I'm Thinking Of Ending Things Part 15

The first time I met Ms. Veal was in my kitchen. I was seven. I'd been hearing her name for years. I knew she called my mom a lot. She called my mom to tell her all the bad things that had been happening to her. Mom would always listen. It wasn't like Mom didn't have her own issues. And these calls would go on for hours at a time.

Sometimes I'd answer when she called, and as soon as I heard her voice, I felt uneasy. Sometimes I would try to listen after my mom picked up another phone, but always within a few seconds she would say, "Yes, okay. I've got it, you can hang up now."

Ms. Veal had a cast on her right hand. I remember Mom saying there was always something wrong with Ms. Veal, a tensor bandage on her wrist or a brace on her knee. Her face was the way I'd pictured her voice on the phone-sharp and old. She had curly reddish-brown hair.

She was over at our house because she was collecting our bacon fat. Mom used to keep our bacon fat in a container in the freezer. Ms. Veal made Yorks.h.i.+re pudding with bacon fat but never cooked bacon herself. Every so often, Mom would meet her somewhere or go over to her house with the fat.

This one time, Mom invited Ms. Veal over. I was home sick from school and was sitting in the kitchen. Mom made tea; Ms. Veal brought her oatmeal cookies. The fat exchange took place, and then the two ladies sat and chatted over tea.

Ms. Veal never said h.e.l.lo to me or even looked at me. I was still in my pajamas. I had a fever. I was eating toast. I didn't want to be sitting at the table with that woman. And then, Mom left the room. I can't remember why; maybe she went to the bathroom. I was alone with her, that woman, Ms. Veal. I could barely move. Ms. Veal stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

"Are you good or are you bad?" she asked. She was playing with a strand of her hair, curling it around her finger. "If you give up, you're bad."

I didn't know what she was talking about or what to say. No adult, especially one I didn't know, had ever talked to me like that before.

"If you're good, you can have a cookie. If you're bad, then maybe you'll have to come live with me instead of living here in this house with your parents."

I was petrified. I couldn't answer her question.

"You shouldn't be so shy. You have to get over that."

Her voice was just like it had been on the phone-whiny, high-pitched, and flat. There was nothing put on, nothing friendly or gentle about her. She glared at me.

I could barely talk to a stranger at the best of times. I didn't like strangers and often felt humiliated when having to explain something or discuss even the smallest trivialities. I had trouble meeting people. I had a hard time making eye contact. I put my crust down on the plate and looked past her.

"Good," I said after a while. I felt my face blush. I didn't understand why she asked me this, and it scared me. I would get hot when I was scared or nervous. How does a person know if they are good or bad? I didn't want a cookie.

"And what am I? What does your mom tell you about me? What does she say about me?"

She smiled in a way I'd never seen before. It stretched across her face like a wound. Her fingers were s.h.i.+ny and greasy from handling the fat jar.

When my mom came back into the room, Ms. Veal began transferring more fat from Mom's jar to her own. She gave no indication that we'd been talking.

That night, Mom had food poisoning. She was up all night, vomiting, crying. I couldn't sleep and heard the whole thing. It was her. It was Ms. Veal's cookies that made Mom sick. I know it. Mom later said it was a fluke stomach issue, but I know the truth.

Mom and I ate the same thing for dinner, and I wasn't sick. And this was no flu. Mom was fine by morning. A little dehydrated, but back to herself. It was food poisoning. She'd eaten a cookie. I hadn't.

We can't and don't know what others are thinking. We can't and don't know what motivations people have for doing the things they do. Ever. Not entirely. This was my terrifying, youthful epiphany. We just never really know anyone. I don't. Neither do you.

It's amazing that relations.h.i.+ps can form and last under the constraints of never fully knowing. Never knowing for sure what the other person is thinking. Never knowing for sure who a person is. We can't do whatever we want. There are ways we have to act. There are things we have to say.

But we can think whatever we want.

Anyone can think anything. Thoughts are the only reality. It's true. I'm sure of it now. Thoughts are never faked or bluffed. This simple realization has stayed with me. It has bothered me for years and years. It still does.

"Are you good or are you bad?"

What scares me most now is that I don't know the answer.

