Forbidden Knowledge Part 9

70: Percentage of visits to p.o.r.n Web sites made between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.

5.3 billion: Estimated number of dollars U.S. companies lost to recreational Web surfing during business hours in 2000 14 million: Number of p.o.r.n pages on the Web in 1998 260 million: Number of p.o.r.n pages on the Web in 2003 68 million: Daily number of p.o.r.nographic search engine requests on the Web 25: Percentage of total daily Web search engine requests that are related to p.o.r.n sites 12 billion: Number of dollars in revenues the U.S. p.o.r.n industry gathered in 2003 33: Percentage of visitors to adult Web sites who are women 253: Number of arrests for p.o.r.nography/ obscenity violations by the U.S. Postal Service in 2002 11: Average age at which men first see a copy of Playboy or Penthous magazine *

Harem Scarem:

5 Facts on Harems

You've heard about them. You've fantasized about them. You've dreamed about one day owning your own. But are you really mature enough to have your own harem yet? After all, who's going to cook for your harem? Who's going to feed 'em? And a harem doesn't just walk itself, you know. With great harems comes great responsibility. You might want to read the following five facts before you decide to invest in one.

_01:: The Primer: Just a Couple Harems to Know Under Islamic law, a man can have as many wives as he can support, with the traditional number topping out at around four. However, concubines are unlimited and many harems grew into the thousands. Following are some of history's largest recorded harems. At the top of the list is the 6th century BCE's King Tamba of Banaras, whose harem numbered some 16,000 women. Not to be outdone, the 15th-century Sultan Ghiyas-ud-Din Kilji's harem numbered 15,000 and required him to build a separate walled city to house them. Next, during the 1800s, King Mongkut of Siam housed his 9,000 women in a totally contained city with its own government, recreational facilities, and a theater. Kublai Khan, the Mongol leader in the 13th century, had four empresses and around 7,000 concubines. Every two years he would get rid of a couple hundred concubines and replace them with a fresh supply. Finally, Emperor Jahangir of India maintained a harem of over 6,300 women during the early years of the 17th century. However, Jahangir also kept close to a thousand young men-in-waiting for those times when his appet.i.te tended toward the other gender.

_02:: Getting Some Order in Your Harem Contrary to the Hollywood view of scantily dressed beautiful women lounging around pools waiting for their romantic interlude with the sultan, harems were actually very elaborate and complex communities with rigid administrative and disciplinary systems. A harem was under the leaders.h.i.+p of the Valide Sultan, or the sultan's mother. Directly responsible to the mother were the superintendent of the harem and a number of other female officials. Each of these officials had a number of younger harem members under them training for this and other future administrative a.s.signments. Next in the pecking order after the sultan's mother was the mother of the sultan's heir apparent. After this came the mothers of the sultan's other children, who were ranked by the favor they held with the sultan. These female relatives and other officials were responsible for recruiting new harem members and annually presenting them to the sultan, usually on the 15th day of Ramadan.

Touch of Evil Nizam Sir Osman Ali Khan Bahadur was perhaps the world's richest man in the early 20th century. He ruled Hyderabad both independently and as part of India, and his fat wallet helped him collect an enviable 42 concubines for his harem.

_03:: So You Want to Be a Eunuch?

Sounds like an exciting life being left to live among hundreds, if not thousands, of the most beautiful women in the empire. Let's look at some of the requirements. The first priority is castration. Most likely you'll want to have this procedure done during your childhood. Next, expect to be a part of a dowry offered by your master when his daughter is given in marriage. Okay, you've pa.s.sed the entrance exam, now expect to spend years working your way up the ranks of eunuchs. Finally, you gain favor with the sultan and he makes you the chief eunuch. Your sole reason for being is meeting your master's needs. You need to know the master's mood and select his appropriate bedmate for the evening. You must also instruct the young lady on the master's whims and fantasies and have the appropriate aphrodisiacs ready. As the chief black eunuch you have become the sultan's most trusted servant and the third highest ranking official in his empire. You can enter the harem apartments, command the imperial army, and meet with the sultan. If you are the chief white eunuch, you get to run the bureaucracy and control all pet.i.tions, messages, and state doc.u.ments sent to the sultan, but you cannot enter the harem. Why? Because unlike the black eunuch, who lost everything (anatomically), you still have bits and pieces left and pose a threat.

_04:: How to Furnish Your Harem The Arabic word harem means "the place of the women." The most important part of the harem was the zenana, or the inner sanctum where the sultan's fantasies were played out. The zenana was designed to replicate paradise. Each woman was given her own ornately decorated apartment with its own garden, waterfalls, and running streams. Because the ladies of the harem came from many different cultures, the apartments were furnished to make them feel comfortable and satisfied with their position in life. After all, one must be ready and willing for an unexpected visit from the master. Similarly, the attire was erotic and arousing. The goal was to remain naked while being dressed by wearing translucent muslin and silk garments. The material was so light that many outfits weighed about an ounce. In keeping with the opulence, the garments were adorned with diamonds, gold, rubies, and pearls. Shoes were also covered with precious stones. Finally, the outfit was topped off with an ostrich feather headdress with ruby-covered plumes. Many a sultan spent most of the empire's treasury keeping the ladies-in-waiting happy.

_05:: Keeping Your Harem Under Control During the late 1500s, Mehmed III ascended to the throne of the Ottoman Empire. His mother, Safiye, as the Valide Sultan or leader of the harem, became one of his most important advisers. While not allowed to be directly involved in state politics, Safiye was able to influence the sultan's decisions, sometimes openly and directly. On one occasion, Safiye sat behind a curtain as Mehmed held a heated discussion with a leading mufti (religious cleric) and openly defended her son. As Safiye's influence increased so did the ire it raised among the vizier, the mufti, the chief black eunuch, and the sultan's favorite wives and concubines, who saw Safiye's excessive influence as overstepping her role of Valide Sultan. Mehmed found himself having to restrain his mother and, on at least one occasion, had her removed to another palace. Safiye's excessive greed, coupled with the ever increasing costs of the harem under her control, helped to bring about riots in Istanbul in 1600 over the devaluation of the empire's currency.

4 Original Cities of Sin

(None of Which Had Elvis Impersonators)

Are you tired of Vegas and Havana? Is Bangkok just not providing the immoral rush you're looking for? Well, there's a quick fix for those of you with access to time machines. Just fasten up and warp your way back to some of these sin-sational locales. Judging by what we've heard (you knowwhat happened there but didn't stay there), it's a rollicking good time.

_01:: Sodom and Gomorrah Who wouldn't want to check out the original cities of sin, Sodom and Gomorrah? Located in the beautiful arid wasteland around the Dead Sea (today in central Israel), the twin cities were near valuable mineral deposits, probably the sources of the cities' renowned wealth. Somehow, though, these locales became a byword for sin and corruption, in spite of the fact that the crime that supposedly led to the cities' destruction may not have been h.o.m.os.e.xuality at all, as some have suggested, but inhospitalitythe worst of all sins in the ancient world. According to the Bible, G.o.d rained fire and brimstone on the region and destroyed the towns after promising Abraham that He would spare them if 10 righteous men could be found in their region. Apparently, only one could be found: Lot. Luckily for him, Lot offered hospitality to angelic visitors and was warned of the catastrophe. Oddly enough, the original sin cities sit on a seismically active gap between tectonic plates (where earthquakes and volcanic activity are possible), and the biblical account could be describing some sort of geological upheaval.

_02:: Pessinos If you're looking for a wild night filled with religious ecstasy, you might want to set your time machine for the cla.s.sical age, and check out Pessinos, in Asia Minor. As the center to a mother/G.o.ddess-oriented cult since the Stone Age, Pessinos was known for its wors.h.i.+p of Cybyle, an Anatolian G.o.ddess dedicated to fertility. So, just how fertile was Cybyle? Well, to give you an idea, her statues are pretty easy to recognize since they feature an inordinately large number of b.r.e.a.s.t.s. And while the rites practiced by Cybyle's wors.h.i.+pers are poorly doc.u.mented, the records tend to suggest that they included priests who castrated themselves while in a drug-induced trance, while presiding over midnight dances culminating in wild orgies.

