The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 5

SPRING AND BILES.

Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous virgin 5000 years old and upwards, hale and harty old gal, welc.u.m tew York State, and parts adjacent!

Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest p.i.s.smire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the n.o.bby c.o.c.kroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and "coming thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoa.r.s.e shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard.

Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school.

These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky _biles_, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a broken heart.

Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till they hav got their fill.

Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be found, in enny man.

_Biles_ and _pashunce_! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and muskeeters together, for luxury.

I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain't got enough faith in biles. I wouldn't trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots.

I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sumtimes iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i don't thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov them.

But i am out ov the road. I must git back onto biles agin.

If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the----. Biles are very sa.s.sy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer and the chair; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant herself on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze ennywhere fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy--i am willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov helthy--but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the market.

There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they hardly ever c.u.m singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes.

What! twelve biles on one man at a time! This is wus than fighting b.u.mblebees with your summer clothes on.

Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare.

This is so without doubt, but it don't strike me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care ov their own biles.

But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean names current amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they concentrate aul the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz--when they bust!

[Ill.u.s.tration: CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES.]

This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the haff sh.e.l.l. A man leans back in rektified comfort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid.

This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been hatching. Exit Biles.

TIGHT BOOTS.

I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented _t.i.te boots_.

He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.

If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying grate agony ov sum kind.

I hav bin in a grate menny t.i.te spots in mi life, but generally could manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making a pair of t.i.te boots average.

Enny man who kan wear a pair ov t.i.te boots, and be humble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good husband.

Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst t.i.te boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.

Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the t.i.te boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.

Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum without a t.i.te boot on it.

Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a t.i.te boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.

Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.

I have been led into the above a.s.sortment ov _Oh's!_ from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them.

Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears a muzzle.

I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.

I liv in hopes they will.

I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espes.h.i.+ly when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one.

Avoid t.i.te boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.

I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov t.i.te boots.

But this iz solemly the last pair ov t.i.te boots i will ever wear; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it.

I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.

Eazy boots iz _one_ of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov t.i.te boots.

Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them.

Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could hav afforded to hav wore t.i.te boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on t.i.te boots.

t.i.te boots are an insult to enny man's understanding.

He who wears t.i.te boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.

t.i.te boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, and promiskious cussing.

Beware ov t.i.te boots.