According To Jane Part 19

We laughed, and I couldn't help but wonder yet again what it would be like to be parents with Andrei. I could see him holding our baby, cradling the infant in his large arms ever so gently. I was nearly moved to tears by the image. I caught his eye and tried to convey my devotion with a glance. His look telegraphed tenderness. I hoped that was what he felt. I hoped, in fact, he felt the dawning of commitment.

This is a rather romantic setting, is it not? Jane observed. In spite of the bevy of youngsters.

They say there's nothing like a wedding to bring a couple together, I replied.

Jane laughed. "They" say a great many things better left unspoken. Think for yourself, Ellie. Do not rely on the professed wisdom of others.

I rely on YOUR wisdom, Jane. Would you suggest I start ignoring you, too?

She sniffed. I believe you already do that routinely.

Well, that shut me up.

A few minutes later, the cake was brought out. Andrei nudged me with his knee. "I have idea."

I watched in antic.i.p.ation as Mark and Seth cut their cake-complete with two grooms atop it-and the photographer's camera flashed to doc.u.ment the occasion. The caterers began pa.s.sing out slices, and we were one of the first tables to be served.

Andrei stood up and snagged both our plates of cake while Kim and Tom tried to keep their children from smearing the frosting on each other and themselves. "Excuse us," he said. My preoccupied parent friends scarcely noticed our departure.

"This way," Andrei whispered to me. And, little sheep that I was, I followed him without a second thought.

He led me back toward where the catering trucks were, and he pointed to a small one. "That is one big cake came in," he informed me. "Workers are too busy now cutting pieces and serving. Truck is empty."

"Oh," I said, but I was thinking, How resourceful of him.

"Come."

The back doors flapped open in the breeze, so he lifted me inside and locked them shut behind us. With the doors closed, it was pitch black.

"Take off pretty dress, Ellie."

My eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark, but I glanced around, trying to see the inside of the truck anyway. "Here?"

One of his hands groped my breast. "Yes. Here."

I was only just beginning to detect shadows and could now perceive Andrei's silhouette in front of me. He was still holding the cake plates, both in his right hand while his left continued to caress me.

I unzipped the scoop-necked dress, s.h.i.+vered and stepped out of it. Then I placed it carefully on a box or a crate or a something, away from us. When I stood near Andrei again, he dipped his finger into the frosting and smeared it on my chest.

"Yummy," he said as I gasped. "This is how I want to eat cake." Then, as his fingertips decorated my body with white cake and frosting, he began to sing to me, low and slow, half in broken English and half in Russian, in between licking off his designs.

I locked Jane out of my mind (best for all concerned) and what followed was raunchy, wild, highly erotic and unbelievably weird.

Every second that ticked by I wondered if someone would swing open those doors. I wondered how I'd keep pace with Andrei when we were married and together every night. And I wondered how my body could respond with such explosiveness whenever we touched.

What began as a fog of confusion, though, cleared into sky-blue certainty: This must be special. A rare connection. A sign.

And Andrei's lyrics in the midst of his s.e.xual fervor brought E. M. Forster unwittingly to mind. "Only connect the prose and the pa.s.sion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height,'" I quoted to myself, giggling at the juxtaposition.

"What is funny?" Andrei asked me.

I kissed him hard. "I'm just happy. You make me happy." And I meant it. As offbeat as our relations.h.i.+p had been, I could feel the completion of my life just beyond my grasp. This time, I'd reach it, and I'd "live in fragments no longer."

He returned the kiss, nipping a bit more, too, but he said nothing until we heard voices outside.

"Who is here?" he whispered.

"Oh, s.h.i.+t!" I jumped away to slide again into my dress, and Andrei hastily re-zipped his pants.

The truck's back doors jerked, but didn't open.

"It's locked," a male voice said. "You got the key?"

"Nope. Where's Val? She should have one," a lady answered. "You wanna wait here while I get it?"

In the dark, Andrei shook his head, as if telling the man to say no, but even in deep shadow I could make out the broad grin on his face. My heart pounded in my chest like we were tangoing on landmines, but he was enjoying this. No, loving this. I held my breath. We were such different people, Andrei and I. But opposites attracted, right?

