Airhead: Being Nikki Part 11

But I was still, I realize, a plenty big freak. Which I could handle, actually, because Id always been a big freak.

It was the fact that there were people spying on me all the time"and not just the paparazzi"that was kind of hard to bear without breaking something.

I know its hard, Dr. Higgins said sympathetically, as if she could read my thoughts. But she couldntbecause if she could, shed have looked more scared. Besides, surely my thoughts were still my own. Stark didnt own them. Yet. Of course you miss them. And we dont expect you never to see them. Thats why we let you go to school with your sister. But you really need to cut back on the personal visits. You wont a.s.similate into your new life as easily if you keep trying to cling to your old life. Do you know what I mean?

I thought of Christopher. Wasnt that exactly what hed been doing, clinging to his old love, Em (even if hed never once acknowledged, while I was actually around, that he liked me), instead of embracing the here and now?

Maybe, I admitted, more so shed shut up and let me leave than because I thought it was really true. Im just having a rough transition period.

Acknowledging that, Dr. Higgins said, with a smile, is half the battle toward overcoming it. Now. She looked down, and turned a page in my file. About Nikki Howards brother.

All of my internal alarm sensors went off. Stark knew! Stark knew about Steven!

Then againof course they did. Why wouldnt they? They knew everything.

Dr. Higgins looked up from the file and smiled at me again. I know you feel bad about his mother, and want to help. But really, all you had to do was ask. Because we at Stark would be happy to do anything we can to help resolve this unfortunate and really quite sad situation.

I blinked. Waitreally?

Yes, of course. Its odd that Steven Howard came to you and not us first, but considering the circ.u.mstances"

I shook my head. What circ.u.mstances?

Well, his motherscondition. Im sure he was a bit embarra.s.sed.

Condition? I stared at her. What was she talking about? What condition?

Dr. Higgins closed my file and crossed the room to sit at her desk, where her computer was. Because Dr. Higgins had been out of the office, she had to turn the computer on and let it boot. While it did this, she said, Im not surprised he didnt mention it, but Mrs. Howard is not a well woman. If she should contact you, or Steven, its important, whatever outrageous things she tells you, that you remember that. She has a long history of mental illness and, Im sorry to say, drug and alcohol abuse.

I stared at her in shock. Dr. Higgins looked up from the computer screen, saw my startled expression, and nodded.

Its actually not that unusual that shes disappeared like this. Shes done it before, many times.

I listened with growing disbelief to Dr. Higgins as she continued.

"of course, if you do hear from her, Dr. Higgins was saying, you should contact us at once, and well take care of it. Mrs. Howard needs immediate medical care.

What was going on here? What was Dr. Higgins doing? This was not the person Steven Howard had described to me"not that hed gone into much detail at all about his mom. Still, this didnt jibe with what hed said about his mom not being the type to leave her business unattended.

Who was telling the truth? Dr. Higgins? Or Steven?

Um, I said. Dr. Higgins was typing something into the keyboard in front of her. Okay.

Im glad we had this little talk. Dr. Higgins straightened, came over to me, and patted me on the back, then helped me down from the exam table. Sometimes its nice when its just us girls, isnt it?

Yeah, I said. You mean, when we didnt have lawyers from Stark Corporate around, telling me what I could and could not say? It sure is.

Good night, Dr. Higgins said, and shook my hand at the door to her office. If you experience any headaches, double vision, nausea, or any symptoms at all, dont hesitate to call.

I a.s.sured her Id call. Then, as Dr. Higgins returned to her computer, no doubt to input every detail of our conversation into my file, I allowed myself to be escorted by Stark security through the dark and silent"this time of night"hallways to the hospitals front entrance, where the Stark town car was waiting to take me back to the loft.

Only, when I got there, I found that the press was waiting. Hordes of them. They must have been tipped off by someone that this hospital was where Id been sent, because otherwise how could there have been so many of them? The flashbulbs started going off the second I set one foot out the door, instantly blinding me. It was a good thing those security guys were there, giving me their strong arms for support. Otherwise Id have suffered another embarra.s.sing tumble as they led me down the hospital steps to the town car waiting below.

Nikki! a paparazzo cried. Are you all right? White flashes burst all around me. I could barely see the cement steps underneath my feet.

What happened, Nikki? Care to comment? another wanted to know.

Nothing, I said, trying to give a casual laugh. I was just a klutz, thats all. Im fine. See? Nothing broken. Except my pride.

Nikki, was this fall related to what happened to you a few months ago, when you suffered from a hypoglycemic incident at a Stark grand opening and had to be hospitalized? someone else asked. Flash. Flash. Flash.

No, nothing like that, I said. I just trip"

But I didnt get the full sentence out of my mouth. Thats because my vision had finally cleared enough for me to see that, waiting next to the town car was a guy. A dark-haired, blue-eyed guy, wearing jeans and a brown suede jacket. He was holding an enormous bouquet of red roses. And grinning. At me.

h.e.l.lo there, Gabriel Luna said with a smile.

