The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 90

[Ill.u.s.tration: PECULIAR ONES.]

He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung carpenters, he won't season-krack.

It don't make enny difference which side ov him yu c.u.m up to, he iz the same biggness each way, and the only way tew git at him, enny how, is tew face him.

He knows he iz square, and never spends enny time trieing tew prove it.

The square man iz one ov the best-shaped men the world haz ever produced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him.

THE OBLONG MAN.

The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him.

The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way to-morrow.

He ain't alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz bilt so.

Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering.

THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN.

The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az uprite az a lamp-post.

He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good.

I don't like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst.

I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself.

THE LIMBER MAN.

The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch without breaking.

He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin.

Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon slippery.

Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next.

When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare.

Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav.

THE JOLLY MAN.

Jolly men are most alwus good men.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur.

I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows who were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz.

Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry.

I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.

When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be vicious.

I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant.

'Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring c.u.ms agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups.

THE PEWTER MAN.

The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fas.h.i.+oned pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haff dollar.

Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don't amount tew mutch.

They ain't exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better.

They are like ba.s.s wood punkin seeds, and white oak whetstuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the a.s.sortment.

They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green-apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to.

THE FITEING MAN.

The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung.

He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug noze.

Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it.

All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt.

Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew b.l.o.o.d.y fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar.

He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary.

THE PRECISE MAN.

The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard.