The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 116

A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates "that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood."

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs.

Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller bra.s.s b.u.t.tons.

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.

Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.

No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family.

Enny one wis.h.i.+ng tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.

JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.

The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one.

They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the sh.o.r.es of the Pacifick oshun.

They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.

They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.

The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them.

Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the n.o.ble animal, the hoss.

It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the "wimmins'

right committee," and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.

I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun between the two s.e.xes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, _and may the best man win_.

It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, n.o.body but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it--if we are ever to reach perf.e.c.kshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.

I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.

The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circ.u.mlocutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.

Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.

There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.

Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.

I hav seen the n.o.bel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels.

This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it.

If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.

I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bek.u.m a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov usefulness.

If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bek.u.ms inelegant to onst.

The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs--or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word _leggs_ iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.

This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that "velosipeads" iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, "_veloss_" and "_pedoss_," which vulgarily means "_lively leggs_," but politely means, "_pedal swiftness_."

If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier.

The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use.

The heathen G.o.ds had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country.

I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove moshun.

Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called "wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that.

This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.

THE RASE KOa.r.s.e.

Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jacka.s.ses!

Seeing the above anouns.e.m.e.nt, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koa.r.s.e, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses.

I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys.

The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples.

I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in.

I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst.

[Ill.u.s.tration: JOSH BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES.]

Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koa.r.s.e waz.

THE TRACK.