Senior Semester: All The While Part 22

My mind is fiercely clear as I walk away from Zack, embarra.s.sment burning my skin. How could I have been so stupid? Of course a guy like Zack could never be interested in a girl like me. He's seen too much. Once you show someone so much of your ugly, how could you ever expect them to feel anything but pity and disgust for you?

"Maura! Wait up!" Zack calls behind me and I know it will only be moments before he catches up to me. I debate running but even then, I know he'll catch me. And suddenly, I'm so exhausted. My body feels heavy, lifting one foot up and putting it in front of the other, an exhausting effort.

"Maura." He catches me, spinning me around in his arms and pulling me up onto my tippy-toes just as his lips come cras.h.i.+ng down. And then he kisses me. He kisses me hard, with purpose. And it swallows me whole. Like I always knew it would.

My body betrays me instantly as my fingers claw up his arms to reach his shoulders and entwine behind his neck. I arch into him, and he pulls me closer, his hands lost in my hair and me lost in him. His tongue dances with mine wildly, pa.s.sionately. And just when I think I can't take anymore, he gentles the kiss, slows the pace. My heels return to the ground, the tension in his arms relaxes, and I melt into him like watercolor paints: slowly, sweetly, beautifully.

"It's always been about you." He breaks our kiss, framing my face between his hands and looking me directly in the eye. "If anything, I was petrified that telling you the truth would make you hate me, would make me lose you. And that was selfish. Because, Maura, I feel so f.u.c.king much for you that I couldn't handle it if you ever hated me."

I shake my head, my fingertips grazing up and down his arms. "I could never hate you, Zack. Ever."

He squeezes his eyes shut tight for a moment and rests his forehead against mine. "But everything that happened ..."

"Wasn't your fault." I reach up to link my fingers around his hands that still clutch my face. "You've got to let the blame go. Adrian would never want you to carry around that burden. He knew what he was doing. And he knew better," I admit quietly. G.o.d, he knew better.

"I'm sorry, Maura. I'm so f.u.c.king sorry," Zack says, his hands momentarily tightening on my cheeks. And I know he needs to say those words; he feels like he has to apologize.

Just like he needs to hear the words I say next. "I forgive you, Zack. Now you need to start forgiving yourself."

He smiles lightly, a ghost of a grin flickering in the corners of his mouth. "So do you."

I sigh, using his hands as leverage to press my lips against his once more. "I guess so."

"Come on..." he pulls me into his side "...let's get you home." We resume our walk back to the dorm.

My mind is racing with everything Zack just admitted. And more than the Adrian stuff is the bit about him caring for me. It's always been about you. My skin literally aches for his touch. I want to sleep tangled up with him, wake up slowly in the morning, splayed against his chest, counting the beats of his heart. "Stay with me tonight," I tell him.

He kisses the top of my head and without hesitation says the single greatest word in the English language. At least in this moment. "Okay."

I smile to myself.

When we arrive back at my dorm, the security guard makes a show of looking the other way as I drag Zack past his desk, up the stairs, and into the corridor where my room is located. I smile up at him as I unlock the door and watch as he closes it firmly behind us.

I turn toward him, reaching up and pulling him toward me. I want to kiss him, peel his clothes off, straddle him in my bed, and spend the whole night, or whatever is left of it, making up for all the harsh words I hurled at him.

"Wait." He stops me gently, his hands grasping onto my arms and holding my hands lightly. "Not tonight."

I raise my eyebrow at him. "Are you seriously turning me down right now?" That's a first.

Zack tries to laugh but it's more of a groan. "You have absolutely no idea how badly I want you right now. In fact, my body and mind are screaming at me to shut the f.u.c.k up."

"Then what's the problem?"

He sighs, sinking to edge of my bed and tugging me down gently beside him. "I care about you, Maura. I've cared about you for a while now. And I want to start things between us the right way, despite that incredible kiss on the sidewalk."

I smile. "Okay, what's the right way?"

