Classics Mutilated Part 19

"Magic!" whispered Eleanor in awestruck tones. "Don't interrupt him."

"The squares of the periods of revolution of the planets about the Sun are proportional to the cubes of their mean distances from it," chanted Einstein. Suddenly he relaxed and looked at his companions. "Okay," he said. "The plane will be invulnerable to German fire for the next seventy-three minutes. Now you can land."

"By G.o.d!" said Leonardo. "How can the Germans stand up to a brain like that?"

"It's not that simple," said Einstein. "My magic only works on normal n.a.z.is, not on Himmler's super Aryans. For that, we need some very special magic, some spell that's never been cast before."

"So cast it," said Leonardo.

"I'm working on it," said Einstein. He closed his eyes, held out his hands, and chanted, "E equals MC cubed!"

"The engine just died," announced Leonardo.

"d.a.m.n!" said Einstein as they glided silently toward the ground. "I thought I had it this time!"

c d "All right," said Himmler. "The Fuhrer is coming by to inspect you any minute now. I want you to line up alphabetically."

"But there are twelve Heinrichs," said Heinrich Number 9.

"All right," said Himmler. "By height."

"We're all the same size."

"Draw straws," snarled Himmler.

"Give us some pencils," said Heinrich Number 6. "And where do you want us to draw them?"

Heinrich Number 8 emerged from the bathroom and rejoined the others. "Did I miss anything important?" he asked.

"Shut up!" snapped Himmler. "I want you all to line up numerically."

"Right to left, or left to right?" asked Heinrich Number 1.

"Yes!" yelled Himmler.

After a few moments of confusion, the twelve super Aryan Heinrichs were finally in line.

"Where do I go?" asked Adolf.

"Alphabetically," said Himmler.

"But they're all numerical."

"All right-numerically."

"But I don't have a number."

"Adolf, you are an idiot!" screamed Himmler.

"What did you call me?" bellowed a familiar voice from behind him.

"Oh, s.h.i.+t!" said Himmler as his knees began to tremble.

"150 propositions from French men before we even leave the airport!" said Eleanor wearily. "Can the super Aryans be any more exhausting?" She paused, frowning. "Maybe having this figure isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I never got this tired fighting off Republicans."

"I think your response-the one that scared them all away-was a stroke of genius," replied Einstein. "Three little words and they were dispersed to the four winds."

"I'll have to remember them the next time we're in France," said Eleanor. "Marry me first," she intoned. "Suddenly they looked like a bunch of sprinters trying out for the Olympics."

"Brilliant," agreed Einstein. "I wouldn't try it in Beirut, though, or even Dubai."

"I wonder where all the n.a.z.is are," said Eleanor. "We didn't see a single one."

"Probably at the Folies Bergere or maybe the Lido," answered Einstein. "Or robbing art treasures from the Louvre. They do that a lot. I suppose we could pop over there and stop them?"

"Why bother?" she asked. "You already said there are no Norman Rockwells there. There are probably no Virgil Finlays or Frank R. Pauls either. Just a bunch of guys with funny names. No, Little Al, I've stretched my gorgeous cellulite-free legs now. Let's move on to Berlin."

"There's the plane," he said, as they entered the small, private airport where Leonardo had set it down and was trying to start the engine.

Suddenly they found their way blocked by five armed n.a.z.is in uniform.

"I've been wondering where you guys were," said Eleanor, sword in hand. "Prepare to meet your maker."

"Meet my baker?" said one with a hearing aid. "What on earth is she talking about?"

"Your maker, your maker!" she snapped.

"I'm still confused," said the n.a.z.i. "Is she talking about one of my parents?"

"I'm talking about your G.o.d!" roared Eleanor.

"You'll have to talk to someone else, then," he replied. "We members of the Master Race aren't allowed to believe in G.o.d."

"That's not entirely true," said one of his companions. "We're allowed to wors.h.i.+p Mars, G.o.d of War."

"And I think we can wors.h.i.+p Colgate, G.o.d of Healthy Teeth," said another.

"Enough!" snapped Eleanor. "Prepare to die!"

"If I'm going to prepare for it," said another n.a.z.i, "I have to go back to Hamburg and write my will, and pay off all my creditors, and tell my wife where I really was during that snowstorm last February. I don't suppose you could wait right here for eight weeks until I take care of all that and come back, could you?"

