Is It Just Me? Part 14

Self-Test: Am I a Bully?

Is there a person you regularly make threatening comments to, or give intimidating looks to, at work or school?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Does it make you feel better that you do this?

If no, score 2 If yes, score 5 Is it possible that you hurt somebody or taught someone else it's OK to do the same thing?

If you think yes, score 5 If you think no, score 2 Do you care?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 Have you ever posted or forwarded a hurtful comment about another person on the Internet?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If you did it anonymously, score 10 Do you only put others down when it is in front of a group?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Would it bother you if someone did the same thing to you?

If yes, score 5 If no, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 70.

Manners Don't Take a Vacation.

I don't care whether you are staying at a Motel 6 off the interstate or at the Four Seasons on Maui . . . it can drive you nuts the way some people behave in a hotel. I don't mean inside their rooms. (Some of my behavior in a hotel room might raise an eyebrow or two.) You have that look on your face that tells me you don't know what I'm talking about. Let me explain.

Vacations are for fun and business trips may be for more serious purposes, but they have one thing in common . . . Your hotel stay is going to be h.e.l.l if the other guests in it are inconsiderate. One of the things that people have talked about . . . and I concur . . . is noise. Hotel guest noise bites the big one.

Actually, there aren't many hotel peeves that chap my behind. In fact, there are only two. Both involve noise.

Let me talk first about the doors slamming. Unless it's used to dramatically finish an argument-it's not cool. And for that to be cool, you have to use a British accent and say, "Good day, sir!" before you turn on your heel and slam that thing. Think about it. At home or at work, most of us close doors . . . not slam. But somehow, people think what happens in a hotel stays in a hotel. It doesn't. 'Cause clearly, a lot of people don't like it . . . And they're talking about it. The doors that lead from your room to the hallway seem to be bang-friendly.

Sometimes it's because of the air suck created by the breeze in the hallway. Sometimes it's because the doors are hung in such a way as to make sure they close when a guest leaves the room. So, yeah . . . they're made made to close. to close.

And they close loud enough-on their own-to rattle the water gla.s.s in the room up the hall. But when it slams . . . you wet your pants! Or, you're asleep and it wakes you up. Either way, it's not good.

OK, so we've learned that the design of hotel doors works against us, and here's how we combat the G.o.d of Slam. Rest your hand on the doork.n.o.b so the door closes instead of slams. Voila! And yet n.o.body does it. Maybe now they will.

The other hotel h.e.l.l moment is loud talking in halls. The surest way to get people cussing someone out from within their room is some other someone walking the hotel corridor talking to the person right beside them like they were shouting over a jet engine. I mean, come on. There's no reason for this.

When adults do it, nine times out of ten, it's after the bars have closed. Hey, what are you going to do?

But sometimes, parents let their kids run wild in the halls. Hey, what kid on a vacation doesn't love to run? And there's that long, carpeted runway for them to just sprint down, or play tag on-shrieking in delight. Well, moms and dads, this is a chance to let your kids know what it is like to be out in the world-where there are things like rules, and manners, and consideration.

Independence is wonderful for children, and vacations are a good way to stretch their boundaries . . . but you've got to help them. I also know kids are going to want to be kids, and that's great. But they can be kids by the pool or on the beach and not right outside hotel rooms, where most people are craving peace and quiet.

Look, I'm not fooling myself. Just like the doors that are engineered to slam, I don't believe hotel hallways are suddenly going to becomes churchlike. But I can dream.

But not if somebody's noisy kids are outside my door.

Chapter 71.

May I Have Your Attention Please? . . . Please? Please?

Have you tried to have a conversation with anyone these days and just end up feeling like you only have half their attention? It can happen when you're face-to-face with someone. Like at dinner when they keep doing that d.a.m.n BlackBerry check. But know what drives me batty? When you're on the phone and you get those . . .

. . . long gaps . . .

. . . that make you think . . . that . . .

. . . the other per . . .

. . . son is not focused on you.

They can't see you when you are talking with them and so the temptation is simply too hard to resist when the computer . . . or the BlackBerry . . . or the iPhone . . . or the iPad . . . is calling out to them.

"Hey, baby! Come on and check me . . . You know you want to. Someone might be inviting you to a party! . . . Maybe there's news about that job you want . . . Come on, aren't you just dying to check the tweets to see what color underwear John Mayer says he's wearing today?"

And then the device takes hold of them. But the person on the other end is powerless. Because they don't know what this other person is doing. Because they're certainly not conversing. Which is what they should be doing if somebody calls them up and they answer.

