The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 103

He never et enney molla.s.sis during hiz sweet life.

He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.

He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys.

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.

He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats.

This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral sc.r.a.pe.

Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled.

He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov _Gin_.

Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.

The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz way ov smiling.

He could smile and drink a gin c.o.c.ktale at onst, and the same time.

This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out.

He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.

History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it.

But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.

Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him.

This oddness haz also its immitators.

Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.

I hav c.u.m tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.

Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.

Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.

Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.

I k.u.m to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned:--

QUESTIONS.

1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the const.i.tutionality ov the 10 commandments.

6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.

_First._--Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color.

_Seckond._--Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.

_Third._--Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE HOSS.]

_Fourth._--Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.

_Five._--Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water.

_Six._--Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right.