Body Language_ How to read others' thoughts by their gestures Part 5

Territorial and Owners.h.i.+p Gestures [image]

TERRITORIAL GESTURES.

People lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim to that object or person. Leaning can also be used as a method, of dominance or intimidation when the object being leaned on belongs to someone else. For example, if you are going to take a photograph of a friend and his new car, boat, home or other personal belonging, you will inevitably find that he leans against his newly acquired property, putting his foot on it or his arm around it (Figure 130). When he touches the property, it becomes an extension of his body and in this way he shows others that it belongs to him. Young lovers continually hold hands or put their arms around one another in public and social situations to show others the claim that they have on each other. The business executive puts his feet on his desk or desk drawers or leans against his office doorway to show his claim to that office and its furnis.h.i.+ngs.

However, an easy way to intimidate someone is to lean against, sit upon or use their possessions without their permission. In addition to the obvious abuses of another's territory or possessions such as sitting at his desk or borrowing his car without asking, there are other very subtle intimidation techniques. One is to lean against the doorway in another's office or to inadvertently sit in his chair.

As already mentioned, a sales person calling on a customer at his home is well advised to ask him 'Which seat is yours?' before he sits down, as sitting in the wrong chair intimidates the customer and puts him offside, which can have a detrimental effect on the chance of a successful sale.

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Some people, like the man shown in Figure 131, are habitual doorway leaners and go through life intimidating most people from the first introduction. These people are well advised to practise an erect stance with palms visible to make a favourable impression on others. People form 90 per cent of their opinion about you in the first ninety seconds of meeting you, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression!

OWNERs.h.i.+P GESTURES.

Management personnel are particularly guilty of continually using the following gestures. It has been noted that employees who have been newly appointed to management positions suddenly begin to use them, despite the fact that they seldom used them prior to their promotion.

It would be normal to a.s.sume that the position of the man in Figure 132 reflects an easygoing, relaxed and carefree att.i.tude, because that is in fact what it is. The leg-overchair gesture not only signifies the man's owners.h.i.+p of that particular chair or s.p.a.ce, but also signals that customary etiquettes may be relaxed.

It is common to see two close friends seated like this, laughing and joking with each other, but let's consider the impact and meaning of this gesture in different circ.u.mstances. Take this typical situation: an employee has a personal problem and he goes into the boss's office to ask his advice on a possible solution. As the employee explains, he leans forward in the chair, his hands on his knees, his face down and looking dejected and his tone of voice lowered. The boss listens intently, sitting motionless, then suddenly leans back in his chair and puts one leg over the arm. In these circ.u.mstances the boss's att.i.tude has changed to lack of concern or indifference because of his carefree gesture. In other words, he has little concern for the employee or his problem and he may even feel that his time is being wasted with the 'same old story'.

[image]A further question needs to be answered: what is the boss indifferent about? He may have considered the employee's problem, decided that it's not really a major one and he may even have become uninterested in or indifferent towards the employee. While he remains in the leg-over-chair position, he will probably have a concerned look on his face throughout the discussion to cover up his lack of interest. He may even terminate the discussion by telling his employee that he need not worry and that the problem will simply go away. When the employee leaves the office, the boss may breathe a sigh of relief and say to himself, 'Thank heavens he's gone!' and take his leg off the chair.

If the boss's chair has no arms (which is unlikely; this is usually the visitor's chair) he may be seen with one or both feet on the desk (Figure 133). If his superior enters the office, it is unlikely that the boss would use such an obvious territorial/owners.h.i.+p gesture, but would resort to more subtle versions such as putting his foot on the bottom drawer of his desk, or, if there are no drawers in the desk, placing his foot hard against the leg of the desk to stake his claim to it.

These gestures can be quite annoying if they occur during negotiation, and it is vital that the person should change to a different position because the longer he stays in the leg-over-chair or feet-on-desk position, the longer he will have an indifferent or hostile att.i.tude. An easy way to do this is to hand him something that he cannot reach and ask him to lean across and look at it, or, if you and he have a similar sense of humour, tell him he has a split in his trousers.