He looks down for a moment before turning toward me again. "Not after you've been out drinking, needing to forget. Not after we hashed things out about Adrian. Not because you're grieving the loss of your baby and want to feel connected to someone. When we do get together, and I promise you we will, I want it to be just about us."

s.h.i.+t, he's turning me down. But he's doing it for me, because he gets me, understands me. As much as I want to be p.i.s.sed at him for telling me no, I admire him even more for caring about my emotional state more than wanting my body. Most guys wouldn't even think about that.

He presses his lips to my forehead to take the sting out of his rejection. "So for tonight..." he pats the pillow at the head of my bed "...all we do is sleep."

I smile, suddenly shy to be this close to him, completely sober and knowing we aren't going to have s.e.x. What the h.e.l.l are we going to do? Talk? I nod in agreement anyway.

"I'm going to use the bathroom ..." He gestures toward the door. "Get into your pj's while I'm gone."

"'Kay," I agree again, watching as he slips out the door to use the shared bathroom. Sighing, I can't tell if I'm impressed with Zack's display of morals or disappointed in myself for not tempting him anyway. Ah, I guess it's for the best. If I am going to be with a guy, I should want to know without a doubt that he's loyal, right? I change into a pair of sleep shorts and a T-s.h.i.+rt and take out my contacts. Drinking a bottle of water, I flick on my bedside lamp and slide beneath my duvet cover.

Zack knocks lightly before entering. "All decent?"

I smile. He's really sweet. "Yep."

He walks into the room and smiles down at me, tugging off his hoodie and jeans. He flips the switch on the lamp before sliding in next to me. He places his face next to mine on the pillow and I sigh as his hand finds mine under the covers, linking our fingers together. "Sweet dreams, Maura."

"Goodnight, Zack."

Chapter Forty-Seven.

Zack

When I open my eyes the next morning, I'm greeted by Maura's sleeping face pressed against the pillow, a slight snore whistling through her nose each time she exhales. Her hair is twisted into a bun on top of her head, messy curls springing free as she snuggles deeper under the covers. A pillow line creases her cheek and her lips purse as though deep in thought. She's completely adorable, and I remain still, hesitant to wake her. However, after several minutes of observing her sleeping form, I really need to take a p.i.s.s and my body is aching to stretch. Carefully, I push back my side of the covers and slip out of bed, s.h.i.+fting my weight slowly on the mattress. She doesn't move a muscle; she must be a deep sleeper then. I shake my head, chuckling to myself at how sweet and peaceful she looks in sleep. The sarcastic quip always on the edge of her tongue takes a rest along with her.

Making my way out into the hallway, I close the door softly behind me and nod good morning at the guy exiting the room across the hall. I walk down to the bathroom, take a p.i.s.s, and swipe some toothpaste out of someone's shower caddy to brush my teeth with my finger.

Making my way back to Maura's room, I tug on my jeans and hoodie and grab my phone and wallet off her desk to go find us some coffee and bagels for breakfast. When I step out into the cold morning air, I curse myself for not wearing a jacket the night before. Ice patches gleam in the sunlight and the air is frigid, whipping against my cheeks as I hunch forward and stuff my hands deep into my pockets. Walking half a block down, I pop into the nearest bagel shop and inhale deeply, the scent of fresh baked bagels and brewing coffee enveloping me.

"Hey, man, what can I get for you?" the guy behind the counter asks.

"Hey. Two coffees please, milk in both, no sugar. And two egg, cheese, and pork roll on everything bagels."

He nods. "Salt, pepper, ketchup?"

"Yup."

"Twelve seventy."

I hand him a twenty and wait for my change.

He hands me the coffees. "The sandwiches will be five minutes."

"Great, thanks." I nod and walk over to one of the corner tables, taking a seat by the window. It's 8:30 AM meaning it's 7:30 AM at home, meaning Nicole could use a wake-up call. I pull out my phone and give her a ring, taking a sip of the scalding coffee and wincing as I burn my tongue.

"h.e.l.lo?" Her voice is groggy and thick with sleep.