Touch of Evil The 12,000 citizens of Monaco are denied the right to enter Monte Carlo's casino rooms; that privilege is only allowed to visitors. Of course, the income helps keep the locals free from paying taxes, so the trade-off isn't that bad.

_03:: Munster If you're looking for a polygamous good time, you might want to transport yourself back to 1530s Munster, a city in Westphalia, in what is today western Germany, which was a hotbed of Anabaptist agitation. A Christian sect that believed in rebaptizing people once they became adults (their theological descendents today include the Amish), the Anabaptists were persecuted mercilessly elsewhere in Europe both by Catholics and by more conservative Protestants. But in February 1534, the Anabaptists seized Munster in a relatively bloodless coup d'etat, and had their way with the city. One of the Anabaptist leaders, Johann Matthys, declared himself a prophet. Unfortunately, he seems to have believed in his own divinity: when the bishop of Munster arrived with an army, Matthys led 30 followers out to fight and, of course, was slaughtered with his men. Then his disciple, Jan Leiden, took over the town's defense, declared himself the Messiah, and introduced the townsfolk to polygamy (he took 16 wives). The party didn't last forever, thoughafter a solid 16 months of multiwife fun the city was taken by the bishop's army, which killed thousands, and tortured and executed the leaders of the revolt.

_04:: Port Royal The original capital of British Jamaica, Port Royal, is certainly one town that's located on the wrong side of the tracks. The area was a hotbed for rascals, including plenty of pirates, and Limey officials who were happy to look the other way...for a piece of the action, of course. In fact, when pirate crews rolled in to town they could enjoy a wide array of vice to whittle down their profit margins, including prost.i.tutes, gambling, liquor, and drugs smuggled from the Orient and the Middle East. If that doesn't sound like enough fun for you, the streets literally echoed with the sounds of sin: from raucous brawls to the incessant nursery rhyme "Sing a Song of Sixpence" (actually a recruiting jingle for the pirate Blackbeard). And just to prove how corrupt it was, Henry Morgan, an infamous pirate admiral, was actually made lieutenant governor of Jamaica in 1674. Of course, such dens of sin can't last forever, and Port Royal was destroyed in 1692 by an earthquake that dropped three-quarters of it into the sea. An initial attempt at rebuilding burned to the ground in 1704, hurricanes stopped several attempts at rebuilding in the early 1700s, and finally a 1907 earthquake caused the remaining parts of the city to sink. It seems someone upstairs had a grudge against this humble burg.

4 Self-proclaimed Casanovas "How do I love thee?" Well, these guys were big fans of publicly counting the ways...just loud enough that everyone could hear it.

_01:: Clark "the Shark" Gable (19011960) Despite sporting a pair of ears that were potential obstacles in revolving doors, silver screen legend Clark Gable was the leading male s.e.x symbol of his generation. Known as "the King of Hollywood," Clark the Shark bragged that he had made love to women in a fire escape, a duck blind, a canoe, and a telephone booth. Apparently his choice of locations also said a lot about his technique. "G.o.d knows I love Clark," Gable's wife, Carole Lombard, once said, "but he's the worst lay in town. If he had one inch less, he'd be the Queen of Hollywood." As if Lombard's press release wasn't bad enough for his rep, Gable's Gone With the Wind costar, Vivian Leigh, complained that the "King of Hollywood's" breath had been atrocious on set. From his dentures, no less!

_02:: Frasier the Sensuous Lion (19511972) This guy didn't actually do much bragging about his amorous exploits, but then again, he didn't have tohis proof was walking all around him! Frasier was about 20 years old, ancient for a lion, when he came to a wild animal park in southern California. The Mexican circus refugee was so doddering he could hardly walk, and his keepers figured his demise would occur any day. But that didn't stop the old lion from tomcatting about. Frasier hung on for 18 months and sired a stunning 35 cubs in his spare time. Amazingly, the press about the fertile feline was so widespread that Frasier fan clubs started sprouting up across the country. Wives even began writing in to find out what park rangers were feeding the beast. In fact, the lion's fame grew so much that a popular song was written about him, and a film was made. When the old cat's time finally came, it's said, Frasier the Sensuous Lion went with a smile on his face.

