Princess Diaries Series: Princess In Love Part 3

Kenny: Well, I just wanted to see if you were okay. I mean, if your tongue was okay.

Me: It's a little better, I guess.

Kenny: Because I was really worried. You know. I really, really didn't mean to- Me: Kenny, I know. It was just an accident.

This is when I started realizing I'd asked my dad the wrong question. I should have asked him what's the best way to break up with somebody, not what's the best way to let someone know you like them.

Anyway, to get back to what Kenny said: Kenny: Well, I just wanted to call and wish you a good night. And say that I hope you feel better. And also to let you know . . . well, Mia, that I love you.

Me: . . . .

I didn't say anything right away, because I was completely FREAKED OUT!!!! It wasn't exactly as if it happened out of the blue, because we are sort of going out, after all.

But still, what kind of guy calls a girl on the phone and says I love you??? Except for weird psycho stalkers? And Kenny's not a weird psycho stalker. He's just Kenny. So what's he doing calling me on the phone and telling me he loves me????

And then, brilliant me, here's what I do. Because he was still on the phone, waiting for an answer, and all. So I go: Me: Um, okay.

Um, okay.

A boy says he loves me, and this is how I respond: "Um, okay." Oh, yeah, good thing my future career lies in the diplomatic corps.

So then, poor Kenny, he's like waiting for some response other than "Um, okay," as anybody would.

But I am perfectly incapable of giving him one. Instead, I just go: Me: Well, see you tomorrow.

AND I HUNG UP!!!!!.

Oh, my G.o.d, I am the meanest, most ungrateful girl in the world. After Sebastiano kills me, I am going to burn in h.e.l.l.

Seriously.

TO DO BEFORE LEAVING FOR GENOVIA.

Detailed list for Mom and Mr. G: How to care for Fat Louie while I am away Stock up on cat food, litter Christmas/Hannukah presents! For: Mom-electric breast pump? Check on this.

Mr. G-new drumsticks

Dad-book on vegetarianism. He should eat better if he wants to keep his cancer in remission.

Lilly-what she always wants, blank videotapes for her show

LarsSee if Prada makes a shoulder holster that would fit his Glock

Kenny-gloves? Something NON-romantic

Fat Louie-catnip ball

GrandmereWhat do you get for the woman who has everything, including an eighty-nine-carat sapphire pendant given to her by the Sultan of Brunei? Soap on a rope?

Break up with Kenny. . . . Only how can I? He LOVES me.

But not enough to ask me to the Nondenominational Winter Dance, I've noticed.

Monday, December 8, Homeroom

Lilly doesn't believe me about Kenny calling and saying he loves me. I told her in the car on the way to school this morning (thank G.o.d Michael had a dentist appointment and wasn't there. I would sooner die than discuss my love life in front of him. It's bad enough having to discuss it in front of my bodyguard. If I had to discuss it in front of this person I've been wors.h.i.+ping for half my life, I think I'd probably go completely borderline personality disorder).

Anyway, so Lilly went, "I categorically refuse to believe Kenny would do something like that."

"Lilly," I said. I had to keep my voice down so the driver wouldn't hear. "I am dead serious. He told me he loves me. I love you. That is what he said. It was completely random and weird."

"He probably didn't say that. He probably said something else, and you misunderstood him."

"Oh, what? I glove you?"

"Well, of course not," Lilly said. "That doesn't even make any sense."

"Well, then what? What could Kenny have said that sounded like I love you, but wasn't I love you?"

Lilly got mad then. She went, "You know, you have been acting weird about Kenny for the past month. Since the two of you started going out, practically. I don't know what's wrong with you. All I ever heard before was 'Why don't I have a boyfriend? How come everybody I know has a boyfriend but me? When am I going to get a boyfriend?' And now you've got one and you aren't the least bit appreciative of him."

Even though what she was saying was true, I acted offended, because I have been trying really hard not to let the fact that I am not in love with Kenny show.

"That is so false," I said. "I completely appreciate Kenny."