Why, h.e.l.lo, I said. I glanced around, pretty sure I knew the answer, but wanting to make sure I wasnt about to make a fool of myself again. Have I got the wrong car?

No, Gabriel said. This is your car. So. How are you?

Im fine, I replied, still not quite believing what I was seeing. Gabriel Luna was waiting with a big bouquet of roses next to my car. In front of the paparazzi, who were snapping tons of photos of us both now. What, exactly, was going on? Was this because he loved me or something?

Oh, these are for you. Gabriel seemed to remember the roses suddenly, which he pa.s.sed to me. Tons more flashes went off. A bit sappy, I know, he whispered, so the paps couldnt hear him. But my manager thought it would be a good idea.

I took the beautiful bouquet. Yourmanager? I whispered. I didnt understand anything that was going on.

And your agent, Gabriel said, still smiling away as everyone took our photo. He was opening the car door and helping me inside. They go to the same gym. Anyway, what with the song and the show and us both working for Stark and all, they just thought, well, it wouldnt be such a bad idea for us to be seen out and about together. I know its a bit stagy, but it cant hurt to have the fans think were an item, now can it?

Oh, I said, finally catching on. You mean your song Gabriel grinned. Right. The song.

We were in the car now, and my security guys had slammed the door behind us and were shooing the paparazzi away, even as they clamored for just one more shot and called things like, Nikki! Are you and Gabriel Luna going out? Where are you off to? How long have the two of you been seeing each other?

It was much quieter in the car, with the door shut. Gabriel looked at me, his dark eyebrows raised inquiringly. I hope, he said, you dont mind. Your agent said it was all right.

Oh, I said. What could I say? That I was going to kill Rebecca later? No. Its fine.

Good, Gabriel said. And of course I dont want to keep you. Im sure you must be exhausted. And if you want to get back to your place, thats fine. But if you wanted to get a bite to eat"

Suddenly, I realized I was starving. It had been a long time since those chocolate-covered strawberries. And I had so many things to do"finals to study for, an oral presentation to prepare, a sister to make up with, Nikki Howards mother to find, and her brother to ask something really horrible. Not to mention Christopher waiting for an answer about whether or not I was going to help him bring down Stark Enterprises.

Sure, I said, without a seconds more hesitation. Why not?

Which was how I found myself, an hour and a half later, at Dos Gatos, the underground club you needed to be a celebrity even to know it existed, since it looked like an ordinary diner on the outside.

But when you said your name, a guy with a walkie-talkie would let you through a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY, into what was really an elevator. And suddenly, you were in one of the hottest clubs in town. There I sat sharing a cozy booth in the corner with Gabriel Luna, sitting beneath the flickering candlelight from dozens of Mexican lanterns hanging overhead while he explained the genesis of the song Nikki.

The Nikki in the song isnt necessarily you, he was saying. Wed finished a platter of bite-size carne asada tacos, sprinkled all over with bright green bits of cilantro, and a pitcher of key lime margaritas (virgin, of course. I doubted Gabriel would have allowed them to be served any other way, given Nikkis reputation).

Really, I said. So its about some other girl named Nikki you happen to know?

He grinned. Okay. Well, maybe shes you. But shes more the idea of you" In the candlelight, a wave of his dark hair cast his eyes in shadow, so his expression was hard to read. Im saying theres the public Nikki, the one who everyone thinks they know. And then theres the Nikki underneath, the one you wont seem to allow anyone to know.

I looked at him. Gabriel was smarter than Id given him credit for being. You really think that? You think I push people away?

Youre the one whos been impossible to reach these past few weeks, he said with a gentle laugh. If I didnt know better, Id think you were seeing someone.

I bit my lip. The truth, of course, was that I was seeing someone. Well, at school. He just didnt know it.

Except that nowwell, now, that person had made it clear he was in love with someone else.

And okay, that someone else was mebut me as I used to be.

Wait a minute, Gabriel was saying now, reaching out to push back some of my long blond hair, which had partially fallen across my face. There is someone else, isnt there?

Oh, G.o.d. Why did his eyes have to be so blue? Like someone elses eyes, actually. Only bluer, because they contrasted so nicely with his dark hair and long, curly eyelashes.

Therewas, I murmured, looking everywhere but Gabriels face, and cursing Nikki for having such an insufferable physical weakness where guys were concerned. Because when his fingers brushed the skin on my cheek, I felt myself melting. Just a little, the way I had when Brandon had touched me that night in St. John. Why couldnt Christopher touch me like that? Why? Not anymore. He likesanother girl. Not really, butwell, he might as well.

Gabriel raised one ink-black eyebrow. His hand had slipped from my cheek around to the back of my neck. Uh-oh. Sounds complicated.

You have no idea, I said.