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Thirteen.

Carbon Copies and Mirror Images The next time you attend a social function or go to a place where people meet and interact, take note of the number of people who have adopted the identical gestures and posture of the person with whom they are talking. This 'carbon copying' is a means by which one person tells the other that he is in agreement with his ideas and att.i.tudes. By this method, one is non-verbally saying to the other, 'As you can see, I think the same as you, so I will copy your posture and gestures.'

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This unconscious mimicry is quite interesting to observe. Take for example, the two men standing at the hotel bar in Figure 134. They have mirrored each other's gestures and it is reasonable to a.s.sume that they are discussing a topic upon which they have the same thoughts and feelings. If one man uncrosses his arms and legs or stands on the other foot, the other will follow. If one puts his hand in his pocket, the other will copy and this mimicry will continue for as long as the two men are in agreement. This copying also occurs among good friends or people at the same status level and it is common to see married couples walk, stand, sit and move in identical ways. Scheflen found that people who are strangers studiously avoid holding mutual positions. The significance of carbon copying can be one of the most important non-verbal lessons we can learn, for this is one way that others tell us that they agree with us or like us. It is also a way for us to tell others that we like them, by simply copying their gestures.

If an employer wishes to develop an immediate rapport and create a relaxed atmosphere with an employee, he need only copy the employee's posture to achieve this end. Similarly, an up-and-coming employee may be seen copying his boss's gestures in an attempt to show agreement. Using this knowledge, it is possible to influence a face-to-face encounter by copying the positive gestures and postures of the other person. This has the effect of putting the other person in a receptive and relaxed frame of mind, as he can 'see' that you understand his point of view (Figure 135).

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When I was selling insurance I found this a very effective technique for a 'cold' prospective customer. I deliberately copied each movement the prospective customer made until I felt I had established a strong enough rapport to allow the presentation to proceed. Invariably, if the prospect began copying my gestures, a sale would result.

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However, before copying the other person's gestures when negotiating, it is vital that your relations.h.i.+p with that person be taken into consideration. Let's say, for example, that the junior clerk of a large corporation has asked for a pay rise and is called into the manager's office. As he walks in, the manager asks him to sit down and then a.s.sumes a superiority T-cross gesture (Figure 96) and a figure 4 leg lock (Figure 81) while he leans back in his chair to show the clerk his superior, dominant and compet.i.tive att.i.tude. What would happen if the clerk then copied the manager's dominant posture while discussing his potential salary rise (Figure 136)?

Even if the clerk's verbal communication were on the subordinate level, the manager would feel intimidated and even insulted by the clerk's non-verbal behaviour and the clerk's job could be in jeopardy. This manoeuvre is a highly effective method of disarming 'superior' types who try to take the control. Accountants, lawyers and management personnel are known for a.s.suming these postures in the presence of people whom they consider inferior. By taking the same posture, you can effectively disconcert them and force them to change their position, allowing you to take the control.

Research shows that when the leader of a group uses certain gestures and positions, subordinates copy them. Leaders also tend to be the first of a group to walk through a doorway and they like to sit on the end of a couch or bench seat rather than in the centre. When a group of executives walk into a room, the boss usually goes first. When executives are seated in the board room, the boss usually sits at the head of the table, often farthest from the door. If the boss sits with a hands-behind-head T-cross gesture (Figure 96), his subordinates will copy.

People who sell to married couples in their home are well advised to watch the couple's gestures, to see who initiates the gestures and who follows.

For example, if the husband is doing all the talking and the wife sits there saying nothing, but you notice that the husband copies his wife's gestures, you will inevitably find that she makes the decisions and writes the cheques, so it is a good idea to direct your presentation to her.

Fourteen.

Body Lowering and Status [image]

Historically, lowering the height of one's body in front of another person has been used as a means of establis.h.i.+ng superior/subordinate relations.h.i.+ps. We refer to a member of Royalty as 'Your Highness', whereas individuals who commit unsavoury acts are called 'low'. The protest rally speaker stands on a soapbox to be higher than everyone else, the judge sits higher than the rest of the court, those who live in a penthouse command more authority than those who live at ground level and some cultures divide their social cla.s.ses into the 'upper cla.s.s' and 'lower cla.s.s'.

