The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 68

I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.

PARBOILS.

It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.

Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then c.u.ms fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.

Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.

Love is a natral pas.h.i.+on ov the heart, while friends.h.i.+p iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friends.h.i.+p.

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.

Take awl the prophecys that hav c.u.m tew pa.s.s, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew c.u.m tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.

It iz awl important that fas.h.i.+on should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.

Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the meat, while other kinds. .h.i.t everything but the center; and glance oph at that.

Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

_Precept_, iz a buck saw, _experience_ the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.

"Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.

If we would be happy in this world and in the world to c.u.m, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.

Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.

Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed--if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.

He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.

It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to h.e.l.l, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven--what a waste of time and muscle!

Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove--this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they "kant serve G.o.d and mamon too," and so they serve mamon.

Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bek.u.ms az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking gla.s.s, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.

A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.

Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.

The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.

Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.

A good book iz like a good law.

Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.

"Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well b.u.t.tered and sugared.

A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.

Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.

The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards--one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.

Credit iz like chast.i.ty; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.

NEST EGGS.

It iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.

Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.

The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.

Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.

What chast.i.ty iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.

[Ill.u.s.tration: NEST EGGS.]

It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.