"Wake your a.s.s up!" I shout into the phone.

She groans. "What the h.e.l.l is wrong with you and what do you want?"

"Nothing is wrong with me. I'm awesome. Just wanted to see how you're doing."

"This is payback isn't it? For all the times I've called you when you were already asleep, your alarm set for 5:00 AM."

"Maybe. So, what're you up to this weekend?"

Nicole groans again but I can sense she's starting to wake up since she starts right in on me. "Did you do it yet?"

"Do what?"

Nicole sighs, exasperated. "Ask Maura out."

"Kind of. You were right. You can hang it over my head for all of eternity."

"Well..." Nicole pauses dramatically "...we always knew I was obviously right. That was never even up for debate. Tell me what happened. What the h.e.l.l does 'kind of' mean?"

I sigh. "I can sense the gossip gleam s.h.i.+ning in your eyes like a crazy, deranged person."

She laughs again. "Shut up and spill it."

I take another sip of the scalding coffee. "Maura and I talked. But we didn't actually conclude anything."

"Finally. How'd it go down?"

"She called me drunk last night, sitting on a sidewalk and craving pizza."

Nicole laughs. "And?"

"And we talked, really talked. But she was drunk and so I need to make sure we're on the same page now that's she just hungover."

"Good thinking."

"Yeah."

"But you're happy?" My sister's voice turns serious, and I smile. Nicole, for all her antics and crazy ways, always has my back, always looks out for me, and always wants the best for me.

"Yeah, Nic, I'm happy. What else is going on?"

We chat for a few more minutes as Nicole fills me in on Mom and Dad and tells me about a date she has with some hotshot lawyer this weekend. The guy from Halloween never panned out. When I hang up the phone, I'm cheesing way too hard, which has everything to do with the text message from Maura that appears on my screen.

Maura: Morning suns.h.i.+ne! Where'd you disappear to?

Maura and I spend the remainder of the day under the covers of her bed, carb-loading and binge-watching House of Cards on Netflix. Every now and then we discuss the episodes, compare stories on what we predict will happen next, or just make general observations.

"Maura?" I interrupt whatever Francis Underwood is saying on screen.

"Yeah?" She looks over at me, and I guess I look serious because she pauses the episode. "What's up?"

"I just ... I want to make sure we're on the same page. After last night?"

She smiles, her eyes gleaming wickedly. "And what page is that?"

I stifle a laugh. Of course she's going to make me say it. I swear she is unlike any girl I've ever met. Almost every girl I know would be clamoring for some type of rea.s.surance this morning. But not Maura. Nope, she's got me playing the role of the typical chick. And for some bizarre reason, I don't even care. "I know you're not ready to be in a relations.h.i.+p." I pause and watch her closely.

She looks down for a beat before meeting my gaze and nodding slowly.

"And that's fine. I don't know what we are but it doesn't matter because I know how I feel about you. So I just need you to know that I'm here for you and I'm waiting and whenever you're ready, I want to give us a real shot."

Her smile this time is genuine. "Me too." She moves closer to me, snuggling into my side. "I'm sorry I'm so f.u.c.ked-up."

I laugh. "You're not f.u.c.ked-up. You're grieving."

She sighs. "Still. I don't want you to think I don't want to be with you. Because I do."

I nod. "I know. We'll just take it slow."

She looks up at me beneath her dark lashes. "So we just take it one day at a time?" The incredulity in her voice causes me to pause. Has any guy ever been decent to her?

"One day at a time," I echo.

She places a kiss on my shoulder. "Okay. Thanks."

I nod and press play for the episode to resume.

After that we sink into a comfortable silence, where words don't need to be spoken because we know where we stand with each other, we're comfortable around each other, and the pieces are all starting to fit together the way they're supposed to. I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait until she's ready to really be mine. And she knows it.

Before I leave that night, Maura asks me to have dinner with her the following day. "Sure," I tell her casually, but really I'm relieved. We're definitely heading in the right direction.