Discworld - The Colour of Magic Part 24

There was a woman standing in the pre-dawn light. She looked-she was-she had a-in point of actual fact she...

Later Rincewind and Twoflower couldn't quite agree on any single fact about her, except that she had appeared to be beautiful (precisely what physical features made her beautiful they could not, definitively, state) and that she had green eyes. Not the pale green of ordinary eyes, either-these were the green of fresh emeralds and as iridescent as a dragonfly. And one of the few genuinely magical facts that Rincewind knew was that no G.o.d or G.o.ddess, contrary and volatile as they might be in all other respects, could change the color or nature of their eyes...

"L-" he began. She raised a hand.

"You know that if you say my name I must depart," she hissed. "Surely you recall that I am the one G.o.ddess who comes only when not invoked?"

"Uh. Yes, I suppose I do," croaked the wizard, trying not to look at the eyes. "You're the one they call the Lady?"

"Yes."

"Are you a G.o.ddess then?" said Twoflower excitedly. "I've always wanted to meet one."

Rincewind tensed, waiting for the explosion of rage. Instead, the Lady merely smiled.

"Your friend the wizard should introduce us," she said.

Rincewind coughed. "Uh, yar," he said. "This is Twoflower, Lady, he's a tourist-"

"-I have attended him on a number of occasions-"

"-and, Twoflower, this is the Lady. Just Just the Lady, right? Nothing else. Don't try and give her any other name, okay?" he went on desperately, his eyes darting meaningful glances that were totally lost on the little man. the Lady, right? Nothing else. Don't try and give her any other name, okay?" he went on desperately, his eyes darting meaningful glances that were totally lost on the little man.

Rincewind s.h.i.+vered. He was not, of course, an atheist; on the Disc the G.o.ds dealt severely with atheists. On the few occasions when he had some spare change he had always made a point of dropping a few coppers into a temple coffer, somewhere, on the principle that a man needed all the friends he could get. But usually he didn't bother the G.o.ds, and he hoped the G.o.ds wouldn't bother him. Life was quite complicated enough.

There were two G.o.ds, however, who were really terrifying. The rest of the G.o.ds were usually only sort of large-scale humans, fond of wine and war and whoring. But Fate and the Lady were chilling.

In the G.o.ds' Quarter, in Ankh-Morpork, Fate had a small, heavy, leaden temple, where hollow-eyed and gaunt wors.h.i.+ppers met on dark nights for their predestined and fairly pointless rites. There were no temples at all to the Lady, although she was arguably the most powerful G.o.ddess in the entire history of Creation. A few of the more daring members of the Gamblers' Guild had once experimented with a form of wors.h.i.+p, in the deepest cellars of Guild headquarters, and had all died of penury, murder or just Death within the week. She was the G.o.ddess Who Must Not Be Named; those who sought her never found her, yet she was known to come to the aid of those in greatest need. And, then again, sometimes she didn't. She was like that. She didn't like the clicking of rosaries, but was attracted to the sound of dice. No man knew what She looked like, although there were many times when a man who was gambling his life on the turn of the cards would pick up the hand he had been dealt and stare Her full in the face. Of course, sometimes he didn't. Among all the G.o.ds she was at one and the same time the most courted and the most cursed.

"We don't have G.o.ds where I come from," said Two flower.

"You do, you know," said the Lady. "Everyone has G.o.ds. You just don't think they're G.o.ds."

Rincewind shook himself mentally.

"Look," he said. "I don't want to sound impatient, but in a few minutes some people are going to come through that door and take us away and kill us."

"Yes," said the Lady.

"I suppose you wouldn't tell us why why?" said Twoflower.

"Yes," said the Lady. "The Krullians intend to launch a bronze vessel over the edge of the Disc. Their prime purpose is to learn the s.e.x of A'Tuin the World Turtle."

"Seems rather pointless," said Rincewind.

"No. Consider. One day Great A'Tuin may encounter another member of the species chelys galactica chelys galactica, somewhere in the vast night in which we move. Will they fight? Will they mate? A little imagination will show you that the s.e.x of Great A'Tuin could be very important to us. At least, so the Krullians say."

Rincewind tried not to think of World Turtles mating. It wasn't completely easy.

