The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 58

When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, them i am happy.

He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance.

Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a convent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us more hurt, than enny boddy else.

The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others.

If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born.

What iz the princ.i.p.al difference between poverty and ritches?--poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse,--the difference iz in favor of poverty.

We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon.

A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then c.u.ms resignashun.

The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next time.

Pas.h.i.+on alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one.

Thare iz nothing more bek.u.ming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov.

Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz boddy.

The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble--things that are always a going tew happen never do happen.

Face all things!--even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face.

A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it.

Thare iz no good subst.i.tute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered yet.

Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the p.i.s.smire dispised.

If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up the boy.

JAW BONES.

Dry goods are wors.h.i.+ped in this world now more than the Lord iz.

Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; councilling with hope iz the way heroes are made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made.

Pleazure iz like a hornet--generally ends with a sting.

The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew--they are rotten ice.

Lazyness iz a good deal like money--the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want.

Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew; money and t.i.tles and fever sores kan be inherited.

The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits--tender, but tasteless.

Life iz like a mountain--after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.

When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it.

The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand.

Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it.

Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz ignoranse.

Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sa.s.sy.

Reputashun iz like money--the princ.i.p.al is often lost by putting it out at interest.

Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for _if_ we love another more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.

Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won't pay for making up.

Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others.

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill.

ODS AND ENS.

Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.

I hav finally c.u.m tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints.

I never knu a man yet whoze name waz _George Was.h.i.+ngton Lafayette Goodrich, Esq._, and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals.

Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktual importanse among hiz fellow critters.

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth.