any Deny? I too deny: affirm? I too Affirm: and in a word, I've brought myself To say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure: And that is now the best of all professions."

PAR. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.

GNAT. Deep in this conversation, we at length Come to the market, where the sev'ral tradesmen, Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult'rers, fishmongers, (Who once did profit and still profit by me,) All run with joy to me, salute, invite, And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv'd wretch, Soon as he saw me thus caress'd, and found I got my bread so easily, desired He might have leave to learn that art of me.

I bade him follow me, if possible: And, as the Schools of the Philosophers Have ta'en from the Philosophers their names, So, in like manner, let all Parasites Be call'd from me Gnathonics!

PAR. Mark, what ease, And being kept at other's cost, produces!

GNAT. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais, And bid her forth to sup.--Ha, Parmeno!

Our rival's slave, standing at Thais' door!

--How melancholy he appears! All's safe: These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.

I'll play upon this knave. (_Aside._)

PAR. These fellows think This present will make Thais all their own. (_Aside._)

GNAT. To Parmeno, his lov'd and honor'd friend, Gnatho sends greeting. (_Ironically._)--What are you upon?

PAR. My legs.

GNAT. I see it.--Is there nothing here Displeasing to you?

PAR. You.

GNAT. I do believe it.

But prithee, is there nothing else?

PAR. Wherefore?

GNAT. Because you're melancholy.

PAR. Not at all.

GNAT. Well, do not be so!--Pray, now, what d'ye think Of this young handmaid?

PAR. Troth, she's not amiss.

GNAT. I plague the rascal. (_Half aside._)

PAR. How the knave's deceiv'd! (_Half aside._)

GNAT. Will not this gift be very acceptable To Thais, think you?

PAR. You'd insinuate That we're shut out.--There is, alas, a change In all things.

GNAT. For these six months, Parmeno, For six whole months at least, I'll make you easy; You sha'n't run up and down, and watch till daylight; Come, don't I make you happy?

PAR. Very happy.

GNAT. 'Tis my way with my friends.

PAR. You're very good.

GNAT. But I detain you: you, perhaps, was going Somewhere else.

PAR. Nowhere.

GNAT. May I beg you then To use your int'rest here, and introduce me To Thais?

PAR. Hence! away! these doors Fly open now, because you carry her.

GNAT. Would you have any one call'd forth? (_Exit._

PAR. Well, well!

Pa.s.s but two days; and you, so welcome now, That the doors open with your little finger, Shall kick against them then, I warrant you, Till your heels ache again.