I STAYED BEHIND THE BENCH for probably an hour. It could have been much longer. I'm not sure. How long is an hour? A minute? A year? My hip and knee went numb from the way I was positioned. I had to contort myself in an unnatural way. I've lost track of time. Of course you lose track of time when you're alone. Time always pa.s.ses.

That song kept replaying: "Hey, Good Lookin'" over and over and over. Twenty or thirty or a hundred times. It might have gotten louder, too. An hour is the same as two hours. An hour is forever. It's hard to know. It's only just stopped. It stopped halfway through a verse. I hate that song. I hate the way I had to listen to it. I didn't want to listen. But now I know all the words by heart. When it stopped, it shocked me. It woke me up. I'd been lying down using Jake's hat as a pillow.

I've decided I have to keep moving. No good lying down, hiding behind this bench. I'm a target. I'm too visible here. That's the first thing Jake would tell me if he were here with me. But he's not. My knee is really sore. My head is still aching, and spinning. I almost forgot about it. It's just there. Jake would tell me to stop thinking about the pain, too.

You never think you'll be in a situation like this. Being watched, stalked, held captive, alone. You hear about these things. You read about them from time to time. You feel sick about the possibility that someone would be capable of inflicting this kind of terror on another human. What's wrong with people? Why do people do these things? Why do people end up in these situations? The possibility of evil shocks you. But you aren't the target, so it's okay. You forget about it. You move on. It's not happening to you. It happened to someone else.

Until now. I stand up, trying to ignore my fear. I creep down the hall, silently, moving away from the bench, away from the stairwell I came up. I try a few doors. Everything's locked. No exit from this place. These halls are bleak. There's nothing on the walls, no sign of student existence. I've been down these same halls so many times. They repeat themselves, turn in upon themselves like an Escher drawing. When you think about it like this, it's almost grotesque that some people spend so much time here.

All the garbage cans I've come across are clean and empty. Fresh bags. There's no sitting waste. I look through them thinking there might be something I can use, something that might come in handy, something to help me move forward, to help me escape. They are all empty. Just empty black bags.

I've made my way to what must be the science wing. Have I been here before? I look in through the doors. Lab stations.

The doors are different in this hall. They're heavier and blue, sky blue. There's a large banner at the end of the hall, hand-painted. It's an advertis.e.m.e.nt for the winter formal. A school dance. They'll all be in here together, the students. So many of them. It's the first sign of student existence that I've seen.

Dancing the night away. Tickets are $10. What are you waiting for? the banner reads.

I think I hear rubber boots. Footsteps somewhere.

It's like I've been given a drug. I can't move. I shouldn't move. I'm incapacitated with fear. Frozen. I want to turn and scream and run, but I can't. What if it's Jake? What if he's still here, locked in like me? If he were here, that would mean I'm not alone, that I would be safe.

I can get back to the stairwell. It's just across the hall. I can get up to the third floor. Maybe Jake is there. I squeeze my eyes shut. I make fists with my hands. My heart is thumping. I hear the boots again. It's him. He's looking for me.

I exhale in a burst and feel sick. I've been in here too long.

I can feel my chest tightening. I'm going to vomit. I can't do this.

I dart into the stairwell. He hasn't seen me. I don't think. I don't know where he is. Upstairs, downstairs, over, under, somewhere else. I feel like he could be hiding, waiting, in my own shadow. I don't know.

I just don't know.

AN ART ROOM. UPSTAIRS. A different hall. A door that isn't locked. This could be anywhere. I'm not sure I've ever felt relief like I did when the door to this room opened. I close it behind me, very slowly, but don't latch it. I listen. I can't hear anything. I might be able to hide in here, at least for a while. The first thing I do is try the phone fastened to the wall, but as soon as I dial more than three digits it beeps at me. I tried dialing nine first and even 911. It's hopeless. Nothing works.

The teacher's desk at the front of the room is tidy and neat. I open the top drawer. There might be something in the desk that I can use. I quickly rummage through the drawers and find a plastic retractable X-ACTO knife. But the blade has been removed. I drop it on the ground.

I hear something in the hall. I duck down behind the desk, close my eyes. More time. There are bottles of paint and brushes and supplies lining the back and side walls. The whiteboards are wiped clean.

