Mother's Remedies Part 179

In Company.--At a reception or dinner-party it is perfectly proper for those who have never been introduced to converse with each other without such formality. The roof under which they meet confers the privilege.

Indeed, it is often the greatest kindness to speak to a shy person or one who evidently has few acquaintances present, relieving his embarra.s.sment and putting him at ease. Not to reply courteously to such overtures is great rudeness. The story is told of a prominent society woman who addressed a stranger at such a function and actually received no reply.

Later, the hostess brought up the strange person and introduced her. Then she explained that, not having been properly introduced, she felt she could not respond. The society woman quietly remarked, "Oh, was that the trouble? I thought you were deaf and dumb."

The late H. C. Bunner and the more recently deceased T. B. Aldrich cherished an aversion for each other. They were not acquainted, but disliked each other on general principles, both being engaged in literary work. They happened to meet at an entertainment where Bunner was in the house of his friends and Aldrich an outsider. Bunner's native kindliness and courtesy made it impossible for him to see anyone uncomfortable in a friend's house. He introduced himself, carried Aldrich to his host's "den," and over a cigar and a gla.s.s of "Scotch" began a friends.h.i.+p that was ended only by death.

School Girls' Etiquette.--Etiquette is not so formal among school girls, though its form remains the same. Propinquity in cla.s.ses, and the being thrown together by mutual aims and interests, excuses informal friendliness. In some women's colleges there are what may be termed "unwritten laws"--school traditions--never set down in books but handed on from cla.s.s to cla.s.s. Thus a member of a lower cla.s.s would not take precedence of a Senior, either on entering or leaving a room, or at table.

She would introduce her friends, even her parents, to the Senior and to any member of the Faculty instead of the Senior to them. These little matters of punctilio have to be learned by observation, or by the grace of some friendly cla.s.smate who happens to be conversant with them.

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CARD AND CALLING ETIQUETTE.

For Women.--Card etiquette has been jocosely termed "going into society in a pasteboard way." Yet cards have a very essential part in the social regime. They are the expedient resorted to by the woman with a large circle of acquaintances and many engagements, for keeping herself in mind.

A card represents a visit, or acknowledges a courtesy in the way of an invitation, There are well-defined rules which regulate the use of cards, familiarity with which is necessary to all who have social aspirations.

And the questions most frequently asked by the novice relate to whom and when they should be sent or left.

A General Rule.--Though calling has, in a degree, "gone out of fas.h.i.+on,"

the general rule is that a woman should call on her friends and acquaintances once a year. This signifies the desire to continue the relations.h.i.+p. If she finds her friend at home she gives her name to the maid and at the conclusion of the visit leaves her card on a table or some convenient place. If her friend is out, the maid receives her card on a tray. In each case a visit has been paid and the card is a reminder that the obligation has been discharged. At this call, if it is the first, or expected to be the only one of the year, a married woman leaves one of her cards for each lady in the family, and one of her husband's for each lady and one for the man of the house. One card, of her husband's may include several grown daughters. If she calls again during the season, she may leave her own cards only, though she should acknowledge an invitation received by her husband by leaving his cards. Cards are never to be handed to the lady of the house or any member of the family.

After Social Functions.--Now here is the law as regards leaving cards after social functions: After receiving invitations to receptions, dinners, luncheons, card parties or evening entertainments, calls are to be made within a week after the event, whether one has accepted or not.

However, in some localities, it is thought correct to leave cards at the time if one attends the function, or send them if not attending. It is safest to ascertain the local custom in advance. The correct etiquette is to call afterwards.

An invitation to a church wedding necessitates sending cards to those in whose name the invitation was issued and to the newly wedded pair. The same is true of announcement cards. Cards for an afternoon tea do not require reply; those present leave their own cards and those of any member of the family who was invited but did not attend.

After Absence.--Another use of cards is when one returns home after a long absence. Cards with one's address are sent to previous acquaintances, as a notification that the sender wishes to resume her social relations. In case of a friend's illness, one should call to make personal inquiries, leaving a card on which is written "To inquire." After a death, cards may be left or sent, on which it is correct to write "With sincere sympathy."

