The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 17

"That be right enough. Zounds! it be right enough. Haw! haw! haw!"

"You never want a second dose," said the Don, "do you?"

"No, sir-never wants moore 'an one dose; but 'ow comes it, if you please, sir, that these 'ere Chancery chaps have changed their tack; be it they've tried 'onest men so long that they be gwine to 'ave a slap at the thieves for a change?"

"Look 'ere," said the worthy O'Rapley, "you will certainly see the inside of a jail before you set eyes on the outside of a haystack, if you go on like that. It's contempt of court to speak of Her Majesty's Judges as 'chaps'."

"Beg pardon, sir," said b.u.mpkin, "but we must all 'ave a larnin'. I didn't mane no disruspect to the Lord Judge; but I wur only a axin' jist the same as you might ax me about anythink on my farm."

And I saw that they proceeded thus in edifying conversation until they came to the Thames embankment. It was somewhat difficult to preserve his presence of mind as Mr. b.u.mpkin descended the gangway and stepped on board the boat, which was belching forth its volumes of black smoke and rocking under the influence of the wash of a steamer that had just left the pier.

"I doant much like these 'ere booats," said he. "Doant mind my old punt, but dang these 'ere s.h.i.+ps."

"There's no danger," said the O'Rapley, springing on board as though he had been a pilot: and then making a motion with his arm as if he was delivering a regular "length ball," his fist unfortunately came down on Mr. b.u.mpkin's white hat, in consequence of a sudden jerk of the vessel; a rocking boat not being the best of places for the delivery of length b.a.l.l.s.

Mr. b.u.mpkin looked round quite in the wrong direction for ascertaining what was the cause of the sudden shock to his nervous system and his hat.

"Zounds!" said he, "what were thic?"

"What was what?" asked O'Rapley.

"Summut gie me a crack o' the top o' my 'ead like a thunderbolt."

"I didn't see anything fall," said the Don.

"Noa; but I felt un, which I allows wur more'n seein'-lookee 'ere."

And taking off his huge beaver he showed the dent of Mr. O'Rapley's fist.

"Bless me," said the roundhand bowler, "it's like a crack with a cricket ball."

But there was no time for further examination of the extraordinary circ.u.mstance, for the crowd of pa.s.sengers poured along and pushed this way and that, so that the two friends were fairly driven to the fore part of the boat, where they took their seats. It was quite a new world to Mr. b.u.mpkin, and more like a dream than a reality. As he stared at the different buildings he was too much amazed even to enquire what was this or what was that. But when they pa.s.sed under the Suspension Bridge, and the chimney ducked her head and the smoke came out of the "stump," as Mr.

b.u.mpkin termed it, he thought she had struck and broken short off. Mr.

O'Rapley explained this phenomenon, as he did many others on their route; and when they came to Cleopatra's Needle he gave such information as he possessed concerning that ancient work. Mr. b.u.mpkin looked as though he were not to be taken in.

"I be up to 'ee, sir," said he. "I s'pose that air thing the t'other side were the needle-case?"

The O'Rapley informed him that it was a shot tower where they made shot.

Mr. b.u.mpkin laughed heartily at this; he was not to be taken in by any manner of means; was far too sharp for that.

"And I spoase," said he, "they makes the guns-"

"In Gunnersbury," said Mr. O'Rapley; it was no use to be serious.

"I thought thee were gwine to say in a gun pit, but I don't mind thy chaff, Master Rapley, and shall be mighty proud to see thee down at Southood for a day's shoot-in': and mind thee bring some o' these ere shot with thee that be made at yon tower, haw! haw! haw! Thee'll kill a white-tailed crow then, I shouldn't wonder; thee knows a white-tailed crow, doan't thee, Master Rapley, when thee sees un-and danged if I doan't gie thee a quart bottle o' pigeon's milk to tak' wi' thee; haw!

haw! haw!"

The O'Rapley laughed heartily at these witty sallies, for b.u.mpkin was so jolly, and took everything in such good part, that he could not but enjoy his somewhat misplaced sarcasms.

"Now you've heard of Waterloo, I dare say," said Mr. O'Rapley.

"Yes, I've 'eeard tell on un, and furder, my grand-feather wur out theer."

"Well, this that we are coming to is Waterloo Bridge."

"Yes," said b.u.mpkin, "it be a bridge, but it bean't Worterloo more 'an I be my grandfearther-what de think o' that-haw! haw! haw!"

"Good," said O'Rapley; "that's quite right, but this is the bridge named after the battle."

"Zo't be neamed artur un because it worn't named afore un, haw! haw! haw!

Good agin, Maister Rapley, thee got it."

Mr. O'Rapley found that any attempt to convey instruction was useless, so he said:-

"Joking apart, Mr. b.u.mpkin, you see that man sitting over there with the wideawake hat?"

"D'ye mane near the noase o' the s.h.i.+p?"

"Well, the nose if you like."

"I zee un-chap wi' red faace, blue 'ankercher, and white spots?"

"That's the man. Well, now, you'd never guess who he is?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin certainly would have been a sharp man if he could.

"Well," continued the Don, "that man gets his living by bringing actions.

No matter who it is or what, out comes the writ and down he comes for damages."

"Hem! that be rum, too, bean't it?"

"Yes, he's always looking out for accidents; if he hears o' one, down he comes with his pocket-book, gets 'old o' some chap that's injured, or thinks he is, and out comes the writ."

"What be he then?"

"A scamp-works in the name of some broken-down attorney, and pays him for the use of it."

"So he can work the lor like wirout being a loryer?"

"That's it-and, lor' bless you, he's got such a way with him that if he was to come and talk to you for five minutes, he'd have a writ out against you in the morning."

"Ain't it rayther cold at this eend o' the booat," asked Mr. b.u.mpkin, "I feel a little chilly loike."

"No," said the Don, "we just caught the wind at that corner, that was all."

But Mr. b.u.mpkin kept his eye on the artful man, with a full determination to "have no truck wi' un."