Jokes For All Occasions Part 75

"Is that me?" she queried.

"Yes, madam," replied the artist.

"And is it like me?" she again asked.

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."

_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very well.

_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose.

TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER

A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.

"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"

she replied. "What else should I be doing?"

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"

_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.

_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!

_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?

_Pa.s.senger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.

_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playing to-morrow night?

_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell," Madam.

_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?

_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.

_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?

_Stenographer:_ No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want to.

_Sympathetic Lady:_ What's the matter with your hand, my little man?

_Boy:_ Sawed the top of my finger off.

_Sympathetic Lady:_ Dear, dear, how did you do that?

_Boy:_ Sawing.

REMEMBERED

Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has.

"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.

"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."

An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.

"And do you remember me, my little man?"

"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."

NATURAL DEDUCTION

"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.

"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.

"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."

"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this morning?"