The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 70

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.

Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.

Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.

Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist--it reduces him tew his fighting waight.

Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.

Affliktions are like the summers sun--they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.

If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.

The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.

Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bek.u.ms so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.

Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff.

If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.

It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.

Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.

What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.

He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule--for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.

All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.

Money iz like grain--it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.

A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.

Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.

How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.

Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.

Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.

Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.

Beauty iz the melody ov the features.

I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.

Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding.

It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.

I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with.

One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the ma.s.ses a bek.u.ming respekt and reverence for the aged.

Before yu undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him.

Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth.

No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.

Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.

I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.

Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other.

HARD TACK.

I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)

It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bek.u.m so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.

It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.

Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.

Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.

Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold--klubs and spades for man.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HARD TACK.]

I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.

The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.