Despite what many people would like to believe, tall people command more authority than short people, but height can also be detrimental to some aspects of one-to-one communication where you need to 'talk on the same level' or have an 'eye-to-eye' discussion with another person.

Most women curtsey when they meet Royalty and men incline their heads or remove their hats, making themselves appear smaller than the Royal person. The modern salute is a relic of the act of body lowering. The more humble or subordinate an individual feels towards another, the lower he stoops his body. In business, the people who continually 'bow' to the management are labelled with such derogatory name tags as 'bootlickers' or 'crawlers'.

Unfortunately, little can be done to help people become taller or shorter, so let us explore some useful applications of height.

It is possible to avoid intimidating others by consciously making yourself appear smaller in relation to them, so let us examine the non-verbal aspects of the situation in which you have been speeding in your car and are stopped by the police. In these circ.u.mstances, the officer may regard you as an adversary as he approaches your vehicle, and a driver's usual reaction is to remain in the car, wind the window down and make excuses for having exceeded the speed limit. The nonverbal negatives of this behaviour are: (1) The officer is forced to leave his territory (the patrol car) and come across to your territory (your vehicle). (2) a.s.suming that you have in fact broken the speed limit, your excuses may represent an attack to the officer. (3) By remaining in your car, you create a barrier between yourself and the policeman.

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Considering that under these circ.u.mstances the police officer is obviously in a superior position to you, this type of behaviour only serves to make things go from bad to worse and your chances of being booked are increased. Instead, try this if you are flagged down: (1) Get immediately out of your car (your territory) and go over to the police officer's car (his territory). In this way he is not inconvenienced by having to leave his territory. (2) Stoop your body over so that you are smaller than he is. (3) Lower your own status by telling the officer how foolish and irresponsible you are and raise his status by thanking him for pointing out the your ways and telling him that you realise how difficult his job must be with fools like you around. (4) With your palms out, in a trembling voice, ask him not to give you a ticket. This type of behaviour shows the police officer that you are not a threat to him and often causes him to take the role of an angry parent, in which case he gives you a stern warning and tells you to be on your way - without a speeding ticket! When this technique is used as directed, it can save you from being booked more than 50 per cent of the time.

The same technique can be used to calm an irate customer who is returning some faulty goods to a retail store. In this case, the counter represents a barrier between the store owner and the customer. Control of an irate customer would be difficult if the storekeeper remained on his own side of the counter, and this staking-out of territory would make the customer angrier. The best approach would be for the storekeeper to come around to the customer's side of the counter with his body stooped over and palms visible and to use the same technique as was used with the police officer.

Interestingly, there are some circ.u.mstances under which lowering the body can be a dominance signal. This is where you slouch down and make yourself comfortable in an easy chair in another person's home while the owner is standing. It is the complete informality on the other person's territory that communicates the dominant or aggressive att.i.tude.

It is also important to remember that a person will always be superior on his own territory, especially in his own home, and submissive gestures and behaviour are very effective methods for getting the person on side with you.

Fifteen.

Pointers [image]Have you ever had the feeling that someone to whom you are talking would rather be elsewhere than with you, even though he or she seems to be enjoying your company? A still photograph of that scene would probably reveal the following: (1) The person's head is turned towards you and facial signals such as smiling and nodding are evident. (2) The person's body and feet are pointing away from you, either towards another person or towards an exit. The direction in which a person points his or her torso or feet is a signal of where he or she would prefer to be going.

Figure 139 shows two men talking in a doorway. The man on the left is trying to hold the other man's attention, but his listener wishes to continue in the direction to which his body is pointing, although his head is turned to acknowledge the other man's presence. It is only when the man on the right turns his body towards the other that a mutually interesting conversation can take place.

It is noticeable that often in negotiations, when one person has decided to terminate the negotiation or wants to leave, he will turn his body or swing his feet to point towards the nearest exit. If you see these signals during a face-to-face encounter, you should do something to get the person involved and interested or else terminate the conversation on your terms, which allows you to maintain the control.