The guy outside answered, "Nah. I'll go with you. I can grab a few more trays then." I heard their voices grow softer as they walked away.

We managed to slip out of the truck unnoticed, but on our way back to the table Mark materialized, a blond Adonis in a black tuxedo.

"Well, here you two are. I've been looking all over for you. Been wanting to meet you." He held out his palm toward Andrei, and the men shook hands.

I spoke too fast, I knew, explaining with wild hand gestures how we'd been out taking a walk...because, um...it was such a lovely area and the weather was so mild. Mark shot me a sharp look and Andrei glanced around as if searching for an escape route. I pressed on anyway, eventually making the official introductions.

Andrei spoke up then. "This is very nice ceremony and dinner."

"Thanks. We've been looking forward to this day for ages." Mark sniffed the air. "Hey, did you guys get any cake? G.o.d, I'm smelling it everywhere." He paused and looked around. "Hmm. Anyway, I think they've got a few pieces left on the table if you missed out."

We a.s.sured him we'd tried it.

"Good," Mark said. "So, Andrei-" He got the devilish glint in his eye that I remembered so well from our college days. "Tell me, what are your intentions with our young Ellie? Should Seth and I have reason to expect a cake-filled celebration for you two anytime soon?"

Andrei looked momentarily confused, no doubt trying to reconcile the way we'd conducted ourselves over the past half hour in regards to "cake" with what Mark had really been asking. "We see in time," he said finally.

Mark c.o.c.ked a brow. "Well, just keep us posted, will you?" Then he shook hands with Andrei again and leaned in to plant more kisses on my cheeks. "You smell tasty, El," he whispered in my ear. "Hope it was fun."

My eyes widened at this, and I tried to look innocent, but from the expression on my friend's face, he wasn't buying it. He winked at me, waved to Andrei and strode off grinning.

"He knows," I said, closing my eyes. "I don't know how, but he figured it out."

Andrei shrugged.

Then I looked down at my dress. It was on correctly, but a streak of white frosting marked my chest like an insignia, just above the plunging neckline. "Oh," I said.

Andrei rested his hand on my shoulder and patted me. "I missed a spot."

"Guess so." I tried to fight the embarra.s.sment as I brushed away the smudge with the tissue he handed me, but it was a losing battle. Andrei was unconcerned, probably even proud of his s.e.xual exploits. I was still a geek at heart.

But I had a great lover now. One who'd stand by me. I had a reason to change.

I took a deep breath, determined to be cool for once in my life. The words that emerged from my mouth, however, were anything but.

"So, about what Mark said-" I began. "We haven't really talked much about the future..." I trailed off, hoping he'd take the hint and finish the thought.

He said nothing.

"Um, well, do you have some kind of a plan in mind? A sort of time frame for getting more involved, you know?"

He gave me a blank stare.

I waited him out this time.

"It is wedding now for other people," he said. "We talk more when we go home."

In an odd way, I took this as symbolically encouraging. He didn't want to mix up our own wedding plans with those of others. He wanted our marriage to be distinct from the events around us. Something just the two of us would construct.

Throughout the dance that night, I watched him carefully. Everything I thought and felt, he confirmed by his actions. He sat back and relaxed, allowing me to chat with friends as he absorbed the atmosphere in reflective silence. We danced together several times, but on the few occasions when some other woman approached him, undoubtedly to beg for a waltz or a two-step, he always politely turned her down.

I considered this proof he was mine.

Twenty-four hours later, on the eleven-hour drive back to Chicago, I napped in the pa.s.senger seat while Andrei sped us home. I was exhausted from the busy weekend, pleased to have seen my old college friends again and relieved Andrei didn't suggest stopping at a roadside 7-Eleven for a quickie. One happy girl.

"I am caring deeply about you, Ellie," Andrei said after I woke up.

I grinned at him. "I feel the same way about you. You know that."

He nodded. "Yes. But here is problem. I want to be with other women."

I blinked, aware the Michigan landscape was going by far too fast and maybe I'd missed something in the blur. "Sorry, um, what?"

