Scotch Wit and Humor Part 46

=Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers=

There was wee Scotty, o' the Coogate Kirk; and a famous preacher he was at the height o' his popularity. But he was sadly bathered wi' his flock, for they kept him aye in het water.

Ae day he was preaching on Job. "My brethren," says he, "Job, in the first place, was a sairly-tried man; Job, in the second place, was an uncommonly patient man; Job, in the third place, never preached in the Coogate; fourthly and lastly, had Job preached _there_, the Lord help his patience."

At anither time, before the service began, when there was a great noise o' folk gaun into their seats, he got up in the pu'pit an' cried out--"Oh, that I could hear the pence rattle in the plate at the door wi' half the noise ye mak' wi' yer cheepin' shoon! Oh, that Paul had been here wi' a long wudden ladle! for yer coppers are strangers in a far country, an' as for yer silver an' gold--let us pray!"

An' there was Deddy Weston, wha began ane o' his Sunday morning services in this manner: "My brethren, I'll divide my discourse the day into three heads: _Firstly_, I'll tell ye something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. _Secondly_, I'll tell ye something that you ken, an' I dinna ken.

_Thirdly_, I'll tell ye something that neither you nor me ken.

_Firstly_, Coming ower a stile this mornin', my breeks got an unco'

skreed. That's something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. _Secondly_, What you're gaun to gie Charlie Waddie, the tailor, for mendin' my breeks, is what you ken, an' I dinna ken. _Thirdly_, What Charlie Waddie's to tak'

for mendin' my breeks, is what neither you nor me ken. _Finally and lastly_, Hand round the ladle."

An' there was Doctor Dabster, that could pit a bottle or twa under his belt, an' was neither up nor down. But an unco' bitter body was he when there was a sma' collection. Before the service began, the beadle generally handed him a slip of paper stating the amount collected. Ae day a' the siller gathered was only twa' s.h.i.+llin's an' ninepence; an' he could never get this out o' his head through the whole of his sermon.

He was aye s.p.u.n.kin oot noo an' then. "It's the land o' Canawn ye're thrang strivin' after," says he; "The land o' Canawn, eh?--twa an'

ninepence! yes, ye're sure to gang there! I think I see ye! Nae doot ye'll think yersel's on the richt road for't. Ask yer consciences, an'

see what they'll say. Ask them, an' see what they'll say. Ask them, an'

what _will_ they say? I'll tell ye: 'Twa miserable s.h.i.+llin's an'

ninepence is puir pa.s.sage-money for sic a lang journey!' What?

Twa-an'-ninepence! As weel micht a coo gang up a tree tail foremost, an'

whistle like a superannuated mavis, as get to Canawn for that!" [26]

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Said by Burns, at the request of the Earl of Selkirk.