ANGLES AND TRIANGLES.

Open Formation In an earlier chapter, we stated that the physical distance between people is related to their degree of intimacy. The angle at which people orient their bodies also gives many non-verbal clues to their att.i.tudes and relations.h.i.+ps. For example, people in most English speaking countries stand with their bodies oriented to form an angle of 90 degrees during ordinary social intercourse. Figure 140 shows two men with their bodies angled towards an imaginary third point to form a triangle. This also serves as a nonverbal invitation for a third person to join in the conversation by standing at the third point. The two men in Figure 140 are displaying similar status by holding similar gestures and posture and the angle formed by their torsos indicates that an impersonal conversation is probably taking place. The formation of the triangle invites a third person of similar status to join the conversation. When a fourth person is accepted into the group a square will be formed and for a fifth person, either a circle or two triangles.

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Closed Formation When intimacy or privacy is required by two people, the angle formed by their torsos decreases from 90 degrees down to 0 degrees. A man wis.h.i.+ng to attract a female partner uses this ploy, as well as other courts.h.i.+p gestures, when he makes his play for her. Not only does he point his body towards her, but he also closes the distance between them as he moves into her intimate zone. To accept his approach, she need only orient her torso angle to 0 degrees and allow him to enter her territory. The distance between two people standing in the closed formation is usually less than that of the open formation.

In addition to the usual courts.h.i.+p displays, both parties may mirror each other's gestures if they are interested in each other. Like some other courts.h.i.+p gestures, the closed formation can be used as a non-verbal challenge between people who are hostile to each other (see Figure 106).

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Inclusion and Exclusion Techniques Both the open triangular position and the closed position are used to include or exclude another person from the conversation. Figure 142 shows the triangular formation taken by the first two to show acceptance of the third.

When a third person wishes to join two others who are standing in a closed formation, he may be invited to join the conversation only when the other two orient their torsos towards a mutual third point to form the triangle. If the third person is not accepted, the others will hold the closed formation position and turn only their heads towards him or her as a sign of recognition of the third person's presence but the direction of their torsos shows that he is not invited to remain (Figure 143).

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Often a conversation among three people may begin in the open triangular formation but eventually two may take the closed formation position to exclude the third person (Figure 143). This group formation is a clear signal to the third person that he should leave the group to avoid embarra.s.sment.

Seated Body Pointing Crossing the knees towards another person is a sign of acceptance or interest in that person. If the other person also becomes interested, he or she will cross knees towards the first person, as shown in Figure 144. As the two people become more involved with each other they will begin to copy each other's movements and gestures, as is the case in Figure 144, and a closed formation results that excludes all others, such as the man on the right. The only way in which the man on the right could partic.i.p.ate in the conversation would be to move a chair to a position in front of the couple and attempt to form a triangle, or take some other action to break the formation.

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Interviewing Two People Let us a.s.sume that you, person C, are going to interview or talk to persons A and B, and let us say that by either choice or circ.u.mstance you are sitting in a triangular position at a round[image] table. Let us also a.s.sume that person A is very talkative and asks many questions and that person B remains silent throughout. When A asks you a question, how can you answer him and carry on a conversation without making B feel excluded? Use this simple but highly effective inclusion technique: when A asks a question, look at him as you begin to answer, then turn your head towards B, then back to A, then to B again until you make your final statement, looking at A (who asked the question) again as you finish your sentence. This technique lets B feel involved in the conversation and is particularly useful if you need to have B on side with you. table. Let us also a.s.sume that person A is very talkative and asks many questions and that person B remains silent throughout. When A asks you a question, how can you answer him and carry on a conversation without making B feel excluded? Use this simple but highly effective inclusion technique: when A asks a question, look at him as you begin to answer, then turn your head towards B, then back to A, then to B again until you make your final statement, looking at A (who asked the question) again as you finish your sentence. This technique lets B feel involved in the conversation and is particularly useful if you need to have B on side with you.

