The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 42

They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.

Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.

Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.

The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.

Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.

They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.

A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.

Men often call their wifes their "_dear duks_," this is on ackount ov their big bills.

The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.

They do a good deal ov quacking that don't amount tew mutch.

Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.

The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.

They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.

Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.

Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn't eat themselfs oph from their feet.

Duks la eggs, but don't la them around loose.

Hunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.

A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks'

eggs.

The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.

They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.

I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.

I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.

I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.

Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.

Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.

Yu often hear the term "_lame duk_" applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.

Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth c.u.ms from.

THE SANDY HILL CRANE.

The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.

He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.

He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.

He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year's bird's nest.

He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.

He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.

When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.

Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.

The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.

I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness--even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize G.o.d loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.

I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't never tell exackly what c.u.mfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.

Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.

Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.

MORE SNAIKS.

THE RATTLESNAIX.

The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.