"So," continued the G.o.ddess, "they intend to launch this s.h.i.+p of s.p.a.ce, with two voyagers aboard. It will be the culmination of decades of research. It will also be very dangerous for the travelers. And so, in an attempt to reduce the risks, the Arch-astronomer of Krull has bargained with Fate to sacrifice two men at the moment of launch. Fate, in His turn, has agreed to smile on the s.p.a.ce s.h.i.+p. A neat barter, is it not?"

"And we're the sacrifices," said Rincewind.

"Yes."

"I thought Fate didn't go in for that sort of bargaining. I thought Fate was implaccable," said Rincewind.

"Normally, yes. But you two have been thorns in his side for some time. He specified that the sacrifices should be you. He allowed you to escape from the pirates. He allowed you to drift into the Circ.u.mfence. Fate can be one mean G.o.d at times."

There was a pause. The frog sighed and wandered off under the table.

"But you can help us?" prompted Twoflower.

"You amuse me," said the Lady. "I have a sentimental streak. You'd know that, if you were gamblers. So for a little while I rode in a frog's mind and you kindly rescued me, for, as we all know, no one likes to see pathetic and helpless creatures swept to their death."

"Thank you," said Rincewind.

"The whole mind of Fate is bent against you," said the Lady. "But all I can do is give you one chance. Just one, small chance. The rest is up to you."

She vanished.

"Gosh," said Twoflower, after a while. "That's the first time I've ever seen a G.o.ddess."

The door swung open. Garhartra entered, holding a wand in front of him. Behind him were two guards, armed more conventionally with swords.

"Ah," he said conversationally. "You are ready, I see."

Ready said a voice inside Rincewind's head. said a voice inside Rincewind's head.

The bottle that the wizard had flung some eight hours earlier had been hanging in the air, imprisoned by magic in its own personal time-field. But during all those hours the original mana of the spell had been slowly leaking away until the total magical energy was no longer sufficient to hold it against the universe's own powerful normality field, and when that happened Reality snapped back in a matter of microseconds. The visible sign of this was that the bottle suddenly completed the last part of its parabola and burst against the side of the Guestmaster's head, showering the guards with gla.s.s and jellyfish wine.

Rincewind grabbed Twoflower's arm, kicked the nearest guard in the groin, and dragged the startled tourist into the corridor. Before the stunned Garhartra had sunk to the floor his two guests were already pounding across distant flagstones.

Rincewind skidded around a corner and found himself on a balcony that ran around the four sides of a courtyard. Below them, most of the floor of the yard was taken up by an ornamental pond in which a few terrapins sunbathed among the lily leaves.

And ahead of Rincewind were a couple of very surprised wizards wearing the distinctive dark blue and black robes of trained hydrophobes. One of them, quicker on the uptake than his companion, raised a hand and began the first words of a spell.

There was a short sharp noise by Rincewind's side. Twoflower had spat. The hydrophobe screamed and dropped his hand as though it had been stung.

The other didn't have time to move before Rincewind was on him, fists swinging wildly. One stiff punch with the weight of terror behind it sent the man tumbling over the balcony rail and into the pond, which did a very strange thing; the water smacked aside as though a large invisible balloon had been dropped into it, and the hydrophobe hung screaming in his own revulsion field.

Twoflower watched him in amazement until Rincewind s.n.a.t.c.hed at his shoulder and indicated a likely looking pa.s.sage. They hurried down it, leaving the remaining hydrophobe writhing on the floor and s.n.a.t.c.hing at his damp hand.

For a while there was some shouting behind them, but they scuttled along a cross corridor and another courtyard and soon left the sounds of pursuit behind. Finally Rincewind picked a safe looking door, peered around it, found the room beyond to be unoccupied, dragged Twoflower inside, and slammed it behind him. Then he leaned against it, wheezing horribly.

"We're totally lost in a palace on an island we haven't a hope of leaving," he panted. "And what's more we-hey!" he finished, as the sight of the contents of the room filtered up his deranged optic nerves.

Twoflower was already staring at the walls.

Because what was so odd about the room was, it contained the whole universe.

Death sat in His garden, running a whetstone along the edge of His scythe. It was already so sharp that any pa.s.sing breeze that blew across it was sliced smoothly into two puzzled zephyrs, although breezes were rare indeed in Death's silent garden. It lay on a sheltered plateau overlooking the Discworld's complex dimensions, and behind it loomed the cold, still, immensely high and brooding mountains of Eternity.

