The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 35

The mule is haf hoss and haf Jacka.s.s, and then k.u.ms tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE MULE.]

Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.

Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.

You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.

Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.

Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.

Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.

Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.

If tha ever die tha must k.u.m rite tu life agin, for i never herd n.o.boddy sa "ded mule."

Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.

I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law pa.s.sed, requiring it.

The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.

I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.

Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.

Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.

Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.

BED BUGS.

I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.

They da.s.sent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.

A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to d.a.m.n a bed bugg right tew hiz face.

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattra.s.s in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.

It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.

If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.

If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.

If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.

THE FLEA.

The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the _Flea_.

They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and s.h.i.+ne like a bran new shot.

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.

It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.

NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.

The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.

He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.

If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.