The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 16

HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS.

Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.

It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood.

Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do.

When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.

Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.

If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.

[Ill.u.s.tration: COMIK LEKTURE.]

Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.

Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.

Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.

The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory.

Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publiks steelyards.

Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness.

No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov wisdom.

Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.

If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so.

Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az true az mola.s.ses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke c.u.ms laffing in.

I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow places.

The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum damage.

It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff _at you_, or laff at _what yu say_.

When a man laffs at _yu_, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him.

The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is simply bekauze--he is a monkey.

Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.

Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them.

It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don't feel the itch ov it.

One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large cla.s.s ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff.

Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ--if yu expect tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.

In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.

I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov mola.s.ses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn't forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on mola.s.siss kandy az he iz.

I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with.

I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan't tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan't even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur.

But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling.

If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn't get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun.

FAs.h.i.+ON--FURY--FELLOW--FUN--FUSS--FLUNKY--FRETS--FITS--FINIS.

FAs.h.i.+ON.

Fas.h.i.+on is a G.o.ddess.

She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender.

Men wors.h.i.+p her in her maskuline form--wimmin in her feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender.

She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her suppliants.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys, pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners.

She fits man's foot with a pinching boot, throttles him with a stubborn collar, and dies his mustash with darkness.

She trails the ritch silks ov wimmin along the filthy sidewalks, leads sore-eyed lap-dogs with a string, and banishes helpless children to murky nurserys, in the kare ov faithless hirelings.

She cheats the excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve her in the habiliments ov the harlequin.

Yea, verily.

FUN.