The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 44

THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.

This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.

They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt's notiss.

They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.

I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.

I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.

Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.

I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.

THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.

THE BLUJAY.

The blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BLUJAY.]

They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.

Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.

The blujay haz no song--they kant sing even "From Greenland's Icy Mountains;" but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.

It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.

THE QUAIL.

The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.

They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.

They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at pa.r.s.eing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.

Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.

I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judis.h.i.+ous accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence--in other words, I always quail before such a request.

THE PATRIDGE.

The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.

Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.

It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.

The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.

Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.

I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov ba.s.s wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue.

THE WOODKOK.

The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.

They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.

They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.

They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.

The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a _whizz_, and the last thing a _whurr_.

How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than s.n.a.t.c.hing pennys oph a red-hot stove.

I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.

They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.

THE GUINA HEN.

The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.

They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.

They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so much on the sly, that they often kan't find them themselfs.

They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.

They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.

They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.