I wonder how long I can stay in here. How long can a person last without the essentials, with no food, no water? Staying hidden like this is too pa.s.sive. I need to be active.

I check the windows. The bottom window opens, but only enough to let in a little air. If there were a ledge or something out there, maybe I would consider jumping. Maybe. I open the window the full couple of inches. The cold air feels good on my hand. I leave my hand there, feeling the breeze. I bend down and breathe in what small amount of fresh air I can.

I used to love art cla.s.s. I just wasn't any good at it. I desperately wanted to be. I didn't want to be competent and successful in math only. Art was different.

High school was such a strange time for me. For some people, it's a peak. I did the work and got high marks. That wasn't an issue. But all the socializing. The parties. The attempts to fit in. That wasn't easy, even then. By the end of the day, I just wanted to get home.

I was unremarkable in the ways that matter in school. It was the worst type of oblivion, for years. I was scentless, invisible.

Adulthood. Late blooming. That's me. Or it was supposed to be. That's when it was supposed to finally get better. I'd get better then, everyone said. This is when I would start coming into my own.

I've been so careful. So self-aware. I'm confused less. I haven't been reckless. I understand myself. My own limitless potential. There is so much potential. And now this. How did I get here? It's not fair.

And Jake. It wasn't going to work out between us. It's not sustainable, but that's irrelevant now. He will be fine without me, won't he? He's coming into his own. He's going to do something big, that I know. He doesn't need this. Me. His family doesn't need this, either. They aren't my kind of people, but that doesn't matter. They've been through a lot. I probably don't know the half of it. They probably think we're back home now. They're probably sound asleep.

This is not the end. It doesn't have to be. I need to find him. And then I can back out, start again, try again. Begin at the beginning. Jake can, too.

It feels good to rest, by the window, to feel the air on my skin. I feel tired suddenly. Maybe I need to lie down. Go to sleep. Maybe even dream.

No. I can't. No sleep. No more nightmares. No.

I have to move. I'm not free yet. I leave the window open and slink to the door.

My right foot hits something. A bottle. A plastic bottle of paint, lying on the floor. I pick it up. It's half-empty. I have paint on my hands. There is paint on the outside of the bottle.

It's wet paint. Fresh paint. I can smell it. I put the bottle down on a desk.

He was here. Recently, he was right here!

My hands are red. I rub them on my pants.

I see more paint on the floor. I smear it with my toe. There's writing, in small letters: I know what you were going to do.

A message. For me. He wanted me to come in here and see it. That's why this door was open. He led me here.

I don't know what this means.

Wait. I do. Yes, I do.

He saw Jake kissing my neck. He saw us in the car. He was at the window, watching. Is that it? He knew that we were going to do it in the car. And he didn't want us to have s.e.x? Is that it?

There's more writing on the floor up ahead.

Just you and me now. There's only one question.

Terror fills me. Absolute terror. No one knows what it's like. Can't know. You don't know unless you've been so alone like this. Like I am. I never knew until now.

How does he know? How does he know the question? He can't know what I've been thinking. He can't. No one can ever really know what someone else is thinking.

This can't be real. The pain in my head is getting worse. I bring a trembling hand to my forehead. I am so tired. I'm not doing well. But I can't stay here. I have to keep moving, I have to hide, get away. How does he always know where I am, where I'm going? He'll be back.

I know it.

I WISH THIS WERE MORE supernatural. A ghost story, for instance. Something surreal. Something from the imagination, no matter how vile. That would be much less terrifying. If it was harder to perceive or accept, if there was more room for doubt, I would be less scared. This is too real. It's very real. A dangerous man with bad, irreversible intentions in a big, empty school. It's my own fault. I should never have come here.

It's not a nightmare. I wish it were. I wish I could just wake up. I'd give anything to be in my old bed, in my old room. I'm alone, and someone wants to hurt me or hunt me. And he's already done something to Jake, I know it.

I don't want to think about it anymore. If I can find my way to the gym, there might be an emergency door or some other way out of here. That's what I've decided. I need to get back to the road even if it's too cold out there. Maybe I won't last long. But maybe I won't last much longer here, either.

My eyes have adjusted to the darkness. You get used to the dark after a while. Not the quiet. That metallic taste in my mouth is getting worse. It's in my saliva or deeper. I don't know. My sweat feels different in here. Everything is just off.

