Mother's Remedies Part 191

MOURNING ETIQUETTE.

Conduct of Funerals--

So brief the span between our birth and death that the etiquette of burial may fittingly follow that of the christening ceremony. It might be supposed that the funeral, especially the private, could be conducted without formality. But informality often means disorder, and simplicity without order is confusion. There is no time where lack of order and system so grate on one's nerves as at a funeral. The less "fuss" on such an occasion the better, and for that reason, the routine of meals should go on as usual, though no one seems to have the heart to eat them. Still, it is in a way a comfort to most people to feel the chain of accustomed habit; it brings a trifling sense of relief.

Save in the case of a person who has been prominent in the public eye, there is no excuse, or reason, for any but a private funeral. Time was when not to hasten to the house of death was thought unkind; not to attend the funeral of an acquaintance a mark of disrespect. We have changed all that. We do not expect the uninvited to attend our weddings and receptions, why should they come at times of much more intimate and personal emotion--those times when we can hardly endure the words and presence of those we love best? What the sensitive have endured at the hands--or tongues--of well-meaning but clumsy sympathizers--not infrequently curious as well as sympathetic--only those who have suffered can relate. In addition to the natural grief experienced, the members of the family are usually worn out with nights of watching and days of anxiety; it is a fresh strain to be obliged to see people, relate sick-room details and listen to stereotyped condolences.

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The Undertaker.--Cases are rare where there is not some "next friend" who is competent to see the undertaker, and arrange details with him. In fact, the undertaker may well be put in charge. He should be competent and experienced. A clumsy, fussy undertaker is an affliction.

The undertaker will obtain the physician's certificate as to the cause of death, without which in many cities a burial permit cannot be issued. He will secure the necessary permit, see to the preparation of the grave, and the purchase of a lot if necessary, arrange the house for the funeral, furnish the bearers, and secure the requisite number of carriages; and, before the family returns from the cemetery, have the funeral paraphernalia out of the house, so that the maids or whoever is left in charge can restore the rooms to their wonted order. Everything possible is done to spare the grief-stricken.

The Duties of the Next Friend.--The actual duties devolving upon the person representing the family include ascertaining their wishes as regards the officiating clergyman and his notification of their desire and the hour of the funeral; for music, if any is desired; the selection of a casket, and determining the number of carriages to be ordered. A written list of relatives and friends who will go to the cemetery, arranged in order of their relations.h.i.+p, four in a carriage, is given the undertaker for his guidance in a.s.signing those present to their places. The friend of the family will accompany the undertaker to the cemetery if a lot must be purchased, or he may go alone, the undertaker receiving his instructions from the cemetery authorities. If any special position is desired for the new grave, this will be definitely stated. With this knowledge, an undertaker will conduct a burial so quietly and decorously that as a bereaved wife once remarked, it was "a real comfort to have John buried."

She did not quite mean what she implied, however.

Where means suffice, a black cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is chosen. If the interment is in a vault, a metallic casket is obligatory.

The child's casket is white; that for a young person is white or pearl-gray.

It is no longer necessary to call on friends and neighbors to bear the dead to their last resting-place, though it may be done. Honorary pall-bearers are chosen among the a.s.sociates of the dead in case he is a prominent personage; the active may be relatives, or undertaker's a.s.sistants. A child is sometimes borne by his or her little school friends, though it seems a pity to call on children for such offices.

The House Funeral.--At the house funeral the family remains upstairs, or is seated in the room with the casket, the former more customary. The clergyman stands at the head of the casket, or in the doorway, that his voice may be heard. At the conclusion of the service, those not going to the cemetery quietly disperse; the carriages drive up; the undertaker in a low voice a.s.signs the relatives to them in proper order, and the cortege moves off. At the grave, the remainder of the solemn service is read, the casket lowered, and all is over.

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That dreadful custom known as "viewing the remains," by which those present file past the casket for a last look at the dead, is obsolete. The bereaved take their farewell before any arrivals; those who desire to behold the face of the dead do so as they enter, then are seated in another room. Sometimes the casket is closed before the funeral.

Church Funerals.--The church funeral is more dignified, perhaps, but much less common than a few years ago. Good taste counsels that our leaving, like our arrival in this world, be a purely family affair. Those who attend a church funeral are in their seats when the cortege arrives. The organ is softly played as the casket is borne up the aisle, the clergyman preceding it; its rests before the chancel, the clergyman reads the burial service from the step, the mourners, who have followed the casket, being seated in the front pews. The procession retires in the same order, the congregation dispersing afterwards.

Flowers.--Flowers are usually ordered the day before the funeral, to arrive in the morning, that they may be fresh. Cards are removed before they are taken to the cemetery. Colored flowers, preferably those of pale tints, are admissible, though American Beauties are not infrequently sent.

Wreaths of galax leaves are often ordered for the funeral of an elderly person; sometimes half of the wreath is of the leaves and the remainder of flowers. Wreaths and sprays are almost invariably sent by private individuals, the stereotyped "emblems" like "the broken wheel," "gates ajar," etc., being the offerings of clubs, or other organizations to which the deceased may have belonged. Where there is a great quant.i.ty of flowers, the loose sprays are often sent to the sick in hospitals, only enough to cover the grave being reserved. The visitor to a cemetery could find it in his heart to wish that when the beauty of these floral offerings has departed, the sodden remnants might be speedily removed.

They speak so forcibly of forgetfulness.

MOURNING GARMENTS.

The custom of wearing mourning after a bereavement is almost universal.

