The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 9

Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a ph.e.l.low wouldn't hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sa.s.s.

The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.

If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.

I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.

I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost.

I am not talking about your lazy, milk and mola.s.ses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.

Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird's nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.

The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile.

If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.

But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss.

Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.

Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pa.s.s sich a hand

I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it.

I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.

I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the G.o.ds, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.

I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.

Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other; but i don't think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov deadbeatery.

Kissing that pa.s.ses from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az necessary az s.h.i.+nplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.

Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a ph.e.l.low's life, in the original package, and that iz when....

Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help.

"WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING."

What i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.

Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it yet, i don't hesitate tew p.r.o.nounse it bully.

Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint astonis.h.i.+ng, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.

[Ill.u.s.tration: BLOWING.]

A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks.

Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually c.u.m, when a man, won't hav tew hav only one ov "_Josh Billing's Farmers'

Allmanax_," to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.

Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days' ploughing.

If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.

Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) _and they kan_, but this iz the way that poor hotels c.u.m tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.

Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops.

When i see so mutch pholks, rus.h.i.+ng into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rus.h.i.+ng out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, "menny are called, but few are chosen."

I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other ph.e.l.low, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share.

By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.

What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ.

If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees.

I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground a.n.a.lized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post-holes.

This iz what i call running science into the ground.

The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.

Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log.

What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once.

I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.

I then sot down, and thought the thing over.

I made up mi mind that the ph.e.l.low who wrote the treatiss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.

I c.u.m tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up.

I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.

I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win, _and won_.