I've been biting my nails. Chewing my nails. Eating them. I don't feel well.

I've also started losing hair. Maybe it's the stress? I put a hand up to my head and when I pull it back, there are strands of hair in between my fingers. I run my fingers through my hair now and more comes out. Not handfuls, but close. This must be some kind of reaction. A physical side effect.

Stay quiet. Stay calm. In this hall, the bricks are painted. The ceiling is made of those large rectangular removable tiles. Could I hide up there? If I could get up there.

Keep moving. Slowly. Sweat drips along my spine. The gym is down the hall. It has to be. I remember. Do I? How could I remember that? I make out the double doors with the metal handles. That's my goal. Get there. Get there quickly, quietly.

I keep my left hand, my fingers, against the brick wall as I walk. Step after step. Carefully, cautiously, softly. If I can hear it, he can hear it. If I can, he can. If I, then he. If. Then. I. He.

I reach the doors. I look in through the tall, skinny windows. It's the gym. I grab the handle. I know these doors. They sound like a cowboy's spurs when opened and closed. Loud, cold metal.

I push just wide enough to slip in.

The climbing ropes hang. The metal rack holds orange basketb.a.l.l.s in the corner. A strong smell. Chemical. My eyes are watering. More tears.

I can hear it. It's coming from the boys' locker room. I'm finding it harder to breathe in here.

The locker room. It's not as dark in here as in the gym. There are two overhead lights on. Now I recognize it-the sound is water running. One tap is on full blast. I can't see it yet, but I know.

I should wash my hands, get the paint off. Maybe take a drink. That cool, soothing water in my mouth and running down my throat. I turn my hands over, looking at my palms. Streaked red. Trembling. My right thumbnail is gone.

There's an opening up ahead to my left. That's where the sound of water is coming from. I trip on something. I pick it up. A shoe. Jake's shoe. I want to yell out, to call for Jake. But I can't. I cover my mouth with a hand. I have to be quiet.

I look down and see Jake's other shoe. I pick it up. I keep walking toward the opening. I peek around the corner. No one. I bend down and look under the stalls. No legs. I'm holding a shoe in each hand. I take another step closer.

Now I can see the bank of taps. No running water. I move toward the showers.

One of the silver showerheads is on full blast. Only one. There's lots of steam. It must be hot water, very hot.

"Jake," I whisper.

I need to think, but it's so warm here, humid. Steam all around me. I need to figure out how I can get out of here. There's no point trying to figure out why he's doing this or who he is. That doesn't matter. None of it matters.

If I can somehow make it outside the school, I can run for the road. If I make it to the road, I'll run. I won't stop. My lungs will burn and my legs will be jelly and I won't stop. I promise. I won't stop. I will run as far and as fast as possible. I'll get away from here to somewhere else, anywhere else. Where things are different. Where life is possible. Where everything isn't so old.

Or maybe I could last in here alone. Maybe longer than I think. Maybe I could find new places to hide, to blend into the walls. Maybe I could stay in here, live here. In a corner. Under a desk. In the locker rooms.

Someone is there. At the far end of the showers. The floor's slippery. Wet, steamy tiles. I have an urge to stand under the jet, the steaming water. Just to stand there. But I don't.

It's his clothes. By the last stall. I pick them up. Pants and a s.h.i.+rt, balled up, wet. Jake's clothes. These are Jake's clothes! I drop them. Why are his clothes in here? And where is he?

An emergency exit. I need one. Now.

Leaving the changing room, I hear the music again. The same song. From the beginning. In the locker rooms, the cla.s.srooms, the halls. The speakers are everywhere, but I can't see them. Does it ever stop? I think so, but I'm not sure anymore. Maybe the same song has been playing this whole time.

I KNOW PEOPLE TALK ABOUT the opposite of truth and the opposite of love. What is the opposite of fear? The opposites of unease and panic and regret? I'll never know why we came to this place, how I ended up confined like this, how I ended up so alone. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Why me?

I sit down on the hard floor. There is no way out. There's no way out of this gym. No way out of this school. There never was. I want to think about nice things, but I can't. I cover my ears. I'm crying. There's no way out.