The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 64

_Sol._ Just as clean as a _Paris_ common Sh.o.r.e in _Maburtus_'s Road, or a common House of Office.

_Cart._ I am afraid it stinks worse in the Nostrils of G.o.d and his Angels.

_Sol._ Well, but I have had Chiding enough, now speak to the Matter, of something to bear my Charges.

_Cart._ I have nothing to give you, but I'll go and try what the Prior will do.

_Sol._ If any Thing was to be given, your Hands would be ready to receive it; but now there are a great many Difficulties in the Way, when something is to be paid.

_Cart._ As to what others do, let them look to that, I have no Hands, either to give or take Money: But we'll talk more of these Matters after Dinner, for it is now Time to sit down at Table.

_PHILETYMUS and PSEUDOCHEUS._

The ARGUMENT.

_This Colloquy sets forth the Disposition and Nature of a Liar, who seems to be born to lie for crafty Gain. A Liar is a Thief. Gain got by Lying, is baser than that which is got by a Tax upon Urine. An egregious Method of deceiving is laid open. Cheating Tradesmen live better than honest ones._

_PHILETYMUS and PSEUDOCHEUS._

_Phil._ From what Fountain does this Flood of Lies flow?

_Pseud._ From whence do Spiders Webs proceed?

_Phil._ Then it is not the _Product_ of Art, but of Nature.

_Pseud._ The Seeds indeed proceed from Nature; but Art and Use have enlarg'd the Faculty.

_Phil._ Why, are you not asham'd of it?

_Pseud._ No more than a Cuckow is of her Singing.

_Phil._ But you can alter your Note upon every Occasion. The Tongue of Man was given him to speak the Truth.

_Pseud._ Ay, to speak those Things that tend to his Profit: The Truth is not to be spoken at all Times.

_Phil._ It is sometimes for a Man's Advantage to have pilfering Hands; and the old Proverb is a Witness, that that is a Vice that is Cousin-German to yours of Lying.

_Pseud._ Both these Vices are supported by good Authorities: One has _Ulysses_, so much commended by _Homer_, and the other has _Mercury_, that was a G.o.d, for its Example, if we believe the Poets.

_Phil._ Why then do People in common curse Liars, and hang Thieves?

_Pseud._ Not because they lie or steal, but because they do it bunglingly or unnaturally, not rightly understanding the Art.

_Phil._ Is there any Author that teaches the Art of Lying?

_Pseud._ Your Rhetoricians have instructed in the best Part of the Art.

_Phil._ These indeed present us with the Art of well speaking.

_Pseud._ True: and the good Part of speaking well, is to lie cleverly.

_Phil._ What is clever Lying?

_Pseud._ Would you have me define it?

_Phil._ I would have you do it.

_Pseud._ It is to lie so, that you may get Profit by it, and not be caught in a Lie.

_Phil._ But a great many are caught in lying every Day.

_Pseud._ That's because they are not perfect Masters of the Art.

_Phil._ Are you a perfect Master in it?

_Pseud._ In a Manner.

_Phil._ See, if you can tell me a Lie, so as to deceive me.

_Pseud._ Yes, best of Men, I can deceive you yourself, if I have a Mind to it.

_Phil._ Well, tell me some Lie or other then.

_Pseud._ Why, I have told one already, and did you not catch me in it?

_Phil._ No.

_Pseud._ Come on, listen attentively; now I'll begin to lie then.

_Phil._ I do listen attentively; tell one.

_Pseud._ Why, I have told another Lie, and you have not caught me.

_Phil._ In Truth, I hear no Lie yet.

_Pseud._ You would have heard some, if you understood the Art.

_Phil._ Do you shew it me then.

_Pseud._ First of all, I call'd you the best of Men, is not that a swinging Lie, when you are not so much as good? And if you were good, you could not be said to be the best, there are a thousand others better than you.

_Phil._ Here, indeed, you have deceiv'd me.

_Pseud._ Well, now try if you can catch me again in another Lie.