Uncle's dream; And The Permanent Husband Part 13

Afana.s.sy watched the movements of his terrible spouse in fear and trembling; perspiration formed upon his brow as he gazed.

"Grisha!" she cried at last, "dress your master this instant! Dress-coat, black trousers, white waistcoat and tie, quick! Where's his hairbrush-quick, quick!"

"Mam-my! Why, I've just been to the bath. I shall catch cold if I go up to town just now!"

"You won't catch cold!"

"But-mammy, my hair's quite wet!"

"We'll dry it in a minute. Here, Grisha, take this brush and brush away till he's dry,-harder-harder-much harder! There, that's better!"

Grisha worked like a man. For the greater convenience of his herculean task he seized his master's shoulder with one hand as he rubbed violently with the other. Poor Afana.s.sy grunted and groaned and almost wept.

"Now, then, lift him up a bit. Where's the pomatum? Bend your head, duffer!-bend lower, you abject dummy!" And Maria Alexandrovna herself undertook to pomade her husband's hair, ploughing her hands through it without the slightest pity. Afana.s.sy heartily wished that his shock growth had been cut. He winced, and groaned and moaned, but did not cry out under the painful operation.

"You suck my life-blood out of me-bend lower, you idiot!" remarked the fond wife-"bend lower still, I tell you!"

"How have I sucked your life blood?" asked the victim, bending his head as low as circ.u.mstances permitted.

"Fool!-allegorically, of course-can't you understand? Now, then, comb it yourself. Here, Grisha, dress him, quick!"

Our heroine threw herself into an arm-chair, and critically watched the ceremony of adorning her husband. Meanwhile the latter had a little opportunity to get his breath once more and compose his feelings generally; so that when matters arrived at the point where the tie is tied, he had even developed so much audacity as to express opinions of his own as to how the bow should be manufactured.

At last, having put his dress-coat on, the lord of the manor was his brave self again, and gazed at his highly ornate person in the gla.s.s with great satisfaction and complacency.

"Where are you going to take me to?" he now asked, smiling at his reflected self.

Maria Alexandrovna could not believe her ears.

"What-_what_? How _dare_ you ask me where I am taking you to, sir!"

"But-mammy-I must know, you know--"

"Hold your tongue! You let me hear you call me mammy again, especially where we are going to now! you sha'n't have any tea for a month!"

The frightened consort held his peace.

"Look at that, now! You haven't got a single 'order' to put on-sloven!"

she continued, looking at his black coat with contempt.

"The Government awards orders, mammy; and I am not a sloven, but a town councillor!" said Afana.s.sy, with a sudden excess of n.o.ble wrath.

"What, what-_what_! So you've learned to argue now, have you-you mongrel, you? However, I haven't time to waste over you now, or I'd--but I sha'n't forget it. Here, Grisha, give him his fur coat and his hat-quick; and look here, Grisha, when I'm gone, get these three rooms ready, and the green room, and the corner bedroom. Quick-find your broom; take the coverings off the looking-gla.s.ses and clocks, and see that all is ready and tidy within an hour. Put on a dress coat, and see that the other men have gloves: don't lose time. Quick, now!"

She entered the carriage, followed by Afana.s.sy. The latter sat bewildered and lost.

Meanwhile Maria Alexandrovna reflected as to how best she could drum into her husband's thick skull certain essential instructions with regard to the present situation of affairs. But Afana.s.sy antic.i.p.ated her.

"I had a very original dream to-day, Maria Alexandrovna," he observed quite unexpectedly, in the middle of a long silence.

"Tfu! idiot. I thought you were going to say something of terrific interest, from the look of you. Dream, indeed! How dare you mention your miserable dreams to me! Original, too! Listen here: if you dare so much as remind me of the word 'dream,' or say anything else, either, where we are going to-day, I-I don't know _what_ I won't do to you! Now, look here: Prince K. has arrived at my house. Do you remember Prince K.?"

"Oh, yes, mammy, I remember; and why has he done us this honour?"

"Be quiet; that's not your business. Now, you are to invite him, with all the amiability you can, to come down to our house in the country, at once!

That is what I am taking you up for. And if you dare so much as breathe another word of any kind, either to-day or to-morrow, or next day, without leave from me, you shall herd geese for a whole year. You're not to say a single word, mind! and that's all you have to think of. Do you understand, now?"

"Well, but if I'm asked anything?"

"Hold your tongue all the same!"

"Oh, but I can't do that-I can't do--"

"Very well, then; you can say 'H'm,' or something of that sort, to give them the idea that you are very wise indeed, and like to think well before answering."

"H'm."

"Understand me, now. I am taking you up because you are to make it appear that you have just heard of the prince's visit, and have hastened up to town in a transport of joy to express your unbounded respect and grat.i.tude to him, and to invite him at once to your country house! Do you understand me?"

"H'm."

"I don't want you to say 'H'm' _now_, you fool! You must answer _me_ when I speak!"

"All right-all right, mammy. All shall be as you wish; but why am I to ask the prince down?"

"What-what! arguing again. What business is it of yours _why_ you are to invite him? How dare you ask questions!"

"Why it's all the same thing, mammy. How am I to invite him if I must not say a word?"

"Oh, I shall do all the talking. All you have to do is to bow. Do you hear? _Bow_; and hold your hat in your hand and look polite. Do you understand, or not?"

"I understand, mam-Maria-Alexandrovna."

"The prince is very witty, indeed; so mind, if he says anything either to yourself or anyone else, you are to laugh cordially and merrily. Do you hear me?"

"H'm."

"Don't say 'H'm' to _me_, I tell you. You are to answer me plainly and simply. Do you hear me, or not?"

"Yes, yes; I hear you, of course. That's all right. I only say 'H'm,' for practice; I want to get into the way of saying it. But look here, mammy, it's all very well; you say I'm not to speak, and if he speaks to me I'm to look at him and laugh-but what if he asks me a question?"

"Oh-you dense log of a man! I tell you again, you are to be quiet. _I'll_ answer for you. You have simply got to look polite, and smile!"

"But he'll think I am dumb!" said Afana.s.sy.

"Well, and what if he does. Let him! You'll conceal the fact that you are a fool, anyhow!"

"H'm, and if _other_ people ask me questions?"