The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 63

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its c.o.c.kades and bra.s.s b.u.t.tons, and it would bek.u.m a mob.

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey G.o.d, luv man, and hate the devil.

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man's kandle bi yours.

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pa.s.s by him, but i never did like it in a man.

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.

If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.

After all, great conversas.h.i.+onal powers make a man more feared than beloved.

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.

PHISH BAWLS.

Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they _aint dry_.

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.

One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.

Temper should be curbed, not broken.

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.

I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one.

I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it c.u.ms from so low a source that it don't do a man enny good.

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.

Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the fiercest--so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.

Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.

Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bek.u.m wisdum, and honor in old age.

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.

Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.