The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 107

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a gla.s.s with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LAUGHING.

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans.

It iz the language ov infancy--the eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be happy.

It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order.

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have kalled it a weakness--a subst.i.tute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly.

It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts.

It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave.

Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last suns.h.i.+ne that visits the heart; it was the warm welk.u.m ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise.

THE ADVENT NO. 2.

The seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin.

Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing.

The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way.

But az i grew older--if i didn't gro enny wizer--I had the satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents.

I c.u.m tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around loose, ov man's internal natur, thet if the world hadn't bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn't hav bin satizfied if he couldn't hav put in hiz lip.

Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer his valuable services tew the Lord espes.h.i.+ly in the way ov advice.

Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be knocked out ov time; it hain't got the least partickle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth's death to day, iz no wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town.

The bible that i was brought up on, sez: "that the son of man cometh like a thief in the night," and evry boddy knows, that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief's visit iz, that he haz been here, and left.

Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they c.u.m into this world, not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suitable tew put enny, the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence they do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain't long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job.

This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckulashun, he iz in sum other c.u.ming thing, with a hole in the bottom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be phooled.

The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew he a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, and run it.

I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin.

I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espes.h.i.+ly when he dont step on enny boddy but himself.

Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humb.u.g.g.e.rs, they destroy themselfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop.

Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew c.u.m tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied.

I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfa.s.st, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun.

Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it.

Oh! impudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory!

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.

Qu.--How fast will the "_come-ing man_" probably travel?

Ans.--It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he'd better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.

Qu.--What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?

Ans.--In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin.

Qu.--What iz the most karniverous animal?

Ans.--Death.

Qu.--What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?

Ans.--A good joke.

Qu.--Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?

Ans.--Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.

Qu.--Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?