And thats when it happened. Gabriel began to knead the back of my neck with his fingers.

I dont know what came over me after that. Or rather, I do: It was all Nikki Howards fault. Nikkis bodys fault, I mean. Because the next thing I knew, it had happened again. That thing Nikkis body was always doing, when it went all melty at a guys touch.

And the worst part was, Gabriel knew. I mean, he could tell. I knew he could tell because suddenly, he scooted closer to me on the cus.h.i.+oned bench, and his other hand reached up to cup my face.

And then, even though I didnt want to"even though there werent any paparazzi around to take a photo of us together"I let him tilt my face up toward his, and didnt move away when he pressed his mouth down against mine. I know! I let him kiss me. In fact, I kissed him back, kissed him with all the pent-up emotion Id been feeling for what seemed like days.

The worst part of it was, the emotion I felt? It wasnt for Gabriel. That much I knew. It was stored-up pa.s.sion for someone else. Someone with eyes just as blue as Gabriels.

But someone who would never, ever in a million years cup my face in his hands and lean down and kiss me, much less write a song about me. Or notice that there was a public Nikki, and then a different Nikki underneath.

Gabriel didnt kiss me like someone whose managers idea it had been to bring me roses. Hed slipped both his arms around me now and was kissing me like he meant it, and had been waiting around for exactly this to happen, like everything leading up to it had only been appetizers, and finally, finally, wed gotten to the main course.

Which was why it was a bit disheartening when I realized what I felt about him was exactly zero. And when I started to become aware that the soft chatter from other diners all around us had gotten a bit quieter suddenly, as if everyone had stopped eating to stare at something.

Which, I realized, as I broke the kiss and drew away from Gabriel a little, was us.

Uh, I said to him, ducking my head so that my hair covered my burning face. I started digging through my tote for my lip gloss. Whoa.

Sorry, Gabriel said. He reached for his water gla.s.s. The conversation level of the diners around us picked up again, and not a moment too soon. I probably oughtnt have done that. His voice wasnt completely steady.

No, I said. I held my compact up over my face so I could check my reflection and reapply my gloss without going outside the linesbut also in the hopes that he wouldnt be able to see how hard I was blus.h.i.+ng. Its all right. Really.

And youre quite certain theres someone else?

Yes, I said gently. Im sorry. But there is.

Shame, he said, grinning, as he set down his now empty water gla.s.s. I think wed have gotten along famously. Even though youre impossible.

Im impossible? I clicked the compact shut. I wasnt blus.h.i.+ng anymore. Im not the guy who stuck the name of a girl he barely knows in a song about how much he loves her. Im trying to overlook the fact you chose a girl who just happens to be the face of the corporation that owns your label, by the way.

You dont honestly believe I wrote a song about you to get press, do you? Gabriel asked, looking hurt.

The truth was, I didnt know what to believe anymore. Everything Id ever believed these past few months had turned out not to be true. Parents who were supposed to be there to protect you actually couldnt always do that, and corporations that were allegedly evil occasionally saved your life, and brainiacs like me turned out not to know anything at all.

What could I believe in anymore?

Its kind of hard not to notice that youve decided to let Stark introduce your song about me to the world by having you sing it at a fas.h.i.+on show for underwear, I pointed out. Or am I wrong?

Gabriel appeared startled for a minute. Then, out of nowhere, he started to laugh.

Touche, he said. But my agent is making me do that last part. I was against doing the Stark Angel show from the start.

Well, I said. I was trying hard not to smile. Because it wasnt funny. Except it sort of was. I wasnt exactly thrilled about doing the Stark Angel show, either.

I guess maybe we have more in common than either of us thought, Gabriel said.

Right, I said, rolling my eyes. Though it was hard to keep on being a sarcastic, tough model when he was being so nice. Were both corporate slaves.

But that doesnt mean, Gabriel said, what I said in the song isnt true. There is something about you, Nikki, that I havent been able to get out of my head since we met. But until tonight, you never seemed to want to let me in.

I smiled at him miserably. Believe me, Gabriel, I said. This is one head youre better off staying out of.

FOURTEEN.

HANGING OUT WITH A HOT BRITISH singing sensation way past midnight on a school night probably wasnt the best way to prepare for finals.

In fact, it was pretty much the best way to guarantee you werent going to perform your best the next day.

Another good way to a.s.sure you were going to bomb was to come staggering into your loft and then find your big brother waiting up for you.

Except, of course, hes not really your big brother.

Wheres Lulu? I asked. Steven was sitting alone on one of the white couches, watching TV. Almost all the lights were out in the loft, and I nearly tripped over Cosabella as she darted over to greet me when I stepped off the elevator.

She went to bed, Steven said, switching off the sound of the show he was watching. I was almost not surprised to see what it was. Shark Week. Yeah. Nothing surprised me anymore. Which is where you should have been hours ago, isnt it? Dont you have school in the morning?