"I am wanting to be with other women. You know. Talking? Dating? f.u.c.king?"

Something inside my chest turned to lead. "What?"

He sighed. "I know you are not wanting to hear this, but I care about you. I remember what you said long time ago. If I am wanting to cheat, you say, I should break up with you." He looked me in the eye, which wasn't a real bright idea given his driving speed. "I am doing this. I must break up with you now. It is your wish."

"No!" I ground out. "It's not my wish. I don't want our relations.h.i.+p to end. Andrei, I-I love you."

There. I'd finally said it. I'd finally gotten those words out to him, and I was sure...well, pretty sure I meant them. He had to feel the same way. My G.o.d, after everything we'd done together, he had to love me back. Or at least be close to it.

He nodded some more and stepped harder on the accelerator. "I am caring for you, Ellie, but is not deep love. I am sorry. I quickly am-what is right word? Finding boredom? I need our s.e.x to be more exciting and, after while with same person, this is not so possible. Even when we try new things." He paused to catch his breath and s.h.i.+ft gears. "It is not good idea to stay in relations.h.i.+p. I will be having other women soon."

"Please don't do this. Please." My voice sounded pitiful.

He looked at me as if he'd known all along I'd react like this. As if this were the reason he'd waited to broach the topic. He sensed I'd dissolve into a blubbering, begging mess, and he didn't want it witnessed by anyone.

"I am feeling sorry to make you sad. But this is truth, Ellie."

"Well, I don't want the f.u.c.king truth right now," I shouted. And for the next three hours at least, I meant every word.

I wanted my fantasy, dammit.

I wanted my G.o.dd.a.m.n happily ever after, complete with cute babies and an adoring husband.

And, despite being given every reason to hate the guy, I still wanted Andrei.

He'd been honorable enough to face me. To break things off before cheating on me. To let me sniffle like a lost toddler for hours in his car. How could he like me, respect me, make love to me as only he had done, and not want to be with me forever?

Over the next couple of weeks, I tried every Get-Him-Back ploy in the book. I did all those embarra.s.sing things that desperate women do: Calling him at odd hours then hanging up the phone when he answered.

Writing him long, plaintive letters-complete with the world's worst poetry-some of which I sent, many of which I thankfully didn't.

Stalking his apartment complex like a drive-by shooter might, fantasizing about pitching soggy tissues at him if ever I saw him in pa.s.sing. I never did see him.

Meeting him for a few of those awful, post-breakup tete-a-tetes where the breakup-er suffers through an hour of memory rehas.h.i.+ng and the breakup-ee pleads their relations.h.i.+p's hopeless case.

None of it worked and, despite Jane's attempts at comforting me, I wrapped up the school year in a haze of wretchedness.

My sister, now legally separated from Alex and waiting out the last month until their divorce was finalized, said after another week of my moping, "I know it sucks, El, but move on."

This was one situation where I knew I couldn't say, "What do you know, Di?" because it was clear she did know. Her big brown eyes showed surprising compa.s.sion.

So, I said, "I'll try."

Of course I really didn't try. It was too hard. I missed Andrei-our companions.h.i.+p, our in-jokes, our incredible s.e.xual chemistry, even our dangerous liaisons in public places. And too many things reminded me of him.

I'd gotten a summer job at the Glen Forest Book Shoppe for the extra cash and the employee discount, but everywhere I looked there were books or CDs that screamed out Andrei's name to me.

Immigration in America.

Chicago Nightlife-The Hot Spots.

U2's Greatest Hits.

And, of course, anything by Dostoevsky.

I once had to restock the "World Music" CDs, and I almost broke down when I got to the Russian section. It was bad.

One late-June afternoon, as I was working the cas.h.i.+er station, a voice I'd never forgotten said, "Hi, Ellie."

I looked up. Sam Blaine.

I looked down and sighed. The man had a gift. He had a knack for showing up at the worst possible times in my life. Why should this time be any different?

Oh, good Lord! Jane exclaimed. Not HIM again.

I looked back up and mustered my courage. "Sam. This is a surprise. You're back in Illinois?"