_03:: Good Wilt's Hunting (19361999) When it came to basketball, very few people could take it to the hoop any better than Wilt the Stilt. But it's a wonder he had the stamina. In his 1991 autobiography, Chamberlain claimed to have slept with about 20,000 women over a 38-year period. Of course, Chamberlain was roundly criticized for everything from propagating s.e.xual stereotypes about African American men to having s.e.x with women outside his race to just plain flaunting his conquests. But the lifelong bachelor said that, whatever else he might be doing, he wasn't bragging. "If you look at it," he said in a 1997 interview, "you can say that I had so many women because I was such a bad lover, they never came back a second time."

Lies Your Mother

Told You

ALL AUTHORS ARE CADS.

No matter what your momma (or your swooning lit teacher) told you, not all authors suffer from odd fetishes or omnivorous appet.i.tes. D. H. Lawrence, whose Lady Chatterly's Lover was so scandalous that it was banned in Britain until 1960, was happily and faithfully married (although his wife was, briefly, a bigamist, having failed to divorce her first husband before eloping with Lawrence). And some noted authors barely had s.e.x at all. Most notable among them was the playwright George Bernard Shaw. Shaw didn't lose his virginity until his 29th birthday ( July 26, 1885), when he slept with a 44-year-old widow. It may have been the only s.e.xual encounter of his life. He married Charlotte Townshend in 1898, not because he loved her but because Shaw thought he was dying and wanted to offer his friend Charlotte the social and financial benefits of widowhood. As it turns out, the two were marriedhappily, but most likely celibatelyfor 45 years.

_04:: Hugh Hefner: Playboy Original (1926) When Hugh Hefner was 75 years old, a reporter asked about his recent love life, and Hef replied it was "a natural oneexcept it involved five people." The founder of Playboy magazine and patriarch of the s.e.xual Revolution, Hefner virtually lives in his pajamas, and even a stroke in 1985 didn't slow him down. In 2001, Hefner told Vanity Fair magazine that thanks to v.i.a.g.r.a, which came on the market two months after his second divorce, he was sleeping with seven women between the ages of 18 and 28, usually simultaneously. "And here's the surprise bit," Hefner said. "It's what they want." Hefner's mom lived to be 101, and he says his goal is to stay frisky at least that long.

They Did a Bad, Bad Thing:

5 So-called Virtuous Figures Who Got Caught with Their Flies Down (or Skirts Up)

This quintet of folks didn't exactly practice what they preached. Please bless them, Father, 'cause they've most certainly sinned.

_01:: Aimee Semple McPherson (18901944) By the mid-1920s, evangelist McPherson was packing them in at her Angelus Temple in Los Angeles, preaching hope and warning against the sinful life. But in 1926, she disappeared while swimming at a local beach. She turned up a month later with a fantastic story about being kidnapped and taken to Mexico. Unfortunately, the evidence said otherwise: It appeared li'l Aimee had been shacked up with a married man. The evangelist was charged with perjury, but she stuck to her story and was eventually acquitted. Her popularity waned after the scandal, but you gotta hand it to her for chutzpah: instead of apologizing to her confused flock, McPherson bobbed her hair, bought some short skirts, and began dancing and drinking in public.

_02:: Jim Bakker (1941) Simple people with a simple dream, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker started out hosting a children's religious puppet show. By the mid-1970s, however, the fabulous Bakker duo had become the toast of televangelism. They pulled in millions of dollars in contributions to their PTL (Praise the Lord) ministry, and even built a sort of fundamentalist Disneyland called Heritage USA in South Carolina. But Jim had a couple of dirty little secrets. He had paid a former church secretary named Jessica Hahn to keep quiet about a s.e.xual encounter they had in 1980. But when the scandal broke in 1987, questions began to be raised about Bakker's financial dealings. In 1989, he was sentenced to 45 years in prison for fleecing his flock of $158 million. In the end he only served five, and moved forward with his life, eventually opening a new ministry in a restaurant in Branson, Missouri.