Even the poorest endeavor to show their grief by donning a few shreds of black, while among the well-to-do an entire new wardrobe is felt to be obligatory. However our religion bids us look forward to a more perfect existence in the beyond, however truly death may be a relief from pain and suffering, custom, that makes cowards of us all, must be followed. Often too, mourning garb is but the visible evidence of the gloom that oppresses us spiritually. In spite of our faith, our sense of loss and loneliness is best expressed in sad raiment and abstinence from pleasures. Often it would be kindness to the living to go our way as usual, but that is not in harmony with our hearts.

Mourning is in a manner a protection to a woman. Strangers respect her sorrow and refrain from the jocular. Behind her crepe she may defy intrusion. But it often becomes a hards.h.i.+p to the young.

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"I missed all my youth," complained a middle-aged woman. "We were a large family. A brother died when I was sixteen and we went into mourning and shut ourselves away from entertainments. Then my father died; next a sister, and another brother, so that, looking back, I can remember but one gown I had, between the age of sixteen and thirty-one, that was not black--and the one exception never had a chance to get worn out."

The Expense of Mourning.--Mourning, however, is sometimes a distraction.

In deciding about tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs and the width of crepe hems many a woman forgets her woe, for a time at least. Mourning wear is expensive, and to clothe a whole family in black totals no inconsiderable sum. Many families have been financially swamped through the expenses of an illness, a burial, and the conventional mourning. In this instance, as in the case of weddings, all these things should be regulated by common sense. A costly casket, a profusion of flowers and a long funeral procession merely gratify a foolish and ostentatious pride on the part of the survivors, and often entail a heavy burden on the father or husband.

It is quite customary to borrow the black garments worn at the funeral.

These should be returned immediately after the funeral, with a message or note of thanks.

It is well to look over one's wardrobe to see what garments may be colored for use during the period of mourning. The art of the dyer has made such progress that very satisfactory results are obtained, and quite wealthy people do not hesitate to resort to this expedient.

Mourning Wear.--Crepe, ugly, expensive and easily ruined by dust and dampness, is no longer indispensable to a mourning outfit. If used at all, it is in the form of hems or narrow bands on face veils and as borders or facings, on gowns. Even widows, who wear the deepest mourning, no longer wear crepe veils.

All dress materials for mourning wear have a dull finish. Henrietta, imperial serges, tamese cloth and nun's veiling are the standard fabrics.

A l.u.s.terless silk is sometimes employed, also crepe de chine.

Crepe is used as a tr.i.m.m.i.n.g only during the first period of mourning. Hats have almost entirely replaced bonnets, except for elderly widows, who often adopt the close-fitting Marie Stuart bonnet, with the white ruche inside the brim. A long veil of fine silk nun's veiling is worn with this, with a tulle or net face veil with a narrow fold of crepe. Veils of crepe or nun's veiling are not worn over the face except at the funeral.

Hats with crepe folds and tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, with veils arranged to fall in folds in the back are usually selected; with them is worn a plain net face veil.

Dotted veils are not mourning. Black furs, lynx, fox or Persian lamb are worn.

Many women wear narrow lawn turn-over collars and cuffs; they are hemst.i.tched, with no other decoration. Black-bordered handkerchiefs are no longer carried; if, however, one's woeful trappings must extend to this detail, the narrower the edge the better.

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Either black glace kid or suede gloves are worn. Shoes and slippers must be in a dull kid finish.

All white may be worn in summer during the later period of mourning, but combinations of black and white are not mourning; thus a white dress with black ribbons is not correct.

Jewelry (in gold), ostrich feathers, velvet, lace, satin, and jet tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, except in dull jet, are barred. One may wear a diamond or pearl ring or two, but no colored jewels set in rings. Some women have outer sh.e.l.ls made in black enamel to enclose diamond ear-rings they are accustomed to wearing.

If one wears mourning, she should hold to the correct form. If, however, she elects to wear black, more license is permitted her. Whatever is done, should be consistent. Thus if she simply adopts black she may have a net or all-over lace yoke in a gown, may wear hats with wings and quills or fancy feathers in black, or black flowers--which are botanical monstrosities--whereas in correct mourning she could not.

The Period of Mourning.--The length of time during which mourning is to be worn has been considerably shortened of recent years. Widows formerly wore deep mourning-crepe, bombazine, etc., for two years, and "second mourning" for another year. Now, even among the most rigid sticklers for form, two years is the limit, and there is a tendency to diminish this period. Eighteen months of woe inconsolable; six months of grief a.s.suaged.

Nor are all recreations debarred the widow, as formerly; she may go to concerts, small entertainments, even to matinees, after some months have elapsed. This is as it should be. Many women have settled into gloom and despondency which have darkened their homes because there has been nothing to lift them out of their low frame of mind.

For a parent, a grown son or daughter, the conventional period is two years, one year of deep mourning. For a young child a mother wears black for a year. The same time suffices for a brother or sister. Six months answers for grandparents; three for an uncle or aunt. Often one does not wear mourning except for husband, child or parent.

Young girls need not wear mourning as long as an adult does, nor do they wear crepe, unless it be a hat with crepe tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, or one with ribbon bows and face veil with crepe border. It seems as unnecessary as it is unkind to put young children into black.

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French Mourning.--The French, with characteristic cheerfulness, greatly abridge the mourning attire, dividing it into three grades, deep, ordinary and half-mourning. For the first only woolen materials in black are employed; the second, silk and woolen; the third gray and violet. The wife laments her husband for a year and six weeks,--six months of deep mourning; six of ordinary, and six weeks of gray and violet melancholy.

The bereaved husband, on the other hand, is let off with six months of sorrow, three in deep mourning, three in ordinary; he has not to pa.s.s through the gray-and-violet stage at all.

Six months is also the period for parents, evenly divided between deep and ordinary. One gets off with two months for brother, sister or grandparent, and three weeks suffices for a mere uncle or aunt. Good taste decrees mourning should be discarded gradually. From black one may go to quiet costumes in dark colors, gray being an approved hue.