The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 112

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.

It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the ground--and the ice lay s.h.i.+vering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal.

It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down and rool over.

But i kept in, and aked with glory.

Helth waz piktured on menny a n.o.bell brow.

Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.

I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.

I felt like a ka.n.a.ll hoss turned suddinly out to gra.s.s.

I didn't kno how tew proceed.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, c.u.m flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely ma.s.s ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.

Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's s.p.a.ce, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.

I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good.--

WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE.

Dear Mr. ---- ---- ----: Your letter to me this morning for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press.

It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that are tied down.

In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon.

The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either original or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand.

It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy's prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket.

Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed with a jerk; comik essayers must ram pages into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop--thar is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the ginger.

Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker c.u.ms in.

A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don't understand the language.

I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don't write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty.

Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don't hitch tew menny ov them together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose.

Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don't make enny remarks, and no man needn't git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word.

A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral--if it want, it wouldn't be funny, but ridikilous.

Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault.

If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr. ---- ---- ----, or enny ov the fust kla.s.s philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don't find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don't know whitch.

A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers.

I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain't so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-sh.e.l.l, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff c.o.c.k, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff.

I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer.

I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks.

BEAU BENNET'S SUPPLIKASHUN.

Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outs.h.i.+ne him in things that are stylish.

Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi s.h.i.+rt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than sn.o.b.a.l.l.s in winter.

Smile, thou G.o.ddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate--even like unto Solaman's.

Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.

Fill up mi kup tew the brim's verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confus.h.i.+on.

Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.