"Oh, yeah? I think the truth of the matter is, you, Mia, simply aren't ready to have a boyfriend."

Boy did I see red after that remark.

"Me? Not ready to have a boyfriend? Are you kidding? I've been waiting my whole life to have a boyfriend!"

"Well, if that's true"-Lilly was looking very superior-"why won't you let him kiss you on the lips?"

"Where did you hear that?" I demanded.

"Kenny told Boris, of course, who told me."

"Oh, great," I said, trying to remain calm. "So now our boyfriends are talking about us behind our backs. And you're condoning this?"

"Of course not," Lilly said. "But I do find it intriguing, from a psychological point of view."

This is the problem with being best friends with someone whose parents are psychiatrists. Everything you do is interesting to them from a psychological point of view.

"Where I let anybody kiss me," I exploded, "is my business! Not yours, and not Boris's, either."

"Well," Lilly said. "I'm just saying, if Kenny did say what you say he said-you know, the L word-then maybe he said it because he can't express the depth of his feelings any other way. You know. Other than verbally. Since you won't let him, physically."

So I suppose that technically I should be thankful that Kenny chose merely to say the words I love you, rather than enacting them physically, which, G.o.d knows, might have actually involved his tongue.

Oh, G.o.d, I don't even want to think about it anymore.

Monday, December 8, Homeroom

They just pa.s.sed out the final exam schedules. Here is mine: FINAL EXAM SCHEDULE.

December 15 Reading Day December 16 Periods One and Two For me, that means the Algebra and English finals will be on the same day. But that's okay. I'm doing pretty good in English. Well, except for that sentence diagramming thing. As if I'll ever need to do that in my future role as princess of the smallest nation in Europe.

Unfortunately, Algebra, I am told, I will probably need to know. d.a.m.n!

December 17 Periods Three and Four World Civ: Easy. I mean, Grandmere has told me enough stories about postWorld War II Europe for me to pa.s.s any test. I probably know more about it than the teacher. And PE? How can you give a final in PE? We already had the Presidential Fitness Test (I did okay on everything but the V-sit reach).

December 18 Periods Five, Six, and Seven Gifted and Talented? No exam there. They don't give finals in cla.s.ses that are basically study hall. That will be a snap. I have French sixth period. I do okay in oral, not so great in written. Fortunately Tina's in the same cla.s.s. Maybe we can study together.

But I have Bio seventh period. That won't be so easy. The only reason I'm not flunking Bio is because of Kenny. He slips me most of the answers.

And if I break up with him, that will be the end of that.

December 19 Nondenominational Winter Carnival and Dance The Winter Carnival should be fun. All the different school clubs and groups are going to have booths, with traditional winter fare, like hot cider. This will be followed in the evening by the dance I am supposed to go to with Kenny. If he ever asks me to it, I mean.

Unless, of course, I do the right thing and break up with him.

In which case, I won't be able to go at all, because you can't go without a date.

I wish Sebastiano would just hurry up and off me already.

Monday, December 8, Algebra

WHY???? WHY can't I ever remember my Algebra notebook?????

FIRST-Evaluate exponents SECOND-Multiply and divide in order, left to right THIRD-Perform addition and subtraction in order, left to right EXAMPLE: 2 x 3 15 5 = 6 3 = 3 Oh, G.o.d. Lana Weinberger just tossed me a note.

What now? This can't be good. Lana's had it out for me forever. Don't ask me why. I mean, I could kind of understand her resenting me for when Josh Richter asked me to the Cultural Diversity Dance instead of her. But he only asked me because of the princess thing-and they got back together right after. Besides, Lana hated me long before that.

So I open the note. Here's what it says: I heard what happened to you at the skating rink this weekend. Guess the BF is going to have to wait a little longer if he wants to see any tongue action, huh?

Oh, my G.o.d. Does everyone in the entire school know that Kenny and I have not yet French kissed?

It is all Kenny's fault, of course.

What next? The cover of the Post?

I'm telling you, if our parents knew what actually goes on every day in the typical American high school, they would totally opt for homeschooling.