Observations By Mr. Dooley Part 7

inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, we lint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish. Cud frinds.h.i.+p go farther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not."'

"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medal f'r savin' life on th' b.r.e.a.s.t.s iv th' hands acrost th' sea where there's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals. But th' nex' day, I picks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it but Germany. Yes, sir, 'twas Germany. Germany was our on'y frind.

They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shoot at us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act. They'se nawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind. Yes, it was Germany.

But it was France, too. La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv encouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that kep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded. An' it was Rooshya.

Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm so sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'

Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frind till th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'

Ph'lippines.

"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind.

How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiver it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye to look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or that Europeen a.s.sistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch f'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind, we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' they wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint an irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces, Europe cud outstarve America in a month."

"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."

"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'

th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'

hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that rules th' wurruld."

The Philippine Peace

"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead, garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to school, wors.h.i.+pin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'

flag above thim.

"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin he sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'

jools iv th' Pa.s.syfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'

blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with our rule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton.

They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'

that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.

I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so.

"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'

beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'

beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly our fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that is betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was.

Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a cigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair, an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little isles iv th' Pa.s.syfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I had to come away.

"'To s.h.i.+ft me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'

boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'

gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'

place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'

richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quant.i.ties iv produce, none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th'

riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'

untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain.

Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are.

Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'

I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.

"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurrud describes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless th' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enough rain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin that thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict more northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it s.h.i.+nes it s.h.i.+nes. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun has been s.h.i.+nin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that is indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'

is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said 'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was be profission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers they are delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'

Pa.s.syfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye have heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wud be a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modified be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction iv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box.

It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.

"'Pa.s.sin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Not perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a while whin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usually happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th'

Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed be th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it on him. Th' counthry may be divided into two parts, pollytically,--where th' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be. Th'

brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrected parts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme in their own house. Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyal law in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears. Th'

raysult is much th' same. Th' two branches wurruks in perfect harmony. We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'

counthry.

"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.

Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs iv th' counthry. We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benighted haythen th' well-known, ol'-fas.h.i.+oned American wather cure. Iv coorse, ye know how 'tis done. A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerd iv th' histhry iv this counthry. He is met be wan iv our st.u.r.dy boys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him to cheer f'r Abraham Lincoln. He rayfuses. He is thin placed upon th' gra.s.s an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouth so he cannot rejict th' hospitality. Undher th' inflooence iv th' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor iv his adoptive counthry. One gallon makes him give three groans f'r th' const.i.tchoochion. At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped in th' flag. At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle. Occasionally we run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me idee iv human rights an' swallow th' Pa.s.syfic Ocean, but I mus'

say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.

Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'

Spanyard, but we have improved on thim. I was talkin' with a Spanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long time an' he said he wudden't know th' counthry. Even th' faces iv th'

people on th' sthreets had changed. They seemed glad to see him.

Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration. Our reconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'

wurruld. But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.

They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'

garotte sildom.

"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads like thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration. Plain sthraight-forward dealin's is me motto. A Filipino at his best has on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind. He can be thried but he can't thry his fellow man. It takes him too long. But in time I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men an' thrue at th' inquest.

"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories iv disordher is greatly exaggerated. Th' counthry is pro-gressin'

splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' sh.o.r.e, th' mountains are there as they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flag floats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'

cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' come back with th' throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'

shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people.

Gintlemen, I thank ye.'

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid story will quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will let th' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness."

"But sure they ought do something f'r thim," said Mr. Hennessy.

"They will," said Mr. Dooley. "They'll give thim a measure iv freedom."

"But whin?"

"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured," said Mr.

Dooley.

Soldier and Policeman

"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard," said Mr. Dooley.