After the funeral, cards are sent by those bereaved to those who have thus manifested regard, with the words "With thanks for kind inquiries" or remembrances.

Thus we see cards are not meaningless, but indicate courtesy, kindly interest and regard.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 689]

For Men.--Whereas the married man may discharge some of his social obligations through his wife, the bachelor has no such resource. In response to every invitation, accepted or otherwise, he must pay a visit, leaving cards. Unless he does this, his invitations will soon cease.

A man may pay Sunday afternoon visits, as he is not supposed to be at leisure during the week. An evening call indicates greater intimacy. If he calls upon a young lady he must leave two cards, one for her and one for her mother.

Letters of Introduction--Letters of introduction are never presented in person. The man must call and leave the letter, with his card, but on no account enter the house. The next step is to be taken by the recipient of the letter.

At a Hotel.--If a man calls on a lady at a hotel he sends up his card and waits in a reception room. It is not permissible to write on his card the name of the member of the family whom he wishes to see. That is to be the subject of later inquiry.

Styles in Cards.--Styles in cards vary, both for men and women. Usually the stationer will be a reliable guide as to size and style of engraving.

A printed or written card should never be used, nor, according to strict etiquette, should acceptances, regrets or informal invitations be written on cards. Use note paper.

A woman's card should be of medium size and nearly square. Plain script, Old English or Roman are the only letterings used. Engraved plates, once obtained, may be used a long time. The street address, if used, is at the lower right-hand corner. This can be changed on one's plate, if necessary, by ways known to the maker. Men's cards are much smaller than women's, and must be engraved. The name is always prefaced by "Mr."

Use of Names.--A married woman uses her husband's full name on her cards.

A widow who happens to be the oldest representative of the family may have her cards engraved without her own or her husband's name, as "Mrs. Astor;"

this signifies her place as social head of the family. A clergyman's card may have Rev. as a prefix; a physician's Dr., never M. D. A young girl is always Miss, and pet names are without social recognition. For a year after she enters society a girl has her name engraved beneath her mother's; where there are several daughters "out," "The Misses Smith" may be engraved under the mother's name. A widow may act her pleasure as to using her Christian name or her late husband's on her card; the latter is customary. It would be a social convenience to use the Christian name, as with the prefix "Mrs." widowhood would be indicated.

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THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.

As has been said, a woman is expected to call on her friends once a year at least. The "Day at Home" has rather gone out of fas.h.i.+on. It imposed an obligation on the hostess which often proved irksome, interfering with engagements she might wish to make. If, however, one has "a day," her friends should so far as possible observe it.

Time and Manner.--The time limit of a call is fifteen or twenty minutes, not to exceed the latter. This is the protection society affords us from bores. We can endure even the most tiresome of visitors for fifteen minutes.

If one does not wish to see callers, the maid or whoever answers the door should be so informed; the conventional "Not at home" being perfectly proper; it is merely a polite way of saying it is not convenient to receive anyone. But for the maid to say "I will see, if Mrs. A is at home," and return to say she is not at home or not receiving, is a grave discourtesy. Nor should one keep a visitor waiting while she makes an elaborate toilette; better say "Not at home." The call counts as a visit whether the lady is at home or not, and must be returned. It is not customary to invite a visitor to be seated, to come again, or urge a longer stay. It is supposed she will take the initiative in these particulars; and too, that the fact that the two exchange visits warrants a certain wontedness of habit. Still, among intimates it is by no means unusual for the hostess to say "Do come again soon; I always enjoy you so much I should be glad to see more of you," or for the departing visitor to say: "I shall hope to have the pleasure of seeing you at my home soon."

Men's Demeanor.--A man calling upon a lady either takes his hat and stick into the reception room with him, or deposits them in the hall; she does not instruct him what disposition to make of them. He removes his overcoat of his own volition, or retains it, as he pleases; the lady does not suggest its removal. This is the strict letter of etiquette. As a matter of fact, many a man would feel snubbed, and the hostess that she failed in cordiality, if she failed to invite him to lay aside his coat. One must be governed by the customs of one's circle. It is safe to say that unless it is a first call, which is the most formal, in our middle social stratum a man expects, if he is welcome, to be asked to remove his overcoat.