_03:: Jimmy Swaggart (1935) Swaggart was one of Jim Bakker's fiercest critics when the Bakker scandal broke, telling an interviewer he himself had never even kissed a woman other than his wife. Maybe not. But the bombastic and fantastically successful television preacherand cousin to rock-and-roll legend Jerry Lee Lewiswas doing something with that prost.i.tute in a cheap New Orleans hotel room in early 1988. Swaggart's tearful, televised confession kept his $12-million-a-year, 10,000-employee religious empire togetheruntil he got caught with his pants down again. That's right, swingin' Jimmy Swaggart was linked to (brace yourself!) another hooker in 1991. A couple of lost lawsuits, an IRS tax lien, and that was the end of the line for Jimmy Swaggart. Well, not exactly. As of mid-2004, he was still hurling rhetorical fire and brimstone on TV, albeit on a much smaller scale.

_04:: Amrit Desai (1932) A onetime art student, Amrit Desai came to the United States from India in 1960. He began giving yoga lessons on the side and ended up training several thousand people, who in turn became yoga instructors around the country. With his followers calling him "guru dev," or "beloved teacher," one of the things Desai taught at the yoga center he founded in Ma.s.sachusetts in 1972 was that celibacy was spiritually mandatory for unmarried people. Desai even took a vow of celibacy himself in 1974, despite being married with children. No wonder it was something of a shock (perhaps greatest to his wife) when in 1994, the beloved teacher admitted to having affairs with three of his followers. The scandal forced Desai to resign his $150,000-a-year post. He eventually moved to Florida, but kept up the yoga.

_05:: Paul R. Shanley (1931) In the 1970s, Shanley was known as "the hippie priest"; he was a Roman Catholic clergyman whose specialty was ministering to kids struggling with their s.e.xual ident.i.ty. By 2002, however, Shanley was a central figure in the greatest scandal ever to hit the Catholic Church in the United States. Shanley was accused of molesting more than two dozen boys over a 35-year span. Thrown out of the priesthood, Shanley was still awaiting trial at the end of 2004 on rape and indecent a.s.sault charges. Subsequent investigations into other allegations in the Boston archdiocese resulted in the Church paying $85 million in 2003 to 552 people who claimed to have been abused by priests. It also triggered similar probes, and similar results, in other areas of the country.

6 Presidential Affairs (Cigar Not Included) Contrary to popular belief, Bill Clinton wasn't exactly the first president to get caught in the act. The following are some of the past presidents who helped unite the country in more ways than one.

_01:: The Many Loves of a Founding Father Known for his extreme intellect and skills at diplomacy, Thomas Jefferson is truly one of America's founding fathers, but in more ways than just patriotic. Considered a loving and faithful husband to Martha during their 10 years of marriage before her death, Tom Jefferson was actually a bit of a tomcat. In fact, the Virginia statesman had a notorious penchant for other men's wives. While on a trip to New York in 1768, John Walker asked Tom to look after his wife, and that he did, literally. Later, in 1786, as amba.s.sador to France, Jefferson fell deeply in love with Maria Conway, the wife of portraitist Richard Conway. Legend has it that one day while walking through the countryside, Tom tried to show off for the blus.h.i.+ng (Conway) bride and fell while jumping a fence only to break his wrist. But Tom's best-known relations.h.i.+p was with Sally Hemings, his slave and his late wife's half sister. Their relations.h.i.+p went on for 35 years and provided Jefferson a number of heirs.

_02:: Grover Cleveland, the Honorable Gentleman from New York?