Swis.h.!.+ went the stone. Death hummed a dirge, and tapped one bony foot on the frosty flagstones.

Someone approached through the dim orchard where the nightapples grew, and there came the sickly sweet smell of crushed lilies. Death looked up angrily, and found Himself staring into eyes that were black as the inside of a cat and full of distant stars that had no counterpart among the familiar constellations of the Realtime universe.

Death and Fate looked at each other. Death grinned-He had no alternative, of course, being made of implaccable bone. The whetstone sang rhythmically along the blade as He continued His task.

"I have a task for you," said Fate. His words drifted across Death's scythe and split tidily into two ribbons of consonants and vowels.

I HAVE TASKS ENOUGH THIS DAY HAVE TASKS ENOUGH THIS DAY, said Death in a voice as heavy as neutronium. THE WHITE PLAGUE ABIDES EVEN NOW IN P PSEUDOPOLIS AND I I AM BOUND THERE TO RESCUE MANY OF ITS CITIZENS FROM HIS GRASP AM BOUND THERE TO RESCUE MANY OF ITS CITIZENS FROM HIS GRASP. SUCH A ONE HAS NOT BEEN SEEN THESE HUNDRED YEARS. I AM EXPECTED TO STALK THE STREETS AM EXPECTED TO STALK THE STREETS, AS IS MY DUTY AS IS MY DUTY.

"I refer to the matter of the little wanderer and the rogue wizard," said Fate softly, seating himself beside Death's black-robed form and staring down at the distant, multifaceted jewel which was the Disc universe as seen from this extra-dimensional vantage point.

The scythe ceased its song.

"They die in a few hours," said Fate. "It is fated."

Death stirred, and the stone began to move again.

"I thought you would be pleased," said Fate.

Death shrugged, a particularly expressive gesture for someone whose visible shape was that of a skeleton.

I DID INDEED CHASE THEM MIGHTILY, ONCE DID INDEED CHASE THEM MIGHTILY, ONCE, he said, BUT AT LAST THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME THAT SOONER OR LATER ALL MEN MUST DIE BUT AT LAST THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME THAT SOONER OR LATER ALL MEN MUST DIE. EVERYTHING DIES IN THE END. I CAN BE ROBBED BUT NEVER DENIED CAN BE ROBBED BUT NEVER DENIED, I TOLD MYSELF. WHY WORRY TOLD MYSELF. WHY WORRY?

"I too cannot be cheated," snapped Fate.

SO I I HAVE HEARD HAVE HEARD, said Death, still grinning.

"Enough!" shouted Fate, jumping to his feet. "They will die!" He vanished in a sheet of blue fire.

Death nodded to Himself and continued at His work. After some minutes the edge of the blade seemed to be finished to His satisfaction. He stood up and leveled the scythe at the fat and noisome candle that burned on the edge of the bench and then, with two deft sweeps, cut the flame into three bright slivers. Death grinned.

A short while later he was saddling his white stallion, which lived in a stable at the back of Death's cottage. The beast snuffled at him in a friendly fas.h.i.+on; though it was crimson-eyed and had flanks like oiled silk, it was nevertheless a real flesh-and-blood horse and, indeed, was in all probability better treated than most beasts of burden on the Disc. Death was not an unkind master. He weighed very little and, although He often rode back with His saddlebags bulging, they weighed nothing whatsoever.

"All those worlds!" said Twoflower. "It's fantastic!"

Rincewind grunted, and continued to prowl warily around the star-filled room. Twoflower turned to a complicated astrolabe, in the center of which was the entire Great A'Tuin-Elephant-Disc system wrought in bra.s.s and picked out with tiny jewels. Around it stars and planets wheeled on fine silver wires.

"Fantastic!" he said again. On the walls around him constellations made of tiny phosph.o.r.escent seed pearls had been picked out on vast tapestries made of jet-black velvet, giving the room's occupants the impression of floating in the interstellar gulf. Various easels held huge sketches of Great A'Tuin as viewed from various parts of the Circ.u.mfence, with every mighty scale and cratered pock-mark meticulously marked in. Twoflower stared about him with a faraway look in his eyes.