Foot Pointing [image]

Not only do the feet serve as pointers, indicating the direction in which a person would like to go, but they are also used to point at people who are interesting or attractive. Imagine that you are at a social function and you notice a group of three men and one very attractive woman (Figure 146). The conversation seems to be dominated by the men and the woman is just listening. Then you notice something interesting - the men all have one foot pointing towards the woman. With this simple non-verbal cue, the men are all telling the woman that they are interested in her. Subconsciously, the woman sees the foot gestures and is likely to remain with the group for as long as she is receiving this attention. In Figure 146 she is standing with both feet together in the neutral position and she may eventually point one foot toward the man whom she finds the most attractive or interesting. You will also notice that she is giving a sideways glance to the man who is using the thumbs-in-belt gesture.

Seated Body Formations Take the following situation: you are in a supervisory capacity and are about to counsel a subordinate whose work performance has been unsatisfactory and erratic. To achieve this objective, you feel that you will need to use direct questions that require direct answers and may put the subordinate under pressure. At times you will also need to show the subordinate that you understand his feelings and, from time to time, that you agree with his thoughts or actions. How can you non-verbally convey these att.i.tudes using body formations? Leaving aside interview and questioning techniques for these ill.u.s.trations, consider the following points: (1) The fact that the counselling session is in your office and that you are the boss allows you to move from behind your desk to the employee's side of the desk (the co-operative position) and still maintain unspoken control. (2) The subordinate should be seated on a chair with fixed legs and no arms, one that forces him to use body gestures and postures that will give you a better understanding of his att.i.tudes. (3) You should be sitting on a swivel chair with arms, giving you more control and letting you eliminate some of your own giveaway gestures by allowing you to move around.

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There are three main angle formations that can be used.

Like the standing triangular position, the open triangular formation lends an informal, relaxed att.i.tude to the meeting and is a good position in which to open a counselling session (Figure 147). You can show non-verbal agreement with the subordinate from this position by copying his movements and gestures. As they do in the standing position, both torsos point to a third mutual point to form a triangle; this can show mutual agreement.

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By turning your chair to point your body directly at your subordinate (Figure 148) you are non-verbally telling him that you want direct answers to your questions. Combine this position with the business gaze (Figure 149) and reduced body and facial gestures and your subject will feel tremendous nonverbal pressure. If, for example, after you have asked him a question, he rubs his eye and mouth and looks away when he answers, swing your chair to point directly at him and say, 'Are you sure about that?' This simple movement exerts non-verbal pressure on him and can force him to tell the truth.

When you position your body at a right angle away from your subject, you take the pressure off the interview (Figure 149). This is an excellent position from which to ask delicate or embarra.s.sing questions, encouraging more open answers to your questions without any pressure coming from you. If the nut you are trying to crack is a difficult one, you may need to revert to the direct body point technique to get to the facts.

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Summary If you want a person to have rapport with you, use the triangular position and, when you need to exert non-verbal pressure, use the direct body point. The right angle position allows the other person to think and act independently, without non-verbal pressure from you. Few people have ever considered the effect of body pointing in influencing the att.i.tudes and the responses of others.

These techniques take much practice to master but they can become 'natural' movements before long. If you deal with others for a living, mastery of body point and swivel chair techniques are very useful skills to acquire. In your day-to-day encounters with others, foot pointing, body pointing and positive gesture cl.u.s.ters such as open arms, visible palms, leaning forward, head tilting and smiling can make it easy for others not only to enjoy your company, but to be influenced by your point of view.

Sixteen.

Desks, Tables and Seating Arrangements TABLE SEATING POSITIONS.

Strategic positioning in relation to other people is an effective way to obtain cooperation from them. Aspects of their att.i.tude toward you can be revealed in the position they take in relation to you.

