The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 32

If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray n.i.g.g.e.r, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.

The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pa.s.s on, the n.i.g.g.e.r will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that "dis possum hab been eating pizen;" take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.

Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.

I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.

If thare iz enny boddy who don't beleave this i don't care, i only write what i know, and don't hold miself liable for other folks' ignorance.

Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a n.i.g.g.e.r in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.

If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.

I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.

Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quant.i.ty ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.

The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.

The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster's spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.

THE CURSID MUSKETO.

Dear ----:--Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.

The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.

They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy--the grate supply injures the demand.

Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.

They don't require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.

If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE CURSID MUSKETO.]

The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don't waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sa.s.s iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.

Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks--their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.

Wisdum iz like duks eggs--if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them--thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will c.u.m and la eggs in yure hand--not a duk, Mr. ----, not a duk.

The musketo is a soshul ins.e.x; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don't kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.

Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to c.u.m to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.

The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can't sing won't bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a ph.e.l.low in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.

If thare ain't but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.

The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.

They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!

The muskeeter iz the child ov circ.u.mstansis in one respekt--he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy's bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.

It don't kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.

The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.

He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.

I positively fear a musketo.

In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.

The musketo haz no friends, and but phew a.s.sociates; even a mule dispizes them.

But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.

I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.

This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.

Dear Mr. ----, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.

THE HORNET.

The hornet is an inflamibel b.u.g.g.e.r, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.

Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, "git out ov mi way."

They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.

This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.

Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.

This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.