Some telltale signs are the neutral "uh-huhs," which sound a lot like "yes, dear." But even worse are the long gaps and clickety-click of the keyboard you hear in the background from the person you thought was actually listening to you while you poured your heart out about the life-changing experience you had upon visiting the sick relative in the ICU who finally forgave you for joyriding in his car when you were fifteen.

. . . h.e.l.lo?

Click, click, click. Tappety-tappety-tap . . . "Uh-huh . . . Riiight." Click, click . . .

While the phone mute b.u.t.ton is sometimes necessary, that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the unnecessary times. Times when you're talking along and when you pause, you hear a silence so dead it could be the atmosphere on Jupiter. And then a soft click and a rush of sound from the person you thought you were chatting with. Know what they did? They muted their phone so they could talk with someone else in the room or the office-and didn't tell you. Maybe it's only for a few seconds. But still . . .

Know what you can do about this? Want to have some fun? All right . . . Next time it happens and you know the other person was away, mult.i.tasking or chatting up somebody who walked in the room . . . here's what you do. When they finally do return to the line-pretending they didn't leave-say this: "Good, then, I'll just send the bill to you."

Then sit back and listen to 'em squirm. And while they try to figure out how to find out what the h.e.l.l you were talking about, you can relax and enjoy their discomfort. Maybe even check your email.

Chapter 72.

Stress One Now.

Don't you just love when you call a business to talk to somebody . . . to tell them your issue, your problem . . . to get that little "personal touch" . . . and instead, you get that Stephen Hawking digitized voice that lets you know it's a computer-automated operator?

Those robot operators (roboperators) . . . I hate them.

I can understand why they have them. Not only does it save costs in this bottom-line economy, but I suppose a lot of calls that come in are so easy to categorize that a live body doesn't need to sort out the subtleties of what callers want. If you want to make a reservation, you press one now. To cancel, press two. Fine.

Oh, come on now. You know this is just because they don't want to have to hire another person and have to pay them.

And doesn't it seem that, most times, not even one of the options they offer applies in any way in any way to what you called to do? What if I don't want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on? to what you called to do? What if I don't want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on?

Sometimes you get into those automated systems and it's like getting shot down some Rube Goldberg (no relation) chute into a maze of electronic twists, turns, and dead ends. It's especially nutty when the voice recognition technology isn't up to snuff and it can't understand what you are saying.

"If you are a current customer, say 'yes.' "

"No."

"So to confirm, you are a current customer, correct? If so, say yes."

"No."

"Good. I'll connect you to current customer relations. Your wait time is approximately . . . horty-hoo inutes horty-hoo inutes." That's robot speak for "grab a comfy chair."

"But wait, I don't want-"

Click. And then you're enjoying the Soft Hits of the 70s.

Gaah!

If they're going to use these systems, they've got to get it together. How many times does the digital sweetheart ask you to input your account number, enter the date of purchase . . . and your middle school shoe size . . . only to have the live, warm body that finally comes on the line ask you for the exact same information all over again?!

Gaah! Gaah!

Since this is the wave of the future, rather than fight it and have steam come out my ears every time I call a business, I have learned to amuse myself with a little head game. It's simple. All you have to do every time you hear one of the little prompts of marketing bull, is to say the opposite in the operator's perky DJ voice. And try not to laugh. It's hard not to.

For example, when they say, "Your call is important to us," say, "You don't mean zip to us!"

"Thank you for your patience." You say: "You're a loser with nothing better to do!" And remember, keep it perky!

"Someone will be with you momentarily" becomes, "I hope you went potty, because this is going to take all day!"

"We're busy a.s.sisting other customers" translates to, "It's lunch hour, deal with it!"

All right, all right, it's not that much fun after the first twenty minutes. If you have a problem with that, just call. Because you know know you are very important to us. you are very important to us.

Chapter 73.

With All Due Respect.

These were just things on my mind and some ideas of ways I could be better. Maybe it helps you too.

If not, pa.s.s this book on!

Chapter 74.

Master Score Sheet for Self-Tests.

Enter your numerical scores here for each self-test.

Parking = _______ A Traveler Check = _______ Resisting Textation = _______ Stadium Behavior = _______ Sideline Civility = _______ Offensive Language = _______ Am I a Bully? = _______ TOTAL = _______.

What your score means: .

If you scored between 0 and 30, your behavior rates as CIVIL.

Congratulations.

If you scored between 31 and 181, your behavior rates as BORDERLINE BONEHEAD.

Oops.

If you scored between 182 and 259, your behavior rates as a.s.sHOLIAN.

. . . Which means you probably don't care. But if you do happen to care? Back to page 1 and start over. We'll wait for you.

After all, it's the polite thing to do.

Chapter 75.