Mark Knapp, in his book Non-Verbal Communication in Human Interaction, Non-Verbal Communication in Human Interaction, noted that, although there is a general formula for interpretation of seating positions, the environment may have an effect on the position chosen. Research conducted with white middle-cla.s.s Americans showed that seating positions in the public bar of an hotel can vary from the seating positions taken in a high-cla.s.s restaurant and that the direction in which the seats are facing and the distance between tables can have a distorting influence on seating behaviour. For example, intimate couples prefer to sit side by side wherever possible, but in a crowded restaurant where the tables are close together this is not possible and the couples are forced to sit opposite each other in what is normally a defensive position. noted that, although there is a general formula for interpretation of seating positions, the environment may have an effect on the position chosen. Research conducted with white middle-cla.s.s Americans showed that seating positions in the public bar of an hotel can vary from the seating positions taken in a high-cla.s.s restaurant and that the direction in which the seats are facing and the distance between tables can have a distorting influence on seating behaviour. For example, intimate couples prefer to sit side by side wherever possible, but in a crowded restaurant where the tables are close together this is not possible and the couples are forced to sit opposite each other in what is normally a defensive position.

Because of a wide range of moderating circ.u.mstances, the following examples relate primarily to seating arrangements in an office environment with a standard rectangular desk.

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Person B can take four basic seating positions in relation to person A.

B1: The corner position B2: The co-operative position B3: The compet.i.tive-defensive position B4: The independent position The Corner Position (B1) This position is normally used by people who are engaged in friendly, casual conversation. The position allows for unlimited eye contact and the opportunity to use numerous gestures and to observe the gestures of the other person. The corner of the desk provides a partial barrier should one person begin to feel threatened, and this position avoids territorial division on the top of the table. The most successful strategic position from which a sales person can deliver a presentation to a new customer is by position B1 a.s.suming A is the buyer. By simply moving the chair to position B1 you can relieve a tense atmosphere and increase the chances of a favourable negotiation.

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The Co-operative Position (B2) When two people are mutually oriented, that is, both thinking alike or working on a task together, this position usually occurs. It is one of the most strategic positions for presenting a case and having it accepted. The trick is, however, for B to be able to take this position without A feeling as though his territory has been invaded. This is also a highly successful position to take when a third party is introduced into the negotiation by B, the sales person. Say, for example, that a sales person was having a second interview with a client and the sales person introduced a technical expert. The following strategy would be most suitable.

The technical expert is seated at position C opposite customer A. The sales person can sit either at position B2 (co-operative) or B1 (corner). This allows the sales person to be 'on the client's side' and to question the technician on behalf of the client. This position is often known as 'siding with the opposition'.

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The Compet.i.tive-Defensive Position (B3) Sitting across the table from a person can create a defensive, compet.i.tive atmosphere and can lead to each party taking a firm stand on his point of view because the table becomes a solid barrier between both parties. This position is taken by people who are either competing with each other or if one is reprimanding the other. It can also establish that a superior/subordinate role exists when it is used in A's office.

Argyle noted that an experiment conducted in a doctor's office showed that the presence or absence of a desk had a significant effect on whether a patient was at ease or not. Only 10 per cent of the patients were perceived to be at ease when the doctor's desk was present and the doctor sat behind it. This figure increased to 55 per cent when the desk was absent.

If B is seeking to persuade A, the compet.i.tive-defensive position reduces the chance of a successful negotiation unless B is deliberately sitting opposite as part of a pre-planned strategy. For example, it may be that A is a manager who must severely reprimand employee B, and the compet.i.tive position can strengthen the reprimand. On the other hand, it may be necessary for B to make A feel superior and so B deliberately sits directly opposite A.

Whatever line of business you are in, if it involves dealing with people, you are in the influencing business and your objective should always be to see the other person's point of view, to put him or her at ease and make him or her feel right about dealing with you; the compet.i.tive position does not lead towards this end. More co-operation will be gained from the corner and co-operative positions than will ever be achieved from the compet.i.tive position. Conversations are shorter and more specific in this position than from any other.

Whenever people sit directly opposite each other across a table, they unconsciously divide it into two equal territories. Each claims half as his own territory and will reject the other's encroaching upon it. Two people seated compet.i.tively at a restaurant table will mark their territorial boundaries with the salt, pepper, sugar bowl and napkins.