In 1873, a young, politically aspiring bachelor named Grover Cleveland met Maria Halpin, a 35-year-old widow with two children. Maria's looks and personality made her the talk of Buffalo and Grover soon found himself among Halpin's many suitors. Well, more than just a suitor. In 1874, Halpin bore a son and insinuated that old Grover was the pop. Grover, not sure that he actually was the father, and not intending to marry Maria, decided to do the right thing and bear financial responsibility for the child. He also helped Maria get treatment for her alcoholism and actually set her up in her own business. During the 1884 presidential campaign, however, Cleveland's opposition dug up the old story and printed it in the press. Interestingly, a number of clergy members supporting Cleveland did a study of the case and found that after the "preliminary offense" Cleveland had done the responsible and honorable thing. More important in their minds, he'd s.h.i.+elded many married men in Buffalo (and their families) from public scandal. Oddly enough, because of this, even many of Grover's opponents supported his run for the presidency.

Touch of Evil FDR seemed like a ripe fit for The Jerry Springer Show. Not only did he marry his cousin, but he was involved in multiple affairs, which his wife, Eleanor, countered by having a rumored 30-year lesbian affair with a reporter named Lorena Hickok.

_03:: Warren G., Carrie P., and Nan B.

Far from the run-of the-mill tales you hear of political ambition, Warren G. Harding was a small-town Ohio newspaper editor who ran for senator because he liked the gentlemen's club atmosphere and the light workload of the U.S. Senate. However, his wife, Florence, had bigger plans, and Warren somehow found his way to the presidency in 1920. Not at all equipped to run a nation, Harding preferred to let Congress lead while he golfed and had s.e.x with his mistress in closets throughout the White House. But Harding's philandering began well before his run for president. For 15 years, Warren maintained an active love interest with Carrie Phillips, the wife of his close friend. But when Harding ran for president, the Phillipses threatened to go public. So to secure their silence, the Republican National Party came to the rescue and sent Mr. and Mrs. Phillips on a world trip, plus they threw in $20,000 to boot. But it appears Warren didn't quite learn his lesson. Soon after winning the White House he began a secret relations.h.i.+p with Nan Britton, 30 years his junior. With the Secret Service ordered not to inform the First Lady, Nan was routinely ushered into the White House and many a West Wing closet became their intimate playground.

_04:: FDR and His Wife's Secretary Best known as the president who brought the United States through the Great Depression, Franklin Delano Roosevelt is also known for his longtime affair with Lucy Mercer, his wife, Eleanor's social secretary. In 1918, upon FDR's return from a trip to Europe as a.s.sistant secretary of the Navy, Eleanor confronted Franklin with the love letters she'd found and offered him a divorce. Knowing that a divorce at the time would destroy his political ambitions, Franklin said he'd stop seeing Lucy if Eleanor would agree to remain married. Unfortunately, he didn't keep to his new deal. Lucy continued to visit the White House with regularity, especially when Eleanor was out of town. Years later, the widowed Lucy even became a frequent visitor to the South Carolina plantation where FDR was recuperating from his bad health. In fact, it was Lucy, not Eleanor, who was with FDR on April 12, 1945, when he was struck with the cerebral hemorrhage that killed him.

_05:: Ike and KayDid They or Didn't They?

Many a book, movie, and television show have portrayed the close relations.h.i.+p during World War II between Dwight Eisenhower and his Irish driver, Kay Summersby. As the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces, Ike found himself responsible for millions of lives, but not having anyone he could share his close thoughts and feelings with. With Ike's wife Mamie over 3,000 miles away, the young, witty, and attractive Kay capably filled that role. But once the gossip columns got wind of this, talk of their so-called relations.h.i.+p spread on both sides of the Atlantic. With constant rea.s.surances from Ike, Mamie believed that no s.e.xual liaisons ever occurred between Ike and Kay and at the end of the war Ike returned to the States and Kay remained in England. Their lives moved forward, and Ike was elected president in 1952. As the decades proceeded, though, the private lives of the 1940s and '50s quickly became the public domain of the '60s, and the rumors of the affair again surfaced though no evidence of a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p was ever found. Years later, before her death, Summersby wrote that her relations.h.i.+p with Ike had been close, flirtatious, and intimate, but had never been consummated.

