The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 99

_Ph._ I can't tell whether you speak as you think or no; but you set me agog however, to be paying more of these Fellows in their own Coin.

_The BEGGARS DIALOGUE._

The ARGUMENT.

_The Beggars Dialogue paints out the cheating, crafty Tricks of Beggars, who make a Shew of being full of Sores, and make a Profession of Palmistry, and other Arts by which they impose upon many Persons. Nothing is more like Kings.h.i.+p, than the Life of a Beggar._

IRIDES, MISOPONUS.

_Ir._ What new Sort of Bird is this I see flying here? I know the Face, but the Cloaths don't suit it. If I'm not quite mistaken, this is _Misoponus_. I'll venture to speak to him, as ragged as I am. G.o.d save you, _Misoponus_.

_Mis._ Hold your Tongue, I say.

_Ir._ What's the Matter, mayn't a Body salute you?

_Mis._ Not by that Name.

_Ir._ Why, what has happen'd to you? Are you not the same Man that you was? What, have you changed your Name with your Cloaths?

_Mis._ No, but I have taken up my old Name again.

_Ir._ Who was you then?

_Mis._ _Apitius_.

_Ir._ Never be asham'd of your old Acquaintance, if any Thing of a better Fortune has happen'd to you. It is not long since you belong'd to our Order.

_Mis._ Prithee, come hither, and I'll tell you the whole Story. I am not asham'd of your Order; but I am asham'd of the Order that I was first of myself.

_Ir._ What Order do you mean? That of the _Franciscans_?

_Mis._ No, by no Means, my good Friend; but the Order of the Spendthrifts.

_Ir._ In Truth, you have a great many Companions of that Order.

_Mis._ I had a good Fortune, I spent lavishly, and when I began to be in Want, no Body knew _Apitius_. I ran away for Shame, and betook myself to your College: I lik'd that better than digging.

_Ir._ Very wisely done; but how comes your Body to be in so good Case of late? For as to your Change of Cloaths, I don't so much wonder at that.

_Mis._ Why so?

_Ir._ Because the G.o.ddess _Laverna_ makes many rich on a sudden.

_Mis._ What! do you think I got an Estate by Thieving then?

_Ir._ Nay, perhaps more idly, by Rapine.

_Mis._ No, I swear by your G.o.ddess _Penia_, neither by Thieving, nor by Rapine. But first I'll satisfy you as to the State of my Body, which seems to you to be the most admirable.

_Ir._ For when you were with us, you were all over full of Sores.

_Mis._ But I have since made Use of a very friendly Physician.

_Ir._ Who?

_Mis._ No other Person but myself, unless you think any Body is more friendly to me, than I am to myself.

_Ir._ But I never knew you understood Physick before.

_Mis._ Why all that Dress was nothing but a Cheat I had daub'd on with Paints, Frankincense, Brimstone, Rosin, Birdlime, and Clouts dipp'd in Blood; and what I put on, when I pleas'd I took off again.

_Ir._ O Impostor! Nothing appear'd more miserable than you were. You might have acted the Part of Job in a Tragedy.

_Mis._ My Necessity made me do it, though Fortune sometimes is apt to change the Skin too.

_Ir._ Well then, tell me of your Fortune. Have you found a Treasure?

_Mis._ No; but I have found out a Way of getting Money that's a little better than yours.

_Ir._ What could you get Money out of, that had no Stock?

_Mis._ _An Artist will live any where._

_Ir._ I understand you now, you mean the Art of picking Pockets.

_Mis._ Not so hard upon me, I pray; I mean the Art of Chymistry.

_Ir._ Why 'tis scarce above a Fortnight, since you went away from us, and have you in that Time learn'd an Art, that others can hardly learn in many Years?

_Mis._ But I have got a shorter Way.

_Ir._ Prithee, what Way?

_Mis._ When I had gotten almost four Guineas by your Art, I happened, as good Luck would have it, to fall into the Company of an old Companion of mine, who had manag'd his Matters in the World no better than I had done. We went to drink together; he began, as the common Custom is, to tell of his Adventures. I made a Bargain with him to pay his Reckoning, upon Condition that he should faithfully teach me his Art. He taught it me very honestly, and now 'tis my Livelihood.

_Ir._ Mayn't a Body learn it?

_Mis._ I'll teach it you for nothing, for old Acquaintance Sake. You know, that there are every where a great many that are very fond of this Art.

_Ir._ I have heard so, and I believe it is true.

_Mis._ I take all Opportunities of insinuating myself into their Acquaintance, and talk big of my Art, and where-ever I find an hungry Sea-Cob, I throw him out a Bait.