The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 92

He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a paper kite in a ded calm.

He lives as the b.u.t.terflise do--n.o.boddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.ton without enny b.u.t.ton-hole.

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's gra.s.shopper.

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.

He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.

THE JEALOUS MAN.

The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.

Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful sick and kan't vomit.

THE ANONYMOUS MAN.

The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and n.o.boddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.

He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.

THE STIFF MAN.

The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.

This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't ent.i.tled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.

Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country.

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov.

_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.

THE MODEL MAN.

The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent s.h.i.+nplaster in hiz vest pockett late Sat.u.r.day night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the PHUNNY Ph.e.l.lOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and c.u.ms back in seazon; attends everyboddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.

He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward hereafter--when the birds get theirs.

THE NEAT PERSON.

Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chast.i.ty. But while I almost wors.h.i.+p neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bek.u.m an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who k.u.m in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bek.u.m the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single c.o.c.kroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the c.o.c.kroach, for i don't like c.o.c.kroaches miself--espes.h.i.+ly in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE NEAT PERSON.]

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS--TWO OF THEM.

JOHN BAs...o...b..