A man waits for the woman to invite him to call, since it is her privilege to choose her acquaintances. Such an invitation should not be given too hastily, nor too soon after a first introduction. It is well not to show too much eagerness to cultivate the acquaintance, and the woman should be reasonably sure that the man is desirous of having the pleasure. If invited, he should avail himself of the permission within a short time, by way of showing his appreciation of the compliment. Young girls do not invite young men to call on them; this is their mother's prerogative.

It is more correct in these days when everyone has a telephone, to call up and inquire whether it will be convenient for the lady to receive callers, unless, of course, one is paying duty calls, in which case a card discharges the obligation.

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"Pour Prendre Conge."--In taking leave, it is well not to wait until one has exhausted the conversational gamut, and "that awful pause" in which neither seems to have anything to say, occurs. And having risen, do not "stand upon the order of your going;" do not linger for last words, or begin a fresh topic at the door, keeping your hostess standing and perhaps detaining her from other guests. "Parting is such sweet sorrow" in some cases that it becomes awkward and embarra.s.sing because so prolonged.

Especially does it seem difficult for the youth who has not yet attained the aplomb which makes him at ease in society, to "tear himself away."

Remember that a too abrupt departure, though regrettable, is better than one too prolonged.

Girls' Manners.--When the young girl accompanies her mother on a calling expedition, she waits for the latter to take the initiative in regard to departure. She must allow the older person to precede her in entering and leaving, and she must be careful not to monopolize the conversation. Good manners give precedence to age.

"P. p. c."--The social novice is sometimes puzzled by "P. p. c." written in the lower corner of a card. The letters stand for the French phrase, "Pour prendre conge"--to take leave. Such cards are sent when one is to be absent from home for a considerable period. They are left to be mailed after departure. Thus the intending traveler is not incommoded by well-meant but ill-timed calls at an hour when she is most busy. "P. p.

c." cards intimate the acquaintance is to be resumed on the sender's return.

The custom of turning down the corner to signify the call was made in person is now entirely obsolete.

First Calls.--It is desirable, when making a first call, to meet the lady called upon, and it is best to have been properly introduced. In the case of a stranger, the oldest or most prominent member of the social circle of the town should call first. A polite expedient by which a newcomer makes entree into the society of a new place of residence is by sending her cards to those whom she wishes to know. These are, if possible, to be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend, who thus becomes her social sponsor.

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A first call must be returned, and within two weeks at the outside. Not to return such a call is a gross breach of etiquette. Even if one does not wish or intend to keep up the acquaintance the return call must be made.

After this call she may act her pleasure. If a newcomer extends an invitation to an older resident, she should at once leave cards and send a regret or an acceptance. If the invitation comes through a friend, and she is unacquainted with the hostess, she must call soon; but if the call is not returned, or another invitation extended, she must understand the acquaintance is ended. The newcomer may invite her late hostess to some affair at her own house, and if the invitation is accepted, may understand the acquaintance is established.

A stranger often finds her social progress slow unless she has acquaintances in her new location who can help place her where she wishes to be. The easiest way is to identify herself with some church, attend regularly, and the pastor calling on the new member of his congregation and finding her acceptable, will ask some of the ladies of the church to call. These calls should be returned within two weeks; it would be a discourtesy to the pastor not to acknowledge them.

INVITATIONS.

The Formal Invitation.--A dinner-party is the most formal and most important of all social functions. We may invite all our acquaintances to a ball or a reception. We may select more carefully for our teas and luncheons, but the dinner is reserved as the greatest compliment to be paid those we wish to honor. Therefore an immediate acceptance or regret must be sent, and nothing but illness, accident or death should prevent us from presenting ourselves. If such obstacles intervene, immediate notice should be given the hostess, that she may supply the place at her table thus made vacant.

Do not write you will "try to come;" that you will come but your husband will not be able to do so, or in any way make your acceptance conditional.

Your hostess may wish to invite another couple; she must know who will be present that she may arrange her table accordingly. Nothing is so annoying to a hostess as to be obliged to rearrange her table because of some slight excuse on the part of a guest who has once accepted,

Do not forget that an invitation to dinner is the highest social compliment, and value it accordingly; also answer at once.