Rincewind was deeply troubled. What troubled him most of all were the two suits that hung from supports in the center of the room. He circled them uneasily.

They appeared to be made of fine white leather, hung about with straps and bra.s.s nozzles and other highly unfamiliar and suspicious contrivances. The leggings ended in high, thick-soled boots, and the arms were shoved into big supple gauntlets. Strangest of all were the big copper helmets that were obviously supposed to fit on heavy collars around the neck of the suits. The helmets were almost certainly useless for protection-a light sword would have no difficulty in splitting them, even if it didn't hit the ridiculous little gla.s.s windows in the front. Each helmet had a crest of white feathers on top, which went absolutely no way at all toward improving their overall appearance.

Rincewind was beginning to have the glimmerings of a suspicion about those suits.

In front of them was a table covered with celestial charts and sc.r.a.ps of parchment covered with figures. Whoever would be wearing those suits, Rincewind decided, was expecting to boldly go where no man-other than the occasional luckless sailor, who didn't really count-had boldly gone before, and he was now beginning to get not just a suspicion but a horrible premonition.

He turned around and found Twoflower looking at him with a speculative expression.

"No-" began Rincewind, urgently. Twoflower ignored him.

"The G.o.ddess said two men were going to be sent over the Edge," he said, his eyes gleaming, "and you remember Tethis the troll saying you'd need some kind of protection? The Krullians have got over that. These are suits of s.p.a.ce s.p.a.ce armor." armor."

"They don't look very roomy to me," said Rincewind hurriedly, and grabbed the tourist by the arm, "so if you'd just come on, no sense in staying here-"

"Why must you always panic panic?" asked Twoflower petulantly.

"Because the whole of my future life just flashed in front of my eyes, and it didn't take very long, and if you don't move now I'm going to leave without you because any second now you're going to suggest that we put on-"

The door opened.

Two husky young men stepped into the room. All they were wearing was a pair of woolen pants apiece. One of them was still toweling himself briskly. They both nodded at the two escapees with no apparent surprise.

The taller of the two men sat down on one of the benches in front of the seats. He beckoned to Rincewind, and said: "?Ty yur tl h sooten gtrunen?"

And this was awkward, because although Rincewind considered himself an expert in most of the tongues of the western segments of the Disc it was the first time that he had ever been addressed in Krullian, and he did not understand one word of it. Neither did Twoflower, but that did not stop him stepping forward and taking a breath.

The speed of light through a magical aura such as the one that surrounded the Disc was quite slow, being not much faster than the speed of sound in less highly tuned universes. But it was still the fastest thing around with the exception, in moments like this, of Rincewind's mind.

In an instant he became aware that the tourist was about to try his own peculiar brand of linguistics, which meant that he would speak loudly and slowly in his own language.

Rincewind's elbow shot back, knocking the breath from Twoflower's body. When the little man looked up in pain and astonishment Rincewind caught his eye and pulled an imaginary tongue out of his mouth and cut it with an imaginary pair of scissors.

The second chelonaut-for such was the profession of the men whose fate it would shortly be to voyage to Great A'Tuin-looked up from the chart table and watched this in puzzlement. His big heroic brow wrinkled with the effort of speech.

"?Hr yu latruin nr u?" he said. he said.

Rincewind smiled and nodded and pushed Twoflower in his general direction. With an inward sigh of relief he saw the tourist pay sudden attention to a big bra.s.s telescope that lay on the table.

"! Sooten u!" commanded the seated chelonaut. Rincewind nodded and smiled and took one of the big copper helmets from the rack and brought it down on the man's head as hard as he possibly could. The chelonaut fell forward with a soft grunt. commanded the seated chelonaut. Rincewind nodded and smiled and took one of the big copper helmets from the rack and brought it down on the man's head as hard as he possibly could. The chelonaut fell forward with a soft grunt.

The other man took one startled step before Twoflower hit him amateurishly but effectively with the telescope. He crumpled on top of his colleague.

Rincewind and Twoflower looked at each other over the carnage.

"All right right!" snapped Rincewind, aware that he had lost some kind of contest but not entirely certain what it was. "Don't bother to say it. Someone out there is expecting these two guys to come out in the suits in a minute. I suppose they thought we were slaves. Help me hide these behind the drapes and then, and then-"