"You are the talkiest soulless s.a.d.i.s.tic fiends I've ever met!" said Eleanor. "Well, since Alf Landon and Wendell Willkie, anyway. Now, are you going to fight or are you going to talk?"

"You are Big El, aren't you?" asked still another n.a.z.i.

"That's right."

"Then I guess we're going to talk. We have orders to escort you to Berlin, and not to rob Herr Himmler's Horrendous Horde From h.e.l.l of the fun of slowly dismembering you."

Eleanor turned to Einstein. "What do you think, Little Al?"

He turned to Leonardo's plane. "F equals MC squared!" he chanted.

Both wings fell off, and one of the tires went flat.

Einstein turned back to the n.a.z.is. "You have transportation?"

"Of course."

"Then I guess we're going with you," said Einstein.

As they were climbing aboard the n.a.z.is' plane, one of them pulled Eleanor aside.

"I don't mean to be forward," he said, lowering his voice so only she could hear it. "But if, on the thousand-to-one chance that you survive your forthcoming duel to the death with Himmler's Horrendous Horde, would you like to get together afterward? I'd love to show you the sights of Berlin at night."

She gave him a smile. "Marry me first," she whispered.

He sat as far from her as possible, and didn't speak to her for the duration of the flight or the rest of this story.

The red phone on the President's desk began ringing, and Roosevelt picked it up.

"You know who this is?" said a voice with a heavy German accent.

"I can guess," said Roosevelt. "What do you want?"

"You know your wife is on her way here with that little turncoat Ein ... Ein ..."-he forced the word out-"Einstein."

"I'm aware of it."

"You really think to destroy my super Aryans?" demanded Hitler.

"You have nothing to fear but Eleanor herself," said Roosevelt.

"I have a proposition," said Hitler. "Why don't we let the coming battle between your wife and my Aryans determine the war-winner take all?"

"Why should I make a deal like that when half your army is freezing to death in Russia?"

"You're not supposed to know that!" screamed Hitler. There was an uneasy pause. "I mean-"

"Forget it," said Roosevelt. "Now, if you want to make a little side bet ..."

"A million marks to a million dollars!" said Hitler promptly.

"Come on, Adolf," said Roosevelt. "You've devalued your currency so much that a million marks barely buys a loaf of bread."

"But it is good German bread!" protested the Fuhrer.

"Not a chance."

"Wait a minute!" said Hitler. "We own France, too! A million dollars against a million francs!"

"Goodbye, Adolf."

Roosevelt hung up the phone and went back to studying his crystal ball.

c d "Welcome to Berlin, Fraulein," said one of the guards at the airfield.

"Thank you," said Eleanor, who saw no reason to tell him, or anyone else, that she was actually a Frau.

"You may find our nights a little chilly for your apparel."

"Have you a nice, heavy, shapeless coat that I can use to cover myself?" she asked.

"NO!" cried all the other guards.

The guard shrugged helplessly. "I guess not."

"I'm sure I'll be fine," she said.

"You are escorting her to Gestapo headquarters," said one of the n.a.z.is who had accompanied her from Paris.

"Just her?"

Einstein stepped forward. "Me too."

"You too?" repeated the guard. "That's funny. You don't look too-ish."

"Actually," said another guard, "he does."

"Just get us there," said Einstein. "We're wasting time."

"Who are you to give us orders?"

"I'm Little Al, that's who," he said. Suddenly he closed his eyes and began chanting a spell. "The area of a triangle is one half times the base length times the height of the triangle."

"Yes, sir," said the guard as he and his companions seemed to fall into a trancelike state. "This way, sir. Watch your step, sir."

"Thank you," said Einstein.

The guards led them to a truck.

"That looks uncomfortable," said Eleanor. "Haven't you got a car?"

"The Fuhrer has outlawed all makes and models but the Volkswagen," came the answer. "Except for his own fleet of Cadillacs, that is."

"So?"

"The Volkswagen is the smallest, most uncomfortable car in all of Europe," said the guard. "It reminds me of a beetle the way it hugs the ground. I know the Fuhrer is perfect and infallible and all that, but if he really thinks these undersized monstrosities are ever going to be popular...."