The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 101

To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a b.u.t.terfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.

Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pas.h.i.+ons are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.

He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.

Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized.

Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag.

Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence.

But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust cla.s.s vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.

Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker, than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.

This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincus.h.i.+on hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking gla.s.ses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy.

Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.

It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a s.h.i.+ny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov c.r.a.pe, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father--or, "_enny other man_."

The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cl.u.s.ter on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thimbles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar.

This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joker," and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger.

This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most n.i.g.g.e.rlike ov enny ov them.

If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards.

Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the n.i.g.g.e.r, and the congressman.

It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that haz yet bin invented.

Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy.

They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pas.h.i.+ons.

All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road.

Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.

One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pas.h.i.+on whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.

LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.

Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water.

The populashun iz h.o.m.o genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus.

The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, ph.e.l.low and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and c.u.m out by-and-by like statuary in a t.i.te fit.

The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders.

Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent deviltry.

[Ill.u.s.tration: JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH.]

I am pleased to state that the _iniquity_ iz princ.i.p.ally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the "_oldest inhabitant_" may help himself if he can.

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.

Flirtashuns are thick here, but princ.i.p.ally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.

Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called "_recruiting_."

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more _braceing_ than the sea-airing.

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.

Now and then yu will see a forrin sn.o.b just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long s.h.i.+rt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray--they will kontinue on to do so.

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.

The Continental Hotel iz the princ.i.p.al one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.

The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn't postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.

Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.

I didn't bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.

I think i could win enny quant.i.ty ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.