_06:: JFK and the Other Mistress It's common knowledge that President Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe were an item. Less known, however, is the relations.h.i.+p that John F. had with Judith Campbell Exner, an affair that definitely falls under the category of dangerous liaisons. The extremely beautiful Exner was introduced to Kennedy by Frank Sinatra in 1960. However, Miss Exner was also romantically involved with Sam Giancana, one of the most powerful Mafia bosses of the time. And while their relations.h.i.+p remained secret from the public, it was well known around the White House and by Jackie Kennedy. FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, as he'd done with other presidents, had Exner tailed so that he had information to blackmail Kennedy with. In fact, Exner's affair with JFK remained a secret long after Kennedy's a.s.sa.s.sination, until in 1975 a number of Republican members of the Senate Select Committee to Study Governmental Operations with Respect to Intelligence Activities (aka the Church Committee) leaked the information to the press. With the secret out of the bag, it quickly fueled the fires of conspiracy theorists wondering if the relations.h.i.+p in any way had played into JFK's a.s.sa.s.sination.

Crackers, Corn Flakes, and Chast.i.ty Belts, Oh My!

4 Victorian Tricks for Restraining That Mojo

Ever play the game where someone tells you to picture anything in the world but an elephant? Anything but an elephant. And as you struggle to concentrate, all you can see are visions of Dumbo, Babar, and Snuffleupagus. Well, that's kind of what everyone in the Victorian age did with s.e.x. It's a wonder they didn't produce more kids.

_01:: Fanning the Flames In the Victorian age, an eligible Victor couldn't just cruise up to a Victoria and put the moves on her. No, in the extraordinarily prudish age proper etiquette had to be maintained at all times. A man, for instance, needed to be formally introduced to a woman before he could approach and talk to her. However, that didn't exactly mean that flirting was off-limits at social events. In fact, it was pretty en vogue. And one of the most subtle ways of demonstrating interest or disinterest was through the use of hand fans. In fact, a whole sign language was created around fan movements and placement. If a young lady let her fan rest on her right cheek, it meant she was interested; if she placed it on the left, however, it meant the guy was being pa.s.sed over (subtle, but hars.h.!.+). Similarly, if she moved the fan slowly it was a signal that she was already engaged or married. If she held the fan in front of her face with her right hand, it was a signal for the young man to follow her. Finally, if she moved the fan across her forehead, it meant they were being watched. Whew! With all the mixed signals, restrictions, and rites of courts.h.i.+p, it's amazing anyone found time to procreate.

_02:: A Flaky Approach If in the 19th century Victorians were very concerned about curtailing s.e.xual urges, they were fanatic over masturbation. Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, a lecturer and so-called health "expert," proclaimed that masturbation caused a whole series of medical problems including enlarged prostate, kidney and bladder infections, piles, nocturnal emissions, and general exhaustion (guess blindness wasn't added until later). Kellogg actually came up with a list of 39 signs that could be used to spot masturbators running the gamut from sleeplessness to biting one's fingernails to using obscene language. Like other thinkers of his time, Kellogg saw a connection between one's bowels and genitals with the proper diet being the answer. So he created a cold breakfast cereal, which he originally called Granola. Unfortunately, another masturbation expert had already used that name so Kellogg changed the cereal's name to Corn Flakes. However, it should be mentioned that Kellogg never consummated his own marriage, preferring yogurt enemas instead.

Lies Your Mother

Told You

CHASt.i.tY BELTS.

So, about those chast.i.ty belts...did they really exist or are they nothing more than a Victorian myth? Well, the fact is, the jury's still out. Thought to have been invented in Italy during the 14th century, the urban legend of the belts became popular in the rest of Europe. The ant.i.thesis of anything PC, the belts were basically used to maintain s.e.xual control over women by covering the private area and keeping it under lock and key. And while many a suspicious husband may have lauded the invention, there's recent evidence that suggests the chast.i.ty belt may have been more of a Victorian myth than a reality. In 1996, two British historians reported that there was no medical evidence from the time of Chaucer through the Victorian period that chast.i.ty belts existed or were commonly used. Of course, they had the weight of the British Museum of London behind them. Agreeing with the two historians, the museum removed an alleged chast.i.ty belt that had been on exhibit since 1846 *