The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 84

SINGULAR BEINGS.

THE POMPOUS MAN.

The pompous man iz generally a sn.o.b at home and abroad.

He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.

He talks loud and large, but deceives n.o.boddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.

He iz a man ov small _caliber_, but a good deal ov _bore_.

Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.

THE ONE IDEA MAN.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.]

The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don't kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question.

Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.

One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.

THE HAPPY MAN.

The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.

Happiness iz like helth--thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.

Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would dandylions--n.o.boddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.

When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.

THE HENPECKED MAN.

The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harra.s.sed by the pullets.

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espes.h.i.+ly if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' turn ov the fever and agy.

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (_thank the Lord!_) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his s.e.x.

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.

THE OFFICIOUS MAN.

The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.

Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don't arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.

I don't know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.

THE PHUNNY MAN.

Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.

The _phunny man_ iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry b.u.mbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.

It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.

THE CHEEKY MAN.

Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.

All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.

Bold a.s.surance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.