Observations By Mr. Dooley Part 4

th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army forty year,' he says, pus.h.i.+n' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th'

reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorced to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says. 'Is that what this is?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is,' says th' prisidint. 'I thought it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out through th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' article will be ent.i.tled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.

"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years.

A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th'

pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th'

casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. He administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme Coort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with a stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about his leg. "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor. "That's good,"

says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll talk over that appointment," he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivened be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-cla.s.s post-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very confinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice law till I take more exercise," he said heartily. Th' ambulance was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin'

been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their homes.'

"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th'

first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been inthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come, Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as ye want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel.

Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin'

mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."

"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.

"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis th' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther."

Money and Matrimony

"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred bonds--twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have that annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an'

some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less; others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. A larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal.

Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear f'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant a divoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.

"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'm th' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th'

parish priest an' there he was. 'Twas well if he had a job too but if he hadn't it wasn't a bar. A marrid man can always find wurruk to do. He's got to. But no wan iver thought iv askin' him to skin open his bank book. They wasn't anny such things. They wasn't anny banks. He didn't have to pin a cas.h.i.+er's check to th'

proposal an' put in a sealed bid. If th' girls in my time an'

this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man with twinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' at this minyit.

"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hanna wud say, an' not as an invistmint. We argyied that while th'

childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'd finished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jooties iv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine, they cud support us in luxury. Th' young ladies had none th' best iv us. They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms.

It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days. Th' father iv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant to look over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmints was sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-law was he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimony he'd require. If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegars that were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pa.s.s ivry second saloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' first fam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last. We was too dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin'

a pound iv tinpinny nails. Durin' th' coorts.h.i.+p no wan around th' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanst in awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol'

man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen. We spint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries was bein' arranged. Th' coorts.h.i.+p I think wint on be a complete system iv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan night th' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into a clinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint to bed. That was all they was to it. No wan a.s.sayed young Lotharyo Hinnissy iv th' sixth ward. If they heard he had twinty-five dollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him. I mind whin Hogan was goin' to marry Ca.s.sidy's daughter. 'I haven't a cint,' he says. 'Hurry up an' marry thin,' says Ca.s.sidy, 'or ye might have.'

"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, I think that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us. An' that's a good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills. It wudden't do to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin'

ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit. Some wan might call ye. But it's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies. 'Tis far diff'rent. I read be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can't show down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel like goin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remain a gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time. Not f'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin'

him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendher infant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequent letthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come. No rayspictible woman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none ought to have him afther he's got it.

"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up till hardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim. A man believes th'

judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephine to be a poor man's wife. I'll wait till I get a millyion.' It's not so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' right people to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eager suitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherably past th' age iv consint. Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle.

He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two on th' house. So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays down his pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th'

glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a little slow. Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints. Since seein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a private yacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have a club suit, ye ought to pa.s.s up th' make. A slight oversight some afthernoon in distinguis.h.i.+n' thrumps an' they wudden't be enough iv that bundle left to put a rubber band around. No, Mike, I think a gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that a daughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty.' An' so it goes through th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th'

very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already.

"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don't know that I ought to worry about it. I haven't noticed anny reduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day. Th'

Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' if they've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to know where they got it an' notify th' polis. No, sir, th' gloryous ol'

instichoos.h.i.+on iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay, an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct. If th'

rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish about these things, an' there's hope in that."

"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?"

asked Mr. Hennessy.

"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wasted on him," said Mr. Dooley.

Prince Henry's Visit

"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnery comes over," said Mr. Dooley.

"By th' way," said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity, "what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th'

nevvew?"

"He's nayther," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' impror has no sons that I iver heerd iv. If he had a son he'd be a steam injine. No, sir, this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans. I don't exactly know what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is. I know what an impror has to do. His wurruk's cut out f'r him. I cud fill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan an impror has to plaze is himsilf. Th' German impror frequently mintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness. I know what an impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brother has to do ex officio, as Hogan says. But this boy Hinnery or Hans has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town. He's a kind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad. His bag is ready packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his boots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradle f'r him to slide down to th' first flure.

"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds on th' gong. In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddher he goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on his hat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan at a gallop. His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewell to him. 'Go, Hinnery,' he says. 'Go, me dear brother, to th'

land iv perpetchooal suns.h.i.+ne an' knock in nails f'r to hang up th' German armor,' he says. 'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happen to hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an'

raymimber ye done it f'r me,' he says. 'I will remain at home an'

conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' a.s.sistance iv that German Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that we look up to as our akel,' he says. An' Hinnery goes away. He travels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field. He's th'

ginooine flyin' Dutchman. His home is in his hat. He hasn't slept all night in a bed f'r tin years. 'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnery that; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an'

Hinnery there. Th' cuffs iv his s.h.i.+rt is made iv th' time cards iv railroads. Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhers new s.h.i.+rts. He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo; he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes a frind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans. He carries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other, an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead. On second considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th'

Krupp. They'se more where it come fr'm.

"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart man. I used to think 'twas not so. I thought he had things unaisy in his wheel-house. I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says: 'Look out f'r war. This wild man will be in that office f'r a year whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld.' An'

ivrybody framed up f'r him. But look ye what happened. 'Tis twinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had.

Ivrybody else has been in throuble. A screw-maker iv a sindintary life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks that were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a push cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' j.a.ps has been at war, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin'

wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got their dandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen, Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone, Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen dealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver will have anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.

"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but a fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always has a front seat at a sc.r.a.p so near th' ring that whin th' second blows th' wather he gets what's left on his s.h.i.+rt front? Well, that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort.

His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticket to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in the spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th'

gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th'

a.s.surances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys, get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle; go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides.

'Stand up again' him there, Paul; ra.s.sle him to th' flure. Good f'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war.

Defind ye'er indipindance, n.o.ble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exercise ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's.

Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin'

but